Bassam24

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML

Meanwhile, in Westboro…

Today, I was ringing up a lady and her daughter at the shoe store I work at. The background on my nametag is a rainbow, and when the daughter saw it, she asked her mother why it was so. Her mother looked at my nametag, then me, then turned to her daughter and said, "Because he hates God, honey". FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, "Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren't meant to be together forever." He compared me to a dying dog. FML

Today, while working at a pizza shop near a college campus, I got an order to deliver to the dorms. Extremely busy at work and annoyed that someone wouldn't take 3 minutes to walk over, I spat on the pizza. When I arrived to the dorm, a woman in a wheelchair opened the door. FML

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

Today, I got a computer. When I opened it, I found out that my dad had made himself the administrator. He made it so everything shut off after 11 o'clock, and made it so I couldn't download anything without his password. FML

Today, I introduced my ex-wife to my new girlfriend. They got along so well that my new girlfriend is going to my ex-wife's house tonight "just to hang out". FML

Today, I finally figured out who has been stalking me for the past 5 months. And we're related. FML

Thanks…

Today, I was offered to attend a Buddhist ceremony by one of my regular customers. Not wanting to offend the couple, I made an excuse about have a project for oceanography. Surprise, the husband is an oceanographer and wants to help me with my imaginary project. Karma much? FML

Long road ahead

Today, while I was flying on American Airlines back from visiting family, a newborn puked its breakfast all over my HP mini, knocked my orange juice into my lap, then coughed up another layer on top of it all. I couldn't change my pants because of we were about to experience turbulence. FML

Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML

Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML

Today, my maid washed my PS3. Yes, with soap and water. FML

Today, I noticed that my ceiling was sagging slightly. I got up on to a chair to look at it more closely, and I touched it. Turns out that my ceiling was full of water. It went everywhere, ruining my new iPod, phone, and all the things my daughter bought for university. FML

Suspicious liquids

Today, during an early morning preflight check, I spotted liquid pooling under the aircraft. I rubbed my fingers in it and sniffed. Good news? No dangerous fuel or hydraulic fluid leak. Bad news? My copilot was too lazy to walk back to the hangar to take a leak. FML

Today, my boyfriend started talking to my breasts in public. As if that wasn't bad enough, he then started to jiggle them in his hands. FML

Today, I woke up really tired after a night of just two hours sleep. The reason? The mall across the street forgot to turn off their music. It played Christmas songs all night. Loud. FML

Today, I went to work at a chemotherapy clinic. After explaining to a patient about the risks and benefits of chemotherapy for his underlying metastatic lung cancer, he asks is it OK to smoke during chemotherapy. FML

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

Today, I have been released from jail because my idiot friends decided to get me a surprise hooker for my birthday. Turns out "Candy" was actually an undercover cop. My friends ditched me. I was the only one arrested. FML

Today, I called in sick at work because I have the flu. This is my first sick day in the 2 years I've worked there. It's also the day the CEO made a surprise visit. My co-workers all got generous salary increases, and some of them promotions. I'm not included, simply because I wasn't there. FML

Today, I just finished nearly a year of muscle-building in order to impress my crush. Turns out she doesn't date fit guys, because "they're all jerks". FML

The language of love

Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

Sneaky

Today, my boyfriend of two years logged into my Facebook account and broke up with himself. He is now receiving loads of sympathy, while I'm being accused of lying about it to save my reputation. FML

Today, my wife is giving birth to our first born. I am an officer stationed overseas. Apparently, I am not only missing the birth, but I also missed the conception. FML

Today, my dad forced the whole family to sit through a two-hour lecture, with supporting research, on how the "Mayan prophecy" is actually a load of shit fabricated by conmen. Nice to know he thinks we're all borderline brain-dead, gullible fuckwits who believed it to begin with. Thanks, dad. FML

Shady tactics

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML