Today, while finishing shopping with my kids, my female best friend and I were accosted by a street preacher. He screamed that we were an abomination, having biracial children was a sin against nature, and that we were ruining America. Not only we are not gay, he made my kids cry. FML
Today, my daughter ran up to me and gave me a cup. She said it was lemonade that she made with her friend. When I took a sip, she giggled and ran back to her room. It was not lemonade. FML
Today, I just moved in with my friend and had my brother help with the move. Later that night both my brother and my friend wouldn't let me sleep because of how loud the sex was. FML
Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML
Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.
Today, for the first time in months, my best friend agreed to hang out with me. After waiting, three hours for him to show up, I called to see what was taking him so long. He told me he couldn't come because he needed to get a haircut. FML
Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML
Today, my mom got arrested for statutory rape. She apparently had sex with my best friend during a cookout, which was to celebrate my dad's cancer going into remission. FML
Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML
Today, I played a harmless joke on my neighbors by pointing a laser pointer out of my window onto their wall. Apparently, my neighbors don't take jokes lightly as one of the sons pointed at my window while screaming and swearing, then took out a gang bandana and wrapped it around his face. FML
Today, we got a letter regarding my sister's college career and an appointment she was required to go to. This seems fitting, since she's a senior in high school, or at least she would be if she hadn't passed away a little over a year ago. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the nearby marina. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind a lighthouse. FML
Today, our dishwasher broke. It's my husband's chore to do the dishes, but he refused to hand-wash them, and instead suggested we take them all up to his mother's for her to put in her dishwasher. FML
Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip, just so that she wouldn't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML
Today, after 10 years of frequent international air travel, I got my seat upgraded for the very first time. Also, for the very first time in 10 years, the airline lost my luggage. FML
Today, while we were in a hotel, I got so drunk I apparently couldn't find my room, and passed out in the corridor. I woke up to see hotel staff calling security. FML
Today, my brother is getting married to my crush of 7 years. To make that even worse, they're moving in with me. FML
Today, I was at a barbecue and, unbeknownst to me, took a bite of really hot bacon. In my ensuing panic, I grabbed and took a swig of my friend's beer. It wasn't beer, at least not any more. She was using it as an ashtray, and I got a mouthful of cigarette butts. FML
Today, my now ex-friend told me she had feelings for my ex and was also choosing him over our friendship, despite being fully aware of the crazy rollercoaster our relationship was and being there to hear every detail of the trauma. She classily told me at random, in a public mall. People suck. FML
Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML
Today, I arrived to apply for my much-needed dream job. Without warning, just as the elevator opened, a complete stranger kicked me square in the nads. FML
Today, I had the misfortune of getting my period during another exam. And yes, the male professor also noticed this time. FML
Today I had to tell my girlfriend that we can't keep taking care of her drug addicted dad because it is ruining out lives. We have a 90 day notice to move and I said I won't move to a new place if she is going to have him live there. Guess who is looking for a new roommate. FML
My long-distance partner came to visit me for the weekend. When he arrived he seemed moody and tired, and refused any kind of physical contact. Upset, I asked him what was wrong. Turns out he's mad for coming to see me because I've put on weight, making the trip a waste of his time. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has to picture someone else when we have sex. The most recent: my roommate. FML
Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML
Today, I went to the hospital for taking to many anxiety meds cause of a panic attack over my finals. They decided the best way to fix this will be to involuntarily commit me to psychiatric treatment for 72 hours... missing all my finals. FML
Today, I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML
Today, my boss is out of the office and sent me an e-mail asking me to multiply two numbers together and send her the result. Apparently she doesn't know that her smartphone has a calculator app. FML
Today, I called my ex-girlfriend to see if she would meet up with me so I could give her money to pay off the rest of the TV we had on layaway before we broke up. Turns out she cancelled it and took all the money I put into it. I put $500 down. FML
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