Grovetown, United States Single
Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML
Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML
Today, and every other night since my new neighbors moved in two weeks ago, their cat has been standing outside my house meowing constantly up at my window, where my cat keeps standing and meowing back. It's like a feline version of Romeo and Juliet, and I can't sleep. FML
Today, I was getting ready for a night out with the girls, and without any hint of trickery, just wanting an honest answer, I asked my boyfriend how I looked in the dress I chose. He immediately dropped to his knees, yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" and calmly left the room. FML
Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML
Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML
Today, my husband and I decided to have a quickie before the kids woke up from their nap. The sex was amazing and I couldn't hold in my screams or not hit the wall. About 15 minutes in, both of our children came busting in with their nerf guns, screaming, "Where's the monster?" FML
Today, I took a nap in my car right after finishing up at work. I was woken up by a hobo sitting in the passenger seat, watching me sleep. Apparently, he'd managed to unlock the door with a wire hanger. FML
Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML
Today, I was in a market in France, and went to ask the seller for some potatoes. I speak fluent French, but I got flustered and instead of saying "pomme de terre", which is the French for potato, I said "pomme de merde". I literally asked for an "apple of shit". FML
Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML
Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML
Today, I talked to my husband about his lack of interest in sex. Apparently his definition is polar to mine; his is along the lines of cuddling. Not only did I wait until marriage to have sex with this man, apparently he prefers a permanent roommate without benefits. FML
Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML
Today, I tried to kill a spider by throwing a shoe at it. All it did was slice the spider's egg sac open, releasing all its babies. FML
Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML
Today, I was feeling really down and insecure after a friend joked about how small my boobs are. When my grandma got me to tell her what happened, she reassured me that all the girls in our family were late bloomers. I said "Really?" and she replied, "Oh no dear. Quite the opposite." FML
Today, a lady who works for my husband confided in me that they've been sleeping with each other and now she's pregnant. She didn't know I was his wife. FML
Today, while I thought I'd never had an orgasm, my doctor informed me that I'm actually having orgasms almost every time I have sex. They just feel like utterly frustrating, slightly painful, unpleasurable and completely unsatisfying muscle contractions. FML
Today, I was babysitting my nephew and we decided to color together. He drew a picture of someone who looked dead, almost zombie-like, while everyone else looked pretty normal. When I asked who it was, he said in a serious, scary voice, "It's you." FML
Today, at a family gathering, it emerged that my now ex-fiancé has been sleeping with his brother's girlfriend for some time now. A fight broke out, the police were called, and more than one of his relatives are blaming me for him cheating with her. FML
Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML
Today, my dad decided to shave his beard. I told him I wanted him to keep it, so he took the shavings, put them in a jar, and left it in my room. FML
Today, I learned that most teenagers would rather grab free candy from the broken vending machine than help the guy stuck underneath it get free. FML
Today, I was ordering a pizza over the phone. When the guy asked for my order, I yelled "Hey, you guys wanted pepperoni, right?" In reality, I was yelling this to my cat. College hasn't made me many friends so far. FML
Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML
Today, I was sitting in the coffee shop where my boyfriend and I used to go before he broke up with me about a week ago. I was missing him and wishing he was there, when all of a sudden this 14-year-old kid comes up to me and says, "He's not coming, you may as well go home." FML
Today, while searching a woman for contraband as part of my job, she kept making sexual noises throughout. After I finished, she hugged me and went on her way. I really need a new job. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML
Today, I found out that the squeaking I've heard for the past three months, that I thought was my guinea pig, is actually my girlfriend cheating on me with my older brother. FML
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