Today, after his sixth beer, my dad looked me in the eye and said "I've never forgiven you for what you did to your mother's vagina". FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I am completely mortified. At my father-in-law's funeral, my husband put a bottle of beer on the coffin and announced to the room his dad was such a tight-fisted sod, it was the first drink he’d ever had on him. FML
Today, my dad got drunk at a party and flashed me and my friends. FML
Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML
Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML
Today, my drunken mother told me I'm just like my father and that I don't give a fuck about her. She's living in my home and drinking my wine. FML
Today, I found out that my father, who very recently lost his wife, decided that drunkenly hitting on my long-time boyfriend's mom was a good idea. FML
Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. She went on about how my girlfriend's dad is a no good drunk, following this statement with spilling her fifth glass of wine. FML
Today, my mom came home drunk and crying, so I tried to comfort her and asked what was wrong. She wasted no time admitting that she'd hooked up with her ex-husband, AKA my dad, but that it'd sucked for her because he has a tiny penis. Thanks, I really needed to know that. FML
Today, it's my 15th birthday. My dad stumbled into my bedroom at six in the morning, completely drunk, and slurred the "Happy Birthday" song. Then he told me to go fuck myself, and said that he wished I was never born. Me too, dad. Me too. FML
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Top comments
Dre27 20
What's that old saying, honestly is the best policy
annie_nk 23
Yeah because you totally did that on purpose. Shame on you for being born.
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Comments (116)
Dre27 20
What's that old saying, honestly is the best policy
annie_nk 23
I believe "drunken words are sober thoughts" applies here as well.
hansam 12
Or my policy, 'honestly I don't need to know thanks dad'
Harpy20 24
Technically, it's his own damn fault. What goes in, must come out.
Axipiter 24
How is he drunk after only six beers!?
arandomusernameaa 20
Cus he isn't fat like you ;) on more serious point it depends on many factors, how big they are, there metabolism etc...
Wakachulak 22
Yeah I know, right? It takes me like twelve or so. OP's dad must be a featherweight.
NodakN8V 25
I think you might mean "Honesty"
RedPillSucks 33
@48, 51 Australian beer >> American beer
Wakachulak 22
South African beer (which I drink, you bozock!) >>>>>> Australian beer
SmuggletheBudgie 15
ehh tough call 68 in all honesty Australian beer is pretty bland suprising cause we are number 4 in the world for alcohol consumption... if that's a good thing. American beer in particular their craft beer and less well known brands are some of the more interesting brews to be... brewed in the past decade. As a general rule all major brands tend to bad but at least the american major brands have some variety... honestly VB's Carlton Draught Crownies XXXX tooheys etc. All taste pretty much the same.
frizz101 22
Who said he was drunk? All it said was after his sixth beer, he might not even be buzzed, but can blame what he said on the alcohol, then again it could be very strong beer.
harp 9
#46 Foster's Oil Cans.....
Axipiter 24
82, 6 mentioned drunk. That's what I was referencing.
Warm_Apple_Pie 21
Only six?!
184886837272837 32
"It's not me dad... it's the neighbor"
MissSarcasm01 18
You really did not understand this. Did you?
davidpropert 32
The father isn't saying his son does it with his wife... Giving birth... Stretching... Not as fun... Get the hints yet?
HowAreYouToday 34
actually op's dad was talking about the time op took machetes and slaches up his mothers ******.
brackaman 18
I'm really sure nobody else understood 2's comment either. I thought it was a funny comeback worthy of being told you're the reason your mom's ****** isn't right anymore'
buckdharma 38
By any chance is your nick name Big Head.
Redoxx_fml 22
And is his Dick Head?
Rainhawk94 27
George Lopez?
Evolving_Squid 15
Humungo Head
brivielle 15
HEADWARD
annie_nk 23
Yeah because you totally did that on purpose. Shame on you for being born.
domolovesyoshi 33
I know technically it's their fault for deciding to have kids
Gingerette 8
#7.... Commas. Please, use commas.
ThatFancyPenn 18
#4, I completely agree. Why can't they just decide to not be born in the womb?
adrianh1090 12
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Haha that is funny.
xxBFMVAAMIWxx 18
Me likes it. Why isn't there a "Funny As ****" button in the vote options?
ThatFancyPenn 18
Oh don't worry. There will be with the UR-4-D0UCH3B4G update.
davidislost 11
#8 Agreed :D! Seems it's more of a Brit/Australian expression 'funny as ****'
jannatanelle 5
Americans use that expression as well but if your going to do that you'd have to add an equal opposite maybe "not that funny but your life still sucks" and now there are too many options for all the indecisive.
glabberfasted 16
I don't understand these people who say these FMLs are soo funny. I've never even let out the slightest laugh at any of them. They're entertaining, but I've yet to come across one that's "laugh out loud" worthy.
Justine94_x 31
I've laughed at lots of them...
nichollelovins 18
i would say something like "oh ok so your saying your too small for mom now?" lol
Pinkraincoat 18
You're*
perdix 31
He was probably happy to find a woman that was tight enough to accommodate his tiny dick, then the kid blew it out by being born.
Rizzen 27
my god Perdix, that image you just put in my head... 'blew it out by being born'
nichollelovins 18
#37 I know it's *you're* not *your* but im using text talk and it doesn't always have the best connection but hey don't be a grammer nazi
ThomasBombadil 31
One word. episiotomy
annie_nk 23
What about an episiotomy? It gets stitched back up and heals after about a month. Not exactly a ****** wrecking thing.
Harpy20 24
Some tear even with an episiotomy.
Izabushel 65
If you are saying "episiotomy" as one word which can cause a lot of problems then you are correct. Routine episiotomies used to be performed because it was thought that it prevented damage to the pelvic floor. It's been shown that damage to the pelvic floor occurs during the later stages of pregnancy. There are times when an episiotomy is required, but it does nothing to preserve the integrity of the ******, quite the opposite.
annie_nk 23
30 is right. I had an episiotomy with my first baby. Even with that, she ended up getting stuck (required forceps to get her out) and I got third degree tearing. She destroyed my ****** to the point where if I tear that badly again, I'd end up with life long complications like being anally incontinent. I didn't wanna take that risk so I had a c-section with my second child. I plan on having a third years from now and that risk will still be there. But that's only for childbirth. Sex, however, isn't affected. My vaginal birth child is two now and I'm right back to normal.
DDiddy 12
Geez, you learn something everyday!
RedPillSucks 33
Erin your PHD at FML U.
an3ph 20
Today I learned I am terribly happy to be ****** free.
hickdog 6
I think we have crossed the line to over sharing.
Ashamed_Sister 60
It's not your fault that he is so small...
marcelmg 10
But he started it......