Today, I visited my girlfriend at her place, one thing lead to another, and we had sex for the first time. Her normally very sweet cat now hisses and savages me if I so much as look at him. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML
Today, I had my first threesome. It was me, my wonderful girlfriend, and her shithead cat after he decided my balls were a bag of catnip and just had to play with. Things ended pretty fast. FML
Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML
Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML
Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when her cat attacked me. I was pissed, so I grabbed the cat and rushed outside to get rid of it. Little did I know, her parents were home, sitting outside. So I was naked, with a feral cat in front of my junk trying to kill me. All I could say was, "Nice weather?" FML
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. We got on the discussion of animals, and I showed them a picture of my cat on my phone. Being a touchscreen, when her father grabbed it, it changed picture. To a picture of my girlfriend, fully nude. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML
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Top comments
Dthsapprntc 23
You moved in on his territory, of course he is going to be pissed at you.
Pleonasm 36
"Idiot says pussy." Very strategic name, OP, let's see if it pays off in the comments.
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Comments (108)
Dthsapprntc 23
You moved in on his territory, of course he is going to be pissed at you.
Sports_guy3 28
Guess you ****** the wrong pussy ;).
Dthsapprntc 23
Nope. I always double check to make sure I **** the right pussy. That way I avoid any awkward and/or painful situations.
FangirlingAlways 14
All these pussy jokes. Ya'll need Jesus.
naren723 11
Doesn't matter, had sex.
Dthsapprntc 23
Jesus, the new wonder drug from ACME Medicine. It cures any illness and makes your life better. It even turnes water to wine. Side effects include, but are not limites to, arrogance, ignorance, intolerance, hatered, holier than thou attitude, and a tendency to tell others that they need Jesus. ACME Medicine not liable for any bloodshed done while under the influence of Jesus. Yes, I'm well aware that I am going to Hell.
HockeyGirlLover 7
I give you a round of applause for this post
dachayke 16
Yes, quite a few protestants can be Jesus jerks at times, but there are also quite a few depressed, emo, atheists who shove their opinion in everyone's face and insult God and anyone who believes in him.
smokecloud_ 37
Pretty sure 47 was making a, very successful, joke. By the way, not all atheists are depressed emos while we're correcting stereotypes. ;)
Never_Land 10
Even being a man of faith I agree with you
tman1985 9
with all of the pussy comments, how in the hell is beaver supposed to get any recognition?
xerbrus 14
someone with the screen name fangirlingalways said we need Jesus...You know obsession is a sin right???
Jebitesevsi 11
No, you're going to the hall of fame!
incoherentrmblr 22
The pussy is mad b/c he's not getting any pussy...
Adhdkid107 9
Someone's pussy doesn't like that.....
kjack49044 18
But...worth it.
184886837272837 32
It's best to only try to please one pussy at a time
Ch_rae5 19
I bet her dad trained it.
TheOnlyMizLiv 22
Aaaand someone didn't read the username.
Pleonasm 36
"Idiot says pussy." Very strategic name, OP, let's see if it pays off in the comments.
Pleonasm 36
It's a minefield out here, and it seems that everyone is playing "Don't touch the lava." Seriously. Every single one.
Adhdkid107 9
Hey it was worth a shot xD
codyswearingen 3
Shut ur mouth
184886837272837 32
****...
dachayke 16
#51, I hope you have your username written down in case you accidentally sign out.
ruckfules85 34
Hes like "hell yeah. You ain't doing to this pussy what you do to that pussy."
CaptMurdock 25
Well looks like you might not be getting any friendly pussy any time soon.
gingaa96 18
Well I guess you're an idiot..
parism143 28
I don't think her pussy was satisfied with your actions!
cyttex 13
Every damn time there's a fml involving a cat..
parism143 28
I apologise, I wish I could delete it but sadly FML doesn't offer that option.
israelnotjacob 20
Does that really override the fact that you got some?
jnanderson 16
DM;HS
israelnotjacob 20
I normally hate that joke because it's so overused, but I think this time its a legitimate argument. I even am a cat person, but a cat hissing at me could hardly ruin a sexual experience.
StompinOnCrayons 15
Don't expect both the ******* bro
PieReaper 11
Okay bro
perdix 31
If you want to dominate one pussy in a household, you have to dominate them all!
JaegerMayCry 13
I don't think I like where this is going....
perdix 31
#24, do you mean you don't like the puns, or that you'd prefer to be pussy-whipped?
Zelphoric 25
No im pretty sure he was talking about **********... Which is always a bad idea
sdroze1389 31
#39. he wasn't talking about **********, unless it's a story involving a donkey then the chances are high. Texas is close to Mexico....
1PersonIsMyWorld 22
not necessarily **********. ..its just showing animals who's boss...he didn't say **** the cat, just stand up to him/her. you cant let an animal dominate you.. thats where poorly behaved animals come from.
uoeno_fml 20
Doesn't matter had sex. Her pussy didn't respond well! There's some generics for ya