Mr 36 years-old
Today, as I was taking my three year-old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML
Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML
Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML
Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML
Today, I had a substitute teacher for my dance class. I noticed at one point, he took out a camera. The principal came in, everyone was going crazy, and the teacher was dragged out of the classroom. He was taking videos and pictures of us dancing. Turns out he was a registered sex offender. FML
Today, my friends and I spent hours on the Disney website playing in Pixie Hollow. We made our own fairies and flew around completing tasks for TinkerBell and her fairy friends. We're in college, and this is how we spent our Saturday night. FML
Today, a man came up to me at the bus stop. He went into this long story about how his girlfriend is pregnant and they both haven't eaten in days. Trying to be tough and funny I said back, "sounds like you should invest in condoms instead of food." He responded by beating and robbing me. FML
Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML
Today, I was on my girlfriend's computer. When searching on google, her browsing history popped up. The first thing was "Best positions for a small penis." FML
Today, I took my daughter to the lake. She told me she had to go to the bathroom and I whispered to her, "Just pee in the lake, it's fine, but go in a little deeper." She went in the lake and then turned to me to yell, "MOM, IS THIS DEEP ENOUGH FOR ME TO PEE?" FML
Today, I was walking through a heavy door at work, so I reached behind me to catch it so it wouldn't slam shut. Little did I know that my boss was walking through right after me. Instead of catching the door, I caught a handful of his crotch. FML
Today, I was cutting the grass when I saw a man staring at me from my neighbor's garage. This went on for 5 minutes until I finally yelled, "Hello?" There was no response, and I was creeped out, so I called my neighbor. It was a life-sized Paul McCartney cutout. FML
Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I'm staying at asked me if I needed an extra blanket because I "looked cold in my sleep last night". FML
Today, my 7 year old brother decided that it would be fun to cut off my hair. I woke from a long nap after working the late shift, to about 15 inches of my long blonde hair all over my bed and floor. I now have bloody bald spots and really choppy hair about 3 inches long. He got away with it. FML
Today, my four year old got mad that he couldn't find his favorite character on the Wii. So, he decided to smash the Wii remote into my $700 LCD TV, shattering the screen. That was the only TV in the house, and the $80 service plan I bought doesn't cover accidental damage. FML
Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that someone had taken a dump in them. FML
Today, I had to call 911. Why? My fireplace caught on fire. FML
Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yelled at the top of her voice, "Stop following me, you freak." I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML
Today, I was putting a wooden shelf into my new TV stand. Right before I put it in, I rested it on my leg. I then realized that the wood was of poor quality, and it gave me splinters. Now, I can't remove the splinters, because I can't find their exact location under my really hairy legs. FML
Today, I tested the new taps in the shower, with my head. Yep, they're strong enough. FML
Today, I got mugged by someone wearing a bear suit. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML
Today, it's the third day since my mum quit smoking, and I realised that her health-drive is having a negative effect on my own health when she bitch slapped me down the stairs because she didn't get a joke I told her. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for for his birthday in a couple of days. He replied "to be single" and walked out of the room. FML
Today, I came home to a dead fish duct-taped to the wall of my dorm room. I can't reach it. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to record us having sex and me screaming his name. He set it as my ringtone without telling me. I had my phone volume on high as I was hanging out with my family. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He also decided the best way to end our relationship was to kill me and our virtual child on The Sims 3 by setting us on fire. FML
Today, I came home from a long day at work, and heard voices coming from my living room. I thought my house was being robbed so I called 911. Turns out I left the T.V. on. FML
Today, I got woken up by Hallelujah blasting outside my apartment windows for 30 minutes straight. FML
Today, while leaving a restaurant, a little boy grabbed onto my leg and screamed, "Mommy! Don't leave me!" Then he looked up at my face, said, "Ewww," and ran away screaming in fear. FML
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