Today, I invited over my girlfriend of two years to spend my birthday night with her. Instead of a conventional wrapped birthday present, she gave me the news that she has taken a vow of chastity. FML
Today, our midterm exams were returned in my urban politics class. I had studied hard and scored 86%. The blonde girl next to me got a 92. Earlier in the semester she had asked me what state Detroit was in. FML
Today, my dog received a Christmas card before I did. FML
Today, I didn't get promoted, but the guy who showed up to work drunk a few weeks ago did. FML
Today, I was getting ready to go to a surprise party I'd planned for my best friend. All was going well on the discretion part until I logged onto Facebook. I saw that my sister had set her status to, "At Natalie's surprise party! BBL!" Natalie had liked it. FML
Today, I left work to find a note on my windshield that read, "I think you're cute," with a phone number written down as well. I got super excited and immediately dialed. The phone was answered by a woman laughing hysterically. It was my Mom. FML
Today, I found out that my husband never wanted to marry me, he only did because I wouldn't quit pestering him to propose to me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. Instead of taking me home like he told me he was going to, he pulled up to the gas station, gave me $6, and asked me to go pay. As soon as I walked inside, he threw my bag out the door, and drove off. FML
Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML
Today, I found out that my girlfriend has to pretend to have another boyfriend who isn't me, because her siblings and cousins don't like me. FML
Today, my mom and I were going to the store. I stayed in the car while she went in. In the car next to me, there was a dog in the driver's seat barking at me. Bored, I barked back at it until I realized there was someone in the passenger's seat watching me. FML
Today, Facebook told me I should reconnect with my husband. FML
Today, I crossed a one-way street after looking for oncoming traffic, only to be hit by a car driving in reverse. FML
Today, I remembered my mom got her carpet cleaned and to be careful while she was at work. To be nice, I vacuumed the whole house. Feeling proud of myself, I got a drink and went upstairs. I tripped and spilled red Kool-Aid all over the floor. FML
Today, the girl that I have been secretly madly in love with for 6 years told me "fuck off and stop doing nice things for me." FML
Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML
Today, I had to look up how to eat a mango on the internet. FML
Today, I decided to have a midnight snack. I figured I knew my own house well enough to leave the lights off so my mom wouldn't wake up. Chuckling at the brilliance of my plan, I walked straight into a doorframe and bust up my nose. FML
Today, I handed my friend a $50. I paid her to take care of my farm on Farmville, feed my fish on Fishville, and flip my burgers on Cafe World, while I went on vacation for a week. FML
Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML
Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML
Today, I was sent to the hospital for being knocked out with a potato. FML
Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML
Today, I found out that when you hit the neighbor's dog with your car, they might chase you a mile with a shotgun. FML
Today, I had to help my dad remove a splinter. From his butt. FML
Today, I chuckled at a "No Smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML
Today, I noticed my house smells a lot like my grandma's. Not because we use the same cleaning products or anything like that, but because I'm slowly turning into a crazy cat lady. FML
Today, I found out that my mom goes through my garbage. I'm 25 and don't live with her. FML
Today, my physics teacher accidentally lit me on fire. FML
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying he needed me to bail him out of jail. The crime? Masturbating in public. FML
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