Today, I did laundry at a laundromat for the first time. I then folded everything on the table, until an old man tapped my shoulder and said, “Uh, those are my socks.” I'd neatly folded his entire load of laundry. He took it back without a word. FML
Today, I received a text from an unknown number that read, "I love you." Thinking it was my partner being sweet, I responded with a long, sappy message about how much they mean to me. Turns out, it was a wrong number. The person responded with, "Um, thanks but I think you have the wrong number." FML
Today, I got dumped. This man was my soulmate. His parents don’t like me cause I was his side chick while he was married. I know it was wrong, but the heart wants what it wants. Apparently his parents can’t let bygones be bygones, so now I’m single again and heartbroken. FML
Today, for some reason, my amazing dad told me to slide down towards a pole on a car tire while tobogganing down a hill and I hit the tire, consequently getting hurt in the head. I love my dad but something must've gone wrong that day. FML
Today, I picked out the perfect combination of clothes, making sure everything matched, before heading off to work. As soon as I walked into the office, my coworker asked, “Why are you wearing pajamas?” I had no idea that my "stylish" new pants were actually a pair of super baggy pajama bottoms. FML
Today, I told my roommate I'd meal-prepped a whole week's worth of food. Hours later, I found all my perfectly packed containers… in the freezer. I meant to refrigerate them, but now I have seven blocks of chicken-and-rice ice sculptures. FML
Today, I texted my friend “Happy Birthday!” with balloons and confetti emojis. She replied, “It’s next week, but thanks for being early.” I’ve been her friend for ten years. FML
Today, my smart fridge sent me a notification saying the door had been left open. I ran downstairs, and discovered I had apparently connected the fridge to my phone correctly. For some reason, it was warning me about the open door in the hotel room three cities away that I'd stayed in last week. FML
Today, while playing Mario Wonder on my Switch, I missed a very simple jump at the end of a level and in response, slammed my foot down, hard. Unfortunately, my foot collided with a loose beam on my desk, causing it to break. My dad found out and told my mom, and now they've taken away my Switch for the day. FML
Today, I was feeling tired after a work meeting, so I took a quick power nap in my office before my next meeting. When I woke up, I thought I was still in a meeting, but I had been asleep for an hour. In my panic, I tried to act cool, but I had to walk past all my coworkers, who were wondering why I looked like a zombie walking into a meeting. FML
Today, the girl I’ve moved mountains and bent over backwards for chose another man over me. When I asked her why him and not me, she said, “He’s more attractive.” But she sure found me “attractive” when I spent $20k on her for gifts, favors, etc. She put me in the friend-zone, except when I took my wallet out. FML
Today, while in line at the grocery store, I was going over the witty but caustic things I wish I'd said in an argument earlier. Turns out, I was saying them out loud. The cashier gave me a weird look and said, “Are you okay, ma'am?” FML
Today, I'd booked a table at a restaurant for my parents’ anniversary but when we arrived, the staff couldn’t find the reservation. I checked my confirmation email and realized I’d booked it for the following evening. We did find a less classy restaurant nearby, but can't get my deposit back from the other place. FML
Today, I tried to flirt with the cute barista by pretending to know a lot about coffee. I said, “I’ll take a macchiato, extra creamy.” He smiled and said, “That’s… not a thing.” I panicked and said, “Neither is my love life.” FML
Today, on a whim, I tried the handle of the front door we never use and found it was unlocked. No one can remember the last time we used that door, and it opens directly onto the pavement, meaning for potentially years anyone could have strolled in at any time. Maybe they already have. FML
Today, I set my phone alarm to play a calm piano song so I’d wake up peacefully. Instead, Bluetooth connected to the speaker in my roommate’s room and blasted my alarm at full volume at 6 a.m. for both of us. FML
Today, I stayed up until 2 a.m. building my daughter's birthday present because I wanted everything to be perfect when she woke up. She opened the little oven door on the toy kitchen, and the whole thing collapsed onto the floor. I found an unopened bag of screws sitting on the table. FML
Today, I'm casually dating on the apps. Took home yesterday's date and believed she was casual too. In the morning she tells me she wants to be exclusive and has her future planned out with me. This is the fifth time in a row this has happened. Guess I shouldn't take anyone home unless I'm ready to be her life partner. FML
Today, I lost yet another girlfriend because my ex tells every girl I go out with that I cheated on her. She DMs them screenshots of what I did. I know I’m no saint, but all that was 6 months ago, and it was an accident. I can’t change the past, but I can be sorry for what I did. I just can’t win in this situation. FML
Today, I dumped my boyfriend before school for not putting enough effort into this relationship. He said okay, and then HE WAS WALKING WITH A WHOLE NEW GIRL AT SCHOOL. FML
Today, I went to Target with my girlfriend. As we were walking in, I saw a girl in a crop top and leggings walk by us. I instinctively turned my head to look so I could get her rear view. Not only was she flat as a board from the back, my now-ex noticed, broke up with me, and ordered a Uber home. FML
Today, my dogs have coordinated a T-formation as I lay down to sleep. Essentially cutting me off 80% of the bed. Too tired to fight, too annoyed to sleep. FML
Today, I posted a story on Instagram just so a certain someone who has been ghosting me could reply. He didn't. He never even opened my Instagram story. I should give up by now. FML
Today, in what was probably a freudian slip, I 'accidentally' sent my boss a text message meant for my therapist, containing an elaborate plan to sneak my cat into the office as my "emotional support animal." My boss replied with a simple "Denied." My dreams of a feline-fueled workspace shattered. FML
Today, I was running late for work and grabbed what I thought was my Stanley mug of coffee. Halfway to work, I took a big swig only to realize I had grabbed my son’s thermos of chicken noodle soup, which I then spat out. My car now smells like a deli, and I'm still uncaffeinated. FML
Today, I thought I was being smooth by using a pickup line on a cute barista. I confidently said, "Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears." She replied, "Actually, I'm a barista, and everyone else is waiting for their coffee. Next!" FML
Today, a guy I was into and who denied me because he “saw me as a friend only” began to date another girl. I asked him, “Why her and not me?” and he wouldn’t tell me. After pestering him, he finally caved in, saying, “Fine, plus sized girls are not my thing. Happy now?” So in other words, I have to lose weight to find love. FML
Today, I accidentally sent my boss a meme about hating work. Her reply? "Same." FML
Today, I got pulled over for speeding. I tried to make a joke to ease the tension and said, "I’m just trying to keep up with the traffic!" The officer looked around at the empty road and said, "What traffic? Are you under the influence? HANDS ON THE WHEEL!" It went downhill from there. FML
Today, I had a dentist appointment and was running late. I frantically put on my shoes and rushed out of the house. When I arrived at the dentist’s office, they told me I was scheduled for a root canal, not a cleaning. I forgot to confirm the appointment. After I sat down in the chair, I tried to back out, but they were already numbing my gums. FML
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