Today, I caught my young daughter eating candy after brushing her teeth. Angry, I asked her if she wanted all her teeth to fall out. She smiled and said, “Yes!” FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend begged me not to take an amazing promotion at my job. He reasoned that he’d be emasculated and humiliated if he had a girlfriend that outranked and out-earned him. I had to celebrate alone as my whole family lives in another state. Congrats to me but also, FML
Today, I read an FML about a guy who only kissed his girlfriend to make her shut up up. I left a comment, telling him to break up with her and stop wasting her time, only to realise I’d wasted 3 years on my abusive alcoholic ex. I’m now 30 and starting to think I’m getting too old to find someone and have kids. FML
Today, since I've been falling for the girl I've been sleeping with for the past couple of months, I decided it was time for us to talk about making things official and exclusive. I was confident she'd feel the same way. Then I found out she's an escort. FML
Today, my wife opted for a home birth with a nurse and her mother. Her mother is such a baby-feral, men-are-bastards, hippie feminist dragon that not only did she yell at me when I tried to be in the room, she has now pushed me out of the house. I ended up sat in my car with only one shoe and no phone. FML
Today, my son has the bizarre ability to remember any movie or series he has ever watched, even from the sounds without seeing the screen. He just identified Jumanji by the sound of Van Pelt's rifle, despite not having watched the movie in years… yet he only passed two GCSEs. FML
Today, my dad was so dizzy, he couldn't get out of bed. I called his doctor but sadly I confused the word "vertigo" with "libido." The doctor may have been impressed but offered me no helpful suggestions. FML
Today, a month into exercising for the first time in years to get summer body for vacation, the sudden exertion pushed back my period. If I'd sat on my ass, my period would have been on time this month, and over next month before my vacation started. I was really looking forward to period-free vacation. Not anymore. FML
Today, I found out that the coworker I’d been crushing on told me he was gay so I wouldn’t hit on him anymore. Turns out he did that so he could focus on wooing a female coworker of mine. They’re now dating. FML
Today, I just realized that my Sims character has a far more stable lifestyle than what I can ever have. FML
Today, I finally finished a drawing of a tiger. The only thing left to do is write the word "Tiger" in Sanskrit and glitter on the portrait, because I thought it would look cool. Only to find out, the Sanskrit word for tiger is "Viagra." No, I'm not kidding. This portrait took me numerous tries and several weeks. FML
Today, my wife was screaming at our son over his maths homework, so I poked my nose in to help calm them down. My wife was not happy when I pointed out that most of her calculations and answers were wrong, whereas our son got most of his right. I’m now in the doghouse because my wife can’t count. FML
Today, my overly jealous insecure brother "found" my ATM receipt, and called me out during a family luncheon, accusing me for being a drug dealer because, "How else could someone who is unemployed even before the pandemic could have almost 7 digits?" I couldn't answer them. Secretly, I'm a furry hentai artist. FML
Today, my manager yelled at me for not supporting Trump, who "obviously is the best choice for president right now." We don’t even live in America, we live in England. FML
Today, I finally caught the person who has now and again been stealing my lunch at work for weeks. It was my boss. I awkwardly watched him eat my sandwich while he talked about how he's been "saving money by bringing food from home." FML
Today, I presented the worst seminar presentation probably in the entire history of my graduate department. I kept stumbling over questions, and overall, making an ass out of myself. I probably should leave my masters program at how thoroughly I burned myself. FML
Today, I attended a family reunion, during which my grandma gave me "relationship advice" in front of everyone. She's been married five times, and her longest marriage lasted a whole 6 months. FML
Today, my wife spent a ton of money she took from me for a very expensive lingerie because, "it makes her feel more feminine and beautiful." Again. All this stuff just gathers dust in her drawers, and she keeps wearing the same ugly raggedy underwear for 3-4 days in a row, which is actually disgusting. FML
Today, I realized it became my duty as an American to check in on nearby friends and family every time another mass shooting happens. My government refuses to do anything about it. FML
Today, I got slapped in the face for stifling a yawn at my grandmother’s funeral. I wasn’t being disrespectful; I have a condition. FML
Today, I got a new job where one of my co-workers is someone I have been in love with for over 5 years now. She's married but my feelings for her just won't go away. FML
Today, after buying an old house that lacks plumbing a few weeks ago, I’m still crapping in a bucket in the barn. My two favorite Christmas gifts are still 2 pieces of rubber to dampen the noise from my new sewage pump and a used ceramic toilet bowl. FML
Today, I crashed my brother's car. All my friends know about this and not a single person has ask if I'm OK, even my dad and brother don't seem to be worried about me. Only my mother and I are sad because I don't know how to pay for a new car, the old one is in pieces. Thank god I'm alive but maybe dead would've been better. FML
Today, I met this girl on a party and things were going really well. We ended up getting it on in my room and I was about to do my thing after confidently having bragged the whole night that I was the inspiration of the 50 shades of Grey series. Well, guess who got a whiskey dick… FML
Today, I was playing Spikeball with some friends when the ball got lost and went rolling towards a pond. As I sprinted to grab it before it fell in the water, my shoe came off, causing me to trip and faceplant into the mud. I then watched as the ball rolled into the pond. FML
Today, while sprinting, I tripped, fell, and somehow managed to kick myself in the balls. Legs shouldn’t bend like that and I’m frankly amazed I didn’t break my knee. My wife got the whole thing on video too. FML
Today, I found out that I'm allergic to shrimp, when I went out for a lunch with my long-term crush after I finally got the courage to ask her out. She's really into seafood. A little while into the afternoon I started to feel itchy. She ended up scratching my back all night. FML
Today, I looked down while taking a piss and could only see my belly button. Wow, I’m fat now. FML
Today, my son thinks that we’re becoming a dictatorship with a tyrannical government, all because "Kanye West is being attacked for exercising his first amendment rights." I had to explain to him that hate speech is inappropriate, no matter what the Bill of Rights says. He replied, “Facts over feelings.” FML
Today, as I'm terminally ill and have less than a year to live, I told my wife that she could see other men so long as she continued to care for me until I passed. She clapped and cheered. FML
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