Today, according to my doctor, I have the most stubborn case of chlamydia he’s ever encountered. It’s somehow survived three full courses of treatment, and I only caught it because my ex-fiancé is a cheating whoremonger. I may never have sex again. FML
Today, I confiscated my daughter’s tablet, phone and laptop after I caught her exchanging nudes with boys. My ex then called me in a rage, threatening to take me to court over “stealing his belongings” since he purchased them. No concern for our daughter’s behavior, just him wanting the stuff. FML
Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML
Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my girlfriend's father. He screenshotted it. FML
Today, a fork hit me in the eye. I was holding it. I didn't even get to eat my chicken. FML
Today, I had to do a PowerPoint presentation alone, since none of my group members showed up. I was given a big fat 0 for doing the presentation alone. It was worth 50% of my grade. FML
Today, I can add "Ferrari" to the long list of cars I’ve almost been hit by. FML
Today, after I'd met a nice guy and went on some really nice dates, I decided to sleep with him. I knew he had only been intimate once, so I expected some awkwardness, or that he might struggle. I didn't, however, expect that in bed he would sound like a cross between the Road Runner and the Swedish Chef Muppet. FML
Today, my mother suffered a stroke and had to be hospitalized. In order to drive him to the hospital, I actually had to find my father, who never answers any phone calls or messages and is rarely home. I found out on the spot that he was cheating on my mother. What an asshole. FML
Today, I was getting catcalled downtown by a guy I've never seen before. Then he told me he knows where I live, and accurately described my apartment while he followed me for 2 blocks. FML
Today, it's not bad enough that I'm fighting stage 4 colorectal cancer, and that I'm 3 weeks out of colostomy surgery, during the night, it came unhooked from my body in my sleep. I woke up to the smell of shit, and I was covered in dried shit, glued to my sheets. It made it through 2 'waterproof' mattress protectors, to the expensive foam mattress. FML
Today, I received a message telling me the guy I was seeing just wasn’t feeling the “vibe”. This would be fine, if he hadn’t given me the best sex, and the only sex I’ve enjoyed, in years and years. FML
Today, my wife made me feel like an asshole for not leaving work to come home because she wasn't feeling good. I'm working at a jobsite 1.5 hours away from home, plus my vehicle wasn't at the jobsite either. FML
Today, someone had been stealing my brownie at work every day, so I sprinkled cocolax on one and waited to find out who the culprit was. Turns out it was my manager. Needless to say, I'm fired. FML
Today, I fucking hate Veterans Day. It's just an outpouring of artificial gratitude, because tomorrow when all the parades and free meals are all gone, my back will still hurt, my knees will still hurt, and my soul will still be tainted. No one fucking gives a shit anymore, not like yesterday, not even close. FML
Today, my cat woke me up announcing he was hungry by standing on my bedside table. This placed him both next to and above my head. Did he do this by meowing? Nope. Did he do it by tapping me with his little paw? Not that either. He sneezed all over my face. FML
Today, while I was visiting my grandfather's grave, a car drove past and hit my car. The damage wouldn’t have been so bad had it not been the same car my grandfather gave me before he died. FML
Lee Marsh tells us more.
Op here. Nope it’s a 2003 Nissan Altima. It was his last car he drove. It has sentimental value and he took excellent care of it. It’s not valuable, but having a piece of something that meant so much to him makes it priceless to me.
Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Remember the show Honey Boo Boo? They seem sophisticated compared to the family of weirdoes I got to meet. It's almost got me reconsidering my planned proposal. FML
Today, I realized timing really is everything. I met the man of my dreams less than a month before I’m relocating for work. FML
Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML
Today, my brother put feces on my windshield and released a hoard of crickets, usually used to feed his bearded dragon, inside my car seats, all because I didn’t give him some money from my deceased daughter’s life insurance payout to spend on a new car and a PS5. The kicker? He claims I’M the selfish one. FML
Today, I smacked a big mosquito that had landed on my leg. My boyfriend then said to me, "I wonder if their mouth snaps off when you slap them, and now it’s stuck in your skin." Thanks. Thanks a lot. FML
Today, I saw one of the gay kids from my class getting picked on, so I tried to stand up for him. Not only did I get my ass kicked, but now my girlfriend thinks I might secretly be gay. Why? Because, in her own words, "Straight guys never defend gay guys!" She fails to see anything wrong with this mindset. FML
Today, I found out I’m going through early menopause. My husband was finally ready to have a baby, after years of debate and saying he’s not ready. I warned him my ovaries wouldn’t hold out forever. He seems shocked that menopause happens to all women and is irreversible. FML
Today, I noticed a strange mark on the inside of my mouthwash bottle. As I was bending down to investigate, my hands tightened around the bottle and mouthwash squirted in my eye. It still burns. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of almost two years has been cheating on me with his ex. They had a horrible, abusive relationship and she even stabbed him at one point. I got him out of that situation and almost went broke doing that. FML
Today, halfway through a blowjob, my girlfriend bit my penis because she suddenly decided that she was still annoyed at me for an argument we had last week. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I moved into our own house. He proceeded to invite his parents to stay for the week. The same parents we've lived with for the past 5 years. FML
Today, I found out my newly-divorced father is now going to marry my girlfriend's mother. Tough situation here. FML
Today, I'm spending the night at my family’s house. I have to share a room with my two kids and their mother. The three of them snore like warthogs in a zoo. Desperate for sleep, I went to go sleep on the couch. The dog sleeping on the rug snores like an old truck. I’m never going to get any sleep. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
