Today, I found out that my intense acne is actually an allergic reaction to the "deep clean" product I've been using to reduce it. I've been using this product for the past ten years. Ten years of suffering through "acne" could have been easily avoided. FML
Today, I was in bed sick from pneumonia. I asked my boyfriend to nuke a can of soup for me. He said "in a sec, let me finish this game" and continued to play on his Xbox for an hour. Starving, I crawled out to make soup. When I sat down to eat, he paused the game and asked "you didn't make me any?" FML
Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML
Today, someone tried to break into my car. They tried to do so by jamming a key into my lock, only for the key to break. I guess the key cut their hand, because I had the pleasure of finding the person's blood all over my passenger door. FML
Today, my best friend thought it would look cool if I recorded her swinging while lying under the swing. She ended up kicking me in the face and laughing so hard, she pissed on me. FML
Today, I was packing my son's lunch and we'd ran out of water bottles. I asked my 16 year-old to run to the store. She didn't want to, but gave me one she had. After dropping my son off, my daughter frantically told me she'd made a mistake. I sent my second grader to school with a bottle of vodka. FML
Today, I accidentally walked in on my mom cheating on my step-dad with my real dad. FML
HeyTherexxx tells us more.
HeyTherexxx 21
Unfortunately, seeing them was inevitable. I'm trying not to get involved, but needless to say, it's difficult. Apparently, my mother is going to tell my step-dad, but she's a liar sometimes. One step at a time, I suppose.
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by dressing up in sexy lingerie. When I went to answer the door he was standing there with a shocked expression, his friends parked in the driveway had the same expression as well. He came to break up with me. He told me after we had sex. FML
Today, my boyfriend dumped me for a guy. I was the only one who knew he was bisexual. Now everyone thinks I "turned him gay." FML
Today, I finally got to meet my boyfriend's parents; it turns out that his mum is my therapist. I've just spent an entire morning telling her how confused I am about my sexuality. FML
Today, my older brother and some of his cute friends came over. When we were inside, my mom yelled to me, "I got you some bigger tampons because you leaked all over your new underwear." They all started laughing. FML
Today, I walked into my son's room only to be attacked by a swarm of flies. I'm afraid to go back in there. FML
Today, I received a call from a company attempting to steal me away. Flattered, I told them I liked my job and the answer was no. When I told my boss, he said they're thinking about laying me off and I should've taken the job. FML
Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML
Today, I received the Christmas gift I bought for my sister in the mail. I also received a nearly $200 bill for shipping fees, taxes, etc. for a $50 blanket from Canada. FML
Today, I didn't want to get sand in my shoes, so I walked down to the beach barefoot. The sand was so hot that it burned the soles of my feet. I now have blisters across the bottom of my feet and between my toes… but at least there's no sand in my shoes. FML
Today, my father gave me his blessing to be married on one condition: that I keep my maiden name when I marry. My fiancé thought it would be "epic". My last name will be hyphenated to Cobb-Webb. FML
Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my boss's van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML
Today, I had the privilege of looking into my husband's eyes and uttering one of the sexiest phrases in the English language, "I need a suppository." FML
Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML
Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public, she needed to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML
Today, my dad got so drunk that he proposed to me. FML
Today, I used the restroom at a mall. I thought I was alone, so I started singing. When I got out of the stall, there were men staring at me. Not only did I embarrass myself with my own singing, I'd accidentally used the men's restroom too. FML
Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML
Today, my car was broken into. What was stolen? My steering wheel. FML
Today, my obnoxious roommate who always blasts crappy music day in and day out as loud as he can has reached an all time low. He has now started blasting Christmas music. It's May. FML
LucyLollipop tells us more.
LucyLollipop 22
Hey guys! OP here, thought I'd add to the fun. So, I live in a dorm-like building. I rent a room and share the kitchen, bathroom, living area, etc. It sucks, but it's affordable and it's what I've got till my car is reliable enough to move farther from my work. This place is off campus though, so the people who live here are more druggies, welfare recipients, and some really weird people, with a couple normal ones in the mix. Also, the walls are paper thin. The neighbor/roommate in question is a 46 year old, toothless guy with no job except for prospecting in the local rivers and streams occasionally. He always keeps his door open, yawns and burps louder than anyone needs to, and plays a lot of music. Including but not limited to "My Heart Will Go On," and the Chippettes' rendition of "Let It Go." Those songs. Every day. Multiple times a day. So I guess I can be grateful he was blasting "All I Want for Christmas is You" instead of the usual, but still. He also likes to watch hentai with the door wide open and the volume up. I honestly don't mind Christmas music when it's Christmas! Except I've been working retail so it's grinding on my nerves more now. Oh well. Thanks for all the sympathy! I loved reading all the comments, they've made my lunch break a little more interesting.
Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML
Today, on the bus, my friends and I gorged ourselves on a ton of candy. When it was my stop, I began to walk to the front of the bus. Upon getting off the bus, I tried to thank the driver with a mouth full of candy. It sounded like I said "Fuck you". FML
ScratchCatPower tells us more.
Heyo. OP here! Yes, my parents always told me not to talk with food in my mouth... Haha. Though in this instance, since I always thank my bus driver, I figured I should just thank him despite the fact that I had a mouthful of candy. Didn't turn out the way I expected. Also, very true, #2. I probably should have savored it. Alas! The candy! Tis lost forever, a true tragedy indeed. ;-;
Today, I texted my mom and told her I'm pregnant and she responded with, "I can’t respond to this right now." So she and my dad are disappointed in me. None of my other siblings were married or even engaged before having their kids. I’m 23, engaged, and own my own house. I don’t see the problem. FML
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