Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went on a hike. About two miles into the five mile trail, my stomach started to bubble and I realized there were no bathrooms nearby. My only options were to literally shit my pants or shit in a bush. Well, I shit in the bush and had no tissue to wipe. I hate having stomach issues. FML
Today, I went on a hiking date with my significant other. Trying to be adventurous and assertive, I suggested we take a shortcut through the woods. We got hopelessly lost and ended up spending the night in a deserted ranger station. Turns out, my idea of adventure is not quite as romantic as it sounds. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went on a Snowshoeing date. I felt sick and suggested we turn back. He said I could wait in the car and continued on the date alone. He was gone for hours, while I was stuck alone in a national park with no cell reception, food, or water. FML
Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML
Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML
Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML
Today, I was stuck in a stiflingly hot port-a-potty for 30 minutes with the worst bowel issues ever due to food poisoning. To make things worse, the maintenance guy came two minutes in to drain the thing and had to wait outside till I was done, muttering angrily at me as I took the humiliating walk of shame to my car. FML
Today, I went on a hike with friends, but as I'm the worst outdoorsperson because I rarely venture outside of the city, I ended up getting lost in some woods after straying from our group. I ended up having to call 911 to be rescued. My friends will absolutely not let me live this ordeal down. FML
Today, I have a horrible hangover. My mom also decided it was a good day to go hiking. I ended up puking on the trail. FML
Today, I went on a relaxing nature hike to de-stress. I got lost for hours, encountered a bear, and had to play dead, only for the bear to steal my sandwich then sit there for hours before finally leaving. FML
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Top comments
crudeandrudeguy 29
I don't remember seeing this muddy section on the map earlier... Uh...
OysterPearls 33
Well this is how you know your husband the one: he'll still love you even after dealing with all your shit.
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Comments (25)
crudeandrudeguy 29
I don't remember seeing this muddy section on the map earlier... Uh...
kimeatszombies 22
Reminds me of that camping episode of Bob's Burgers. Don't eat raw trout, kids.
tounces7 28
What I hate is that restaurants can do this and get away with it all the time. There's really squat you can do when they don't follow safe food handling practices and poison you.
Seabass_Chan 33
So... is the FML that you got food poisoning, that you got food poisoning on your anniversary, that your husband has a shitty (pun intended) taste in anniversary gifts, or all of the above?
MDoremis 38
I don't really think this is all that confusing. It's bad all around.
mfmylifesrsly 30
I personally would love that as an anniversary gift (minus the food poisoning, of course) and I'm not even athletic or do stuff like hiking.
Lalala579121 28
It's because the food poisoning ruined their anniversary trip. Is it really that difficult to figure out? As for the "shitty taste in anniversary gifts", just because you wouldn't enjoy something doesn't mean others don't. And personally I think a walk/hike through the woods with nobody but my SO would be quite lovely.
OysterPearls 33
Well this is how you know your husband the one: he'll still love you even after dealing with all your shit.
Lalala579121 28
Well I don't really think this would qualify as dealing with OP's shit, unless she gets food poisoning on a regular basis.
soodytheboi 23
No matter where you go hiking, you should always bring materials and/or a First Aid kit in case something like this happened. Be ready for the worst, even if it's extremely unlikely.
Lalala579121 28
Especially if you're hiking somewhere you would need a map. Sure, state parks are a hell of a lot safer than hiking in the wilderness or backcountry, but you never know when something might happen when nobody is around.
1hardasswoman 10
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1hardasswoman 10
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katachristic 19
Sucks that you got food poisoning, but you really should have been more prepared. At least you did bring some water and the map.
jtsmommy 11
ALWAYS take a roll of toilet paper on hikes, preferably biodegradable or bring a plastic bag too. Sorry that your stomach ache ruined your anniversary outing though.
lakesofire 13
did you happen to eat any of that other guy's spaghetti bolognese?