Today, it really feels like I ain’t even got organs, because no matter what I eat or drink, that shit goes straight down and out. FML
Today, my colleagues have been trying to play matchmaker between myself and the new girl at the office. I'll admit we share more similarities than differences from what I've learned so far, but I know something my colleagues don't: she's actively pursuing a guy through online dating. FML
Today, I bombed a job interview after preparing overnight for it. It was literally my only opportunity to survive during this era of layoffs and hiring freezes, but I totally fudged it. I fucked it so hard that I can't feel my genitals. FML
Today, my boss was hosting some client representatives for a meeting and had offered to buy everyone lunch. The "healthy" place he's ordering from made me sick last time, so I'd politely opted out. At lunch, the reps glared at me in the meeting room as I ate my homemade chili con carne. Turns out they're all vegans. FML
Today, I realized I bought 30 condoms last year. I now have 29. FML
Today, I finally had it with the redneck bully who's been tormenting me. He was repeatedly poking and pinching me and laughing out loud during class, so I slung him to the ground, pinning him. I got suspended. They only called his parents, who never do anything; my "caring" parents are looking into teen boot camp. FML
Today, I started a new fantasy romance novel. It was very interesting, but then later I read the plot on Wikipedia and spoiled not just the book but the whole series for myself. Why do I do this? FML
Today, I got looked at weirdly for brushing my teeth in an airport bathroom. FML
Today, I realized I've become a stereotypical militant vegan when I told a friend that we should start raising Lone Star ticks and dropping them around town so we could spread meat allergies and force people to eat vegan. FML
Today, I got burgled. Not only did he steal my TV and game consoles, but he took a huge diarrhea dump in my underwear drawer and wiped his ass with my tailored suit. The dry cleaner won't accept it because it's a biohazard. FML
Today, I met a hot guy at a club and we really hit it off. We went back to his place and we got down to business. After, I noticed he had an iPod Touch on his nightstand. I complimented him on it and he responded with, "Yeah, my girlfriend gave it to me as an anniversary present." FML
Today, it occurred to me just how dependent I am on my parents, and that I would be totally fucked if something happened to them. The state of the world right now makes it impossible for young people to get anywhere. Especially one who can't drive and can barely talk to anyone without having a panic attack. AKA: Me. FML
Today, after a five day bout of severe chronic constipation, I decided to get some orange juice and increase my water intake. The good news is that I'm no longer constipated. The bad news is that I've got diarrhea now. FML
Today, the homewrecker who stole my boyfriend had the audacity to text me that I have to pay her medical bills from the pounding I gave her when I caught her and my boyfriend red-handed. She doesn’t care that I will now be a single mom of two kids and my only source of income is gone. FML
Today, I was hanging with my lesbian friend, who I am secretly in love with. I bought her flowers, took her out to eat, and we held hands all through dinner. We met up with our friends later and she told them what we did, then said, "Isn't she the best friend ever? I'm so glad I have an honorary sister like her." FML
Today, during a Zoom meeting, I thought my mic was muted. I sighed loudly and muttered, “I have no idea what this guy’s talking about.” The “guy” immediately stopped talking and said, “If you’re confused, I can repeat stuff.” Everyone stared in silence while I melted into my chair. FML
Today, I was talking with my Grandma, who lives on the opposite side of the state, and congratulated her on reaching 87. She said she was hoping to reach 90. My brain went in a very morbid direction as I quietly wondered if she'd live to 90. She didn't hear it but my dad, her son, did. Apologizing didn't help. FML
Today, I called the suicide hotline, only to get lectured by a very condescending man. I hung up and called back, only for the other line to pick up and hang up on me immediately. FML
Today, everything I touch goes wrong or into the trash. Whatever I do at work, I screw up somehow (in new ways every time) and get blamed. I worked for months on something, only for it to be scrapped. I just feel like I should give up on everything, including life. FML
Today, the coworker I have been hitting it off with rejected me. Apparently she has a crush on another male employee. An employee who is married and somehow has three other girls in our store actually fighting over him (I've heard arguments). She thinks she has a chance? FML
Today, I superglued the sole back into my shoe. Unfortunately, the glue didn't dry as quickly as it said it would on the bottle. The glue seeped through the sole and my foot got superglued to my shoe. FML
Today, my boyfriend came home and said he'd been fired from his minimum wage cashier job. He added that since I make enough to cover the bills, he wants to take a break from "working and shit." I stared at him, mouth agape, and he thought I was offering him a blowjob. FML
Today, I ripped my second pair of jeans within a month. I know I have gained weight… or I can see the gain of fat cells. I'm desperate for change, but I have no clue what to do! I’ve tried it all! I'm a teacher and I can't afford a personal trainer. Believe me, I went through all the embarrassment of opening up. FML
Today, my husband re-homed the puppy I got because he chewed his sandals. I spent $5000 on the puppy, including microchipping, certifications, etc. He told me, “That’ll teach you to stop spending our money on dumb shit.” Oh, and I have to get him new sandals. FML
Today, a customer called me a "smart ass" because I helped him scan his coupon correctly. FML
Today, I applied for the health and safety representative role at work as an add-on to my role. I convinced a co-worker to put his name down along with mine so I wasn't the only one. He didn't want it so much, and it went to a vote… which I lost. FML
Today, I’ve never been in a relationship during which I wasn’t cheated on. Not that I seek the wrong kind of partner, I usually end up finding out, catching me by surprise. Mentally stable women don’t think I exist. Most of the sane girls I have known have unfollowed me since high school. FML
Today, after a long, tedious and annoying wait in line at the supermarket, my 5-year-old told the cashier, “Mommy says you’re too slow.” FML
Today, my long distance friend-with-benefits informed me she's now in a relationship with an amazing guy. I should be happier for her, as even I admit he is perfect for her. Too bad I just spent over a thousand dollars on plane tickets to visit her. The tickets are completely nonrefundable. FML
Today, I fucked up by clicking on my ex's new partner's stories while deep-diving into their Instagram. Now they know I'm still lurking in the shadows of their social media because they can see who viewed their stories, and I can feel the judgment radiating through the screen. FML
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