The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Hang in there

Today, everything is falling apart. I hate my job where I get to pick up the mess of clients who don't think. Insane weather: strong rain all the time, and I have to go outside for work. Also, applying for Master's but no offers yet. I desperately want to switch jobs. I feel so alone in this. Health is fucked up. Skipped periods for 3 months. FML

Good boy

Today, I got locked out of my car while the engine was idling. The "good news"? My dog inside the car thought this was the funniest thing ever and barked happily every time I tried to open it. FML

Teamwork

Today, I spent ages cleaning my house, only for my toddler to spill a box of cereal right when I'd finished. As I cleaned up the mess, the dog dragged the cereal into almost every room. All the floors now have what I can only describe as "surprise crunch zones." FML

Bon appétit !

Today, as I was running late for work, I asked my husband to pack me some hard boiled eggs for lunch. When I went on my lunch break, I went to crack my eggs only to discover they were completely raw. When confronted, my husband said, “Well you didn’t say I had to cook them first!” FML

Scientists in disguise

Today, I lost a second friend to QAnon conspiracy theories. Worst yet, he started messaging everyone I know on Facebook, telling them I'm a hypocrite who doesn’t “do his research.” Those who don’t now think he was my gay lover believe we were lab partners. What do I do with that? FML

A very good boy

Today, I waved at a dog through a car window because it looked pleased to see me. The dog wasn't looking at me. Its owner thought I was waving at him and got out to have a conversation. We talked for ten awkward minutes because he thought I was hitting on him. FML

The ripple effect

Today, my dad is freaking out because he thinks he's next on the list of targets the NYC CEO shooter has. Not because he himself is a healthcare-ruining CEO, but he's a pharmacist who gets death threats every week from patients he can't give medication to, due to insurance companies denying everything. FML

Don't tread on me

Today, I bought a used treadmill and set it up in my room. I switched it on, it made one heroic whir, died before I could even get on it, then it tripped the fuse box. I was left in the dark, holding a sneaker, while my roommate upstairs yelled, “Is that normal? What've you done this time?” FML

Guess that's a "No thanks" then

Today, I tracked down my long-lost daughter after losing her to foster care 26 years ago when I was on drugs. I knocked on her door and introduced myself, going in for a hug. She maced me and physically kicked me back into the hall, threatening a restraining order if I ever spoke to her again, and slammed the door. FML

Your cooking, dude

Today, I made popcorn shrimp. My dog was being a whiner so I gave her one of the shrimp. I guess she didn't like it because she hopped right back up and spat it out on my plate. FML

Socialized healthcare, now!

Today, I'm into a three week battle with the United States medical system regarding my mom. I've even moved friends onto our farm because I'm a traveling electrician. Yup, they took a pissed off email a little too serious. I'm on charges of fraud and I need to leave on friday to keep the family farm. FML

Thanks, Bill

Today, I was busy writing my English final paper and all of a sudden my computer just chose to freeze. I thought Microsoft Word would save it, but alas, 4 pages down the dumpster. Plus my earphones stopped working and I can't afford to buy a new pair. FML

I'm a mess

Today, I set practically ten alarms because I absolutely could not oversleep for an important appointment. I woke up two hours early, panicked that I'd missed it, and couldn't fall back asleep. I spent the entire appointment looking like I hadn't slept at all. FML

It is?

Today, and for the last few months, I finally have enough money to be able to move into my own place. I can finally have girls over. I am also at the age of 26, where most girls stop wanting to go over to a guy's house. I wish I was 18 again, when independence is seen as new and sexy. FML

Things we shoulda talked about

Today, I told my fiancé that my parents and sister would need to move into our house once we got married. He got really mad and started a huge fight. He doesn't understand that once we get married, we'll be family, and in my culture, family sticks together no matter what. FML

Knackered

Today, I have to go work for ten hours in a warehouse after getting no sleep at all. I get horrendously sick if I don’t sleep. FML

Brainrot

Today, I was spelling out a code for a customer and I said, “Q as in Cucumber” and he immediately said, “Cucumber is spelled with a C.” The call was recorded and my boss will probably hear it one day. FML

Double take

Today, I walked into a job interview, then turned round and walked back out again. The interviewer was a one-night stand that ended very badly months ago, and she remembered me. I could see in her face the interview was pointless, so instead of grovelling I went to the pub to drown my sorrows. FML

Nope, no thanks

Today, I found out that I have to appear in juvenile court because I refused to go visit my dad, even though it was court ordered. FML

Today, on Hoarders…

Today, my mom’s house is so dirty and cluttered, there's hardly any space left for actually living in it. Two months ago, she intended to finally organize and tidy up. Now, she's bought a trailer and is simply moving into that instead. FML

Thanks!

Today, I suggested to my mom that, as a thank you for me taking care of her 2 dozen animals for weeks, she might get rid of the garbage heaps that have been sitting in inconvenient places for months, and also finally repair the shower in the house I rent from her. FML

It's the most wonderful time of the year…

Today, I found out I'm "no longer under consideration" for all 8 of the jobs I recently applied for. I'm broke and stuck living with my ex, who's got a new boyfriend. I hate my life and myself, wish I was dead every day, and am stuck in retail hell for the foreseeable future. I barely eat and exist only to work and sleep. FML

Bathroom Ninja

Today, I tried to quietly leave a public toilet at work without anyone noticing how long I'd been in there. The automatic hand dryer turned on as I walked past, making me jump so hard, I walked straight into the door. FML

Today, my daughter said "I love you mom", to me for the first time I can remember. She is 16 years old. She said it because I bought her first thong. FML

Cold snap

Today, we're both sick, the heating hasn’t been working for 3 days, yet the repair company refuses to fix it because some technicality is not up to current regulations. Right on time, we’re also about to be hit by a cold spell, promising sub-zero temperatures. FML

Dude, shut up!

Today, I was having a pretty good day, then I showed up to work for my night shift. I get here, and I’m put on the worst check stand, have to work with the most annoying person on the planet, and I forgot both my dinner and my AirPods at home. FML

New fangled technology

Today, I went to the gym for the first time in months and tried to act like I belonged there. I used the wrong machine, adjusted something I shouldn’t have, and had to ask a teenager how to reset it. FML

Stars of CCTV

Today, I had a discussion with my boss. I work at a self storage, and told her that we need 8 more security cameras so that we can cover all the hallways. She decided to get 2 put into the office so she can spy on her employees instead. FML

Some friend you are

Today, I had to give back the Christmas present to who I thought was my best friend. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I declined. Apparently, because I don’t feel the same way he does, I don’t deserve it. I was under the impression that he’d given me this present to be a friend, not to get in my pants. FML

You OK, Human?

Today, I was walking my dog when I slipped on some mud and fell onto my ass. As I fell, I let go of the leash, and my dog just stood there, staring at me in what seemed like curious judgment. FML