The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Archivist

Today, my dad threatened to kick me out and cut me off if I didn't apologize to his girlfriend, whom I don't get along with. She found the heavily used textbook I bought from a second hand bookstore, which is full of funny doodles and tons of harsh hate messages to a certain "Susan", which coincidentally is her name. FML

Creeped out the full

Today, after my wife’s father made a very weird joke the other day, and it completely bothered me and caused my anxiety to skyrocket, I asked her about it. She told me not to worry and that it’s just a joke. I’ve always suspected he views his daughter, my wife, sexually. I don't know what to do. FML

Mix and match

Today, I started to paint the top of a piece of furniture. My husband had painted the sides a few months ago. I sanded/prepped. He went to buy the paint he had used. I was half done when I stepped back and saw that the colors didn't match. He forgot what he used, so he bought whatever, and "thought it would be OK." FML

Today, I decided to sleep in for 5 extra minutes. Those 5 extra minutes became 55 minutes, which, coincidentally, was roughly the length of the midterm I missed. FML

Not my best day

Today, I went fishing and the game warden stopped and asked for my license, only to find out I'd let it expire. He told me if I went and got it renewed, I wouldn’t get a ticket. On the way to get a new fishing license, I got pulled over and given a ticket for expired inspection. FML

Smooth talker

Today, whilst we were doing the deed, my boyfriend thought it would be super funny to say, "How does it feel to have a teenager inside of you?" He's 18 and I'm 20, with a year and a half between us. Mood RUINED. FML

Fire hazard

Today, my boyfriend thought it was OK for both of us to leave the house with the oven on. FML

Life is life

Today, I spent all day watching sad cat adoption/rescue videos on Instagram and now I'm bummed out thinking about how mine are going to die within my lifetime. FML

Where to now?

Today, I found out that the pharmacy I've been getting my prescriptions from for over two decades is closing down. Just the one store. In less than a week. The signs proudly proclaim "Store Closing! This Store Only!" FML

Stuck on amber

Today, my wife and mother of my kids said she doesn't want sex. Or a divorce. FML

Unacceptable behavior

Today, a company who interviewed me by phone for 15 minutes rejected my application, even though I passed a video portion previously. The first question was, "Tell us about yourself without talking about your work qualifications," and I talked about my daughter, skiing, and making sourdough bread. FML

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

Today, I found my long lost diary and curiously read it. What's worse than finding out that your mother read your diary? Finding out that your mother wrote comments in it. FML

Skittish

Today, I was halfway through a pair of pants I'd started making when my PTSD kicked in and I had a panic attack, and thought someone was yelling at me, so my response was to throw a pair of sewing scissors at the non-existent person. They hit the wall and now I have to get the wall patched up. FML

Did it taste good at least?

Today, I popped something straight out of the oven into my mouth. It burned my tongue instantly, but instead of spitting it out, I swallowed. I felt it burning all the way down. Now I can’t eat solid food or drink hot drinks. FML

Drenched

Today, I got caught in the rain without an umbrella. I arrived at work looking like a wet rat, and my boss sent me home to change. I forgot my keys at work and ended up locked out of my apartment in the rain. I can't seem to catch a break. FML

Skincare

Today, months after a severe poison ivy rash, I have learned that I now have a very intense poison ivy allergy. As in, any exposure to poison ivy at all will cause my face, hands, thighs, and groin to swell up and itch madly for up to a week. FML

Derpina

Today, in our homecoming high school reunion, the batch's "derpina" broke cardinal rule #1, "No +1", by bringing her baby, brandishing her to everyone. When it was my turn, as I held the baby, she said her first word, "Daddy" and just like back in school, everyone started to tease me with her all over again. FML

Today, my little nieces and nephews were about to have a water balloon fight. I was told to take pictures. They hit me. And my $600 camera. FML

It's called fashion

Today, I flew some 1,800km cross country for a work conference. The trip involved an Uber, two trains, the flight, a bus, and the conference itself. My shirt was inside out the whole time, and not one soul mentioned it. FML

Bass, how low can you go?

Today, I tried to study for my upcoming engineering exam. The class I’m in is notorious for being incredibly difficult and is oftentimes the reason for people dropping out of the major. Too bad the dudes in the apartment next to me have a subwoofer and keep playing music that has way too much bass. FML

This is fine

Today, I found out that my father, who very recently lost his wife, decided that drunkenly hitting on my long-time boyfriend's mom was a good idea. FML

Quite the catch

Today, I already felt like shit for no reason, only to find out my boyfriend been drinking again, even though he knows it worries me. He lives two hours away and I don't have a car. Apparently he's had two bottles of vodka, and he started getting nasty over the phone with me. FML

Dealbreaker

Today, I'm preparing to go through my second divorce, all because I don't want kids. Both of them agreed to no kids when we were dating, then changed their minds. FML

Act three, scene one

Today, I was performing in a community theater production. Right before my big scene, I felt a sneeze coming on. I tried to hold it in, but it came out with such force that I lost my balance, fell off the stage, and landed in the lap of the mayor, who was in the front row. My character’s dramatic entrance was unforgettable for all the wrong reasons. FML

Grab it while you can

Today, I had a blind date with someone who asked me for an evening out back on Valentine's Day. I was happy to have a date related to a special day. The catch: my date is a woman I know from work who has a crush on me. Should I feel good I agreed to time with another woman, or bad that it's my only date in 3 years? FML

Control

Today, I moved out of my parents' house and started living alone. All of a sudden, my parents started requiring me to text or call them every 5 minutes to tell them where I am and what I'm doing, from 6am to 12am every day. If I don't, they will go looking for me, and force me to move back in with them. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My grandma posted about it on her Facebook wall, but people got confused and thought it was her birthday instead. She got twice as many birthday wishes as I did, and that's including the ones I got outside of Facebook. FML

Ratatouille

Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML

Entitled to personal attacks

Today, I was told that I was an “entitled snowflake.” I'd mentioned that after 5+ years of cancer treatment and over a dozen surgeries, I still have some physical limitations. I literally almost died but still managed to finish school and change careers, but yeah, I’m entitled. FML