The Top · The all-time greatest FMLs

Close to you

Today, my boyfriend was complaining about his kids being hard to handle. He repeatedly said the other day that if he had a woman to help then maybe it wouldn’t be so hard. I don’t really know how to take that, since I’ve said multiple times I’m willing to meet them. I feel like I’m too close, too soon. FML

It's still out there

Today, I got tons of sympathy (and hugs) from my co-workers after intense sneezing and coughing due to my "seasonal allergies." When I got home, my SO asked if allergies are contagious, because he had them too. He didn't have allergies. We have Covid. And so do most of my co-workers now. I suck! FML

Heftychonker

Today, my girlfriend's cat adores me. I can't sit down without her jumping on my lap and purring. The cat is also overweight, with very sharp claws, and likes to knead on my legs. My legs look like I lost a fight with a thorn bush. FML

Be curious, you never know…

Today, I was wondering if I might be bi, so I hopped on Grindr and met up with a cute guy to experiment with. It ended up being so awful that I decided nope, definitely not bi. Unfortunately now he won't leave me alone, even after I told him that I made a mistake and I'm not interested. FML

Barf

Today, I threw up during sex. FML

No joke

Today, I was at a local restaurant. When I went to pay my bill, one of the owners jokingly said, "Are you here to apply for a job?" Since I've been unemployed for a while and trying to find work, I said, "What would you like me to do?" She replied, "That was a rhetorical question." I knew it. FML

Atomic family

Today, I found out that my dad and mom, who just passed away, were never married and that my siblings and I weren't actually his. Now there's the very real possibility that we could be taken away. I'll die if that happens. FML

Karma

Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of a conversation with my best friend, where we were making fun of my mum’s new haircut, to my mum. She responded with, “Well, at least my haircut can change. What are you going to do about your face?” FML

Sparkles 4 U

Today, in addition to no smoking and no pets, I now have to add NO FUCKING GLITTER to my Airbnb listing. The last fuckers left my place sparkling like a gang of fairies had an orgy in every goddamn room. FML

Nice try

Today, after spending days writing up an offer for a condo so my boyfriend and I could move in together with our 9-month-old, we found out they accepted a different offer. FML

Restore device

Today, I woke up to find out that my phone, which contained all of my pictures and videos from the past year, had completely crashed. Despite trying everything, I couldn't recover any of the data, even from the cloud backup. All those memories, gone forever. FML

I guess that's a "NO!" then?

Today, I thought it would be romantic to propose to my girlfriend during halftime at a local football game. I arranged everything with the stadium staff. When the moment came, I got down on one knee, only for her to hiss, "Are you serious? Right here?" She ran off, leaving me kneeling in front of hundreds of people. FML

Damn council!

Today, I bought my house specifically because it has a long driveway for my work van, but the council just decided to install a raised kerb pedestrian crossing with bollards while I was at work. There is now no way at all to swing my van wide enough to get it onto my driveway. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, I finally caught the person who has now and again been stealing my lunch at work for weeks. It was my boss. I awkwardly watched him eat my sandwich while he talked about how he's been "saving money by bringing food from home." FML

Pancake day

Today, I burnt my finger making pancakes for my kid. After hopping around and running the blister under cold water, I went back to finish making the pancakes and burned the same finger right on top of the new blister. An hour later it burst and the flesh is a funny colour underneath. FML

Craft beer bores

Today, just before bed, I decided to put away the dry washing. I ended up knocking over my boyfriend's precious brewing ginger beer. It took me an hour to clean it off the floor, cupboards, door, outside and inside of the fridge. Everything is still sticky and smells of yeast. FML

They tried to make me go to rehab…

Today, I was dating a guy for 5 years, and I thought he was my soulmate. Until he stole more than 60K from me and he's 400k in debt. He has a serious gambling addiction and his probably never going to stop. FML

Boundaries

Today, my son climbed into our bed because he'd had a nightmare. He and my wife spent hours whispering and giggling like they were at a slumber party. Cute, until the next morning, when they were both tired, grumpy, and uncooperative. FML

Modern life is rubbish

Today, I locked myself out of my apartment. But it’s 2024, so I have a smart lock I can unlock through an app on my phone. Except I also left my phone inside. The worst part? I had to ask my neighbor to call my mom so she could unlock my apartment from her phone. FML

Never a dull moment

Today, I’m a nurse on a night shift and I finally got a quiet moment to eat. I heated my meal, sat down, and took one bite before my pager went off. By the time I got back 40 minutes later, someone had “cleaned up” the break room and thrown my untouched dinner away. I ate crackers from a vending machine at 3 a.m. FML

Today, I found a topless photo of my mother on my phone. Thanks, iCloud. FML

Good things come in threes

Today, after I fell over and fractured my knee, I've been in hospital for a week. I now have a metal plate in my knee, and am due to be off work for months, I wouldn't mind as much if I hadn't been hit by a car two years ago, spent a week in hospital for a fractured vertebrae, and was off work for months. FML

Butt of the joke

Today, my girlfriend screamed at me for "disciplining" her son, saying, "You're not his father!" I've lived with them for two years, supporting them, while his real father is off shooting up heroin, but sure, I'm out of line for telling the little brat that I don't like being called "Butt-crack." FML

Bang bang bank

Today, I learned that you should never take a girl you meet at the club home, even if she looks like she wouldn’t hurt a fly. We had the most amazing sex ever and I guess the edibles we had threw me off-guard. I woke up to find her gone and my house cleaned out. I didn’t even get her name. FML

Keep your eyes on the prize

Today, I went to Target with my girlfriend. As we were walking in, I saw a girl in a crop top and leggings walk by us. I instinctively turned my head to look so I could get her rear view. Not only was she flat as a board from the back, my now-ex noticed, broke up with me, and ordered a Uber home. FML

The Blob

Today, I cracked an egg which turned out to have an extremely thin shell, so at first contact with the bowl, it came apart in my hand and the contents glooped right through my fingers, all the way down the kitchen cabinet, into a half-open drawer, as well as onto the floor and underneath the cabinet. FML

Paranoid

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after we played the "Which celebrity would you sleep with?” game. He decided that since all my answers were guys who looked nothing like him, that I must secretly find him unattractive. Oh and that I would cheat with any of those guys if given the opportunity. FML

Lemon

Today, I’ve realized I have paid $1700 on repairs for a vehicle that I’ve only have had for six months. I traded in my previous vehicle to avoid this problem. FML

Today, I saw what my mom handed out for trick-or-treaters last night. Toothbrushes. Yup, we're that house. FML

Today, while I was shopping at a store with my friend, I noticed a cute girl smiling at us. My friend said, "She's all yours," and walked away. When I approached her, she asked me if my friend was single. FML