Today, I bumped into a former teacher, one who spent many many weeks helping me get into university so I could become a psychologist. I had to see the look of disappointment on her face when I told her I got pregnant freshman year, and became a stay at home mom with a part time job at Tesco’s. FML
Today, I've been blessed with a great girlfriend who initiates sex often, but then during the act just lays there looking uninterested while I do all the work. Looking at her bored expression makes me lose all the fun. FML
Today, I cooked dinner for my boyfriend, hoping to impress him with my culinary skills. I burnt the garlic bread, overcooked the chicken, and managed to set off the smoke alarm three times. When I finally served the meal, my boyfriend said, "It's like a sad buffet at a middle school prom." FML
Today, trying to be nice, I added this really shy kid from my English class on Facebook. Within minutes, he started going through all my pictures and tagging himself as my breasts. FML
Today, I came home from a work trip, expecting the house to be a wreck. Imagine my shock when I walked in and it was cleaner than I've ever seen. When I sputtered in surprise, my fiance shrugged and said, "I work better alone." Guess I'm just a fucking hindrance, then. FML
Today, while I was lying in bed in a hospital gown, a nurse came to check my vitals. I wasn't wearing any underwear and unbeknownst to me the bottom of my gown had been pulled up. My nurse laughed her head off while pointing this out to me as I covered myself, mortified after accidentally flashing her with my tiny dick. FML
Today, I had a haircut booked for 5 p.m. and arrived ten minutes early. The salon was closed, so I checked the confirmation text. I'd booked it for 5 p.m. but on the previous day. I ended up going home with the same shite haircut I'd been trying to fix. FML
Today, my boss called me a liar and untrustworthy. Why? Yesterday I went home to grieve, after finding out my father figure is in hospice, but because he's just in hospice and not actually dead yet, that somehow means I lied about his death to get a day off work. What? FML
Today, an arm fell off my only glasses. Problem is I can’t fix it, since I can barely see without actually wearing them. Tomorrow, I’ll be getting around with one-armed glasses until I find someone who isn’t half blind and can tighten a tiny screw. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at his own sister's funeral. Not only did I say no, but I'm seriously rethinking our relationship. FML
Today, I accidentally called my kickboxing trainer "Dad." I'm 27. FML
Today, I woke up to find "GO HOME N***AS" written on my house. After filing a police report, crying with fear, and looking into the fastest way to sell my house, my 14 year-old daughter let it slip that she wrote it to "get popular." FML
Today, I got a letter from the IRS informing me that I owed a debt of $80 dollars from 4 years ago, and that it has now grown to over $800 dollars, and it's due this month. FML
Today, I put up lost dog signs and even posted a Facebook post regarding my lost dog. I keep getting “Restricted” calls taunting me, saying they found my dog and are not giving her back. I’m unable to trace the calls and this is making me more upset and frustrated. FML
Today, I had to give a speech at my sister’s wedding. I spent weeks preparing every word. When it was finally my turn, I stood up to the microphone and froze. Instead of something like, "Congratulations, I’m so happy for you both," I mixed up whatever jokes I'd prepared in my brain, and blurted out, “I’m in love with your husband.” FML
Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML
Today, I tried to pet my cat. By doing so, I accidentally shocked her with the static electricity in my fingers, and she slashed my face in retaliation. FML
Today, after a year or more of suffering with wisdom tooth pain, I finally had all 4 removed a few days ago. Relief? No. I’m in more pain now than I’ve ever been, and I can’t even eat for comfort. FML
Today, I was in a video call with my boss when my Wi-Fi decided to take a vacation. I thought I could salvage the situation by using my iPhone’s hotspot. But then my phone ran out of data mid-sentence, and my boss got a glimpse of me cursing at my phone while frantically waving it in the air. FML
Today, I went to a self-checkout kiosk and it asked if I wanted to tip. For what? Watching myself scan groceries? I still ended up tipping 10% because I panicked. FML
Today, as I was driving home after work, it was already dark. Some person in all black clothing came out of nowhere and jumped on my hood. It was the crazy ex I’ve been avoiding for 3 years. Of course, he said I hit him on purpose for revenge. Funny seeing how I moved towns over to get away from him. FML
Today, I arrived at the airport with time to spare, only to realize in the middle of security checks that I'd left my phone in the Uber that got me there. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and despite getting my phone back in time to board, I can't enjoy my trip because I'm obsessing over this trivial mistake. FML
Today, sleep-deprived and thinking I tolerated my low dose of diabetes medication Metformin well, I upped my dose like the bottle said to. My asshole has yet to forgive me. FML
Today, I got tackled by a bouncer in a club and handed to police for spiking my date's drink. It was an ice cube. I'd asked the barman for some ice cubes, which I put in both my drink and hers, and someone assumed I was slipping her a roofie and reported me. FML
Today, I realized some of my English students have just been going to their Philosophy professor to help them complete their essays. FML
Today, I asked my 10 year-old guitar student why Good Friday is a holiday. He answered, "We remember Jesus Christ's crucifixion. Isn't it sad to kind of celebrate someone's death? Well, I don't care, I just enjoy the free holiday and I don't believe in magic anyway!" FML
Today, I thought I'd start my day bright and positive but then people around me started blaming me for almost anything that's not going well for them, like missing pictures, dirty house, and even stains in the kitchen but I don't have anything to do with any of it. FML
Today, I gave a presentation. My teacher deducted points because I "need to learn how to speak more confidently, because you often stumble over your words." I have a stutter. FML
Today, my dad is fighting for his life after a pancreatic cancer diagnosis and a life threatening surgery. I work full time and I visit him when I can, knowing we’re on borrowed time. I come home emotional exhausted and drained, only to be met with a nagging wife that says I’m not prioritizing her or the kids. FML
Today, my parents decided to go on a diet. This would be perfectly fine if they didn’t insist I go on one too. I weigh less than 90 pounds and am underweight for my height. FML
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