Today, I was cooking dinner when my smoke alarm started beeping. I opened the windows, turned on the fan, and checked everything twice. I then realized the noise wasn't the smoke alarm. It was my oven timer. I'd been cooking completely normally and panicking for no reason. FML
Today, at work, our team started a new sales strategy of selling flowers to men by asking them to buy one for their lovely ladies. The first guy I ask ends up crying and telling me his wife passed away a week ago. The woman with him was actually his sister. FML
Today, I finally told my mom that it hurts me every time she calls me fat. She got offended that I'm offended. Now our whole entire extended family wants me to say sorry to her and them, because apparently they also call me fat behind my back. I'm a size small by the way. FML
Today, I wore press on nails and I work in a very professional setting where my hands are 24/7 visible to our clients. I've had multiple nails go flying off at various inappropriate times and my nail glue has been my BFF for 2 weeks. I had to go buy another nail glue bottle to make it through my second week. FML
Today, I got overly excited because someone texted me, but then realized that moments before, I had sent myself a message. FML
Today, my husband warned me we had a yellowjacket swarm move into our basement. He wasn't kidding. I'm phobic after I was swarmed as a kid, I'm watching our bug zapper literally smoke with how many it's killing, and my can of wasp spray seems woefully insufficient. They can have the house! FML
Today, I'm currently in a relationship, but he acts like a child. My boss has been trying for over a year to get my attention, and I've ignored his advances this whole time, but now I think that I've caught feelings for him. I'm torn between a man child and my boss who makes me submissive. What is wrong with me? FML
Today, I was doing an online live exam with the camera on when the power suddenly went out. FML
Today, my husband discovered our neighbour's fence was over our property line by 6 feet and kicked up a fuss about moving the fence. It turns out my husband can’t measure for shit. The fence is actually inside the neighbour's property, and he insisted we move it. There is now no room to park my car. FML
Today, I looked at house listings, found my parents' home, empty and repainted. I hope they're OK. No calls. I'd been gone for months, ill, weak, and struggling to recover. They knew this. They threw away life memories, my body of work, new clothing and supplies for when I got back on my feet, and more. Gutted. FML
Today, I'd tried to do my makeup in a natural way for my high school graduation. I don't have much experience, but I went for it anyway. Now, looking at the photos, I can see how fucking orange I looked at the party. FML
Today, I’m being kept awake in the middle of the night trying to distract myself with trashy TV as my entire foot radiates with pain. The surgery was a week ago. FML
Today, I met my SO's best friend for the first time. He gave us both a big smile and hug, and congratulated us on the pregnancy. Except… I'm just overweight, not pregnant. The entire two hour drive to his house was spent with me trying to hold back tears, and a very awkward silence between them. FML
Today, I bought a birthday card, wrote a long message, then sealed the envelope. At the party, I handed it over and immediately noticed the name on the front. I'd bought two cards at the same time and given her the one meant for someone else, my secret crush. I fled as soon as I could. FML
Today, the guy I was talking to told me to lose his number. We'd added each other on Instagram today and apparently he saw my reposts grid and doesn’t appreciate my “libtard reposts.” FML
Today, I realised that despite having a full-time job I must really be failing at this adulting business, because I called my dad and the first words out of his mouth were, "I’m not sending you any more money." I do borrow money a lot, and yes I was about to ask for more. What the hell is wrong with me? FML
Today, I lied to my father. I told him I got money yesterday. In fact, I just got fired yesterday. I kept a really happy jolly voice when I spoke to him on the phone. FML
Today, I spilled a bottle of honey on the floor while preparing breakfast. As I frantically tried to clean it up, my cat deemed it the perfect opportunity to slide and pad through the sticky mess like a slip-n-slide. Now, I have a honey-coated cat, a ruined floor, and a sticky mess to clean up before my roommates get home. FML
Today, my baby goat was diagnosed with a liver shunt. There is no treatment, not even reasonable palliative care. She will be euthanized tomorrow and a necropsy will be performed to make sure. Her sire can no longer be used for breeding, either. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my neighbour if she'd like to get coffee sometime. She smiled and said she'd love to. We picked a day, and I went home feeling great. Later, she texted to ask if I could also feed her cat while she was away that week. FML
Today, after an argument over my timekeeping, my boyfriend bet me that I was incapable of being ready to leave the house by 6:30 to get our theatre seats. It got to 6:35 and I was rushing to tie my shoes while doing my lipstick when I heard him put the car in gear and drive off without me. FML
Today, I was arguing with my fiancée, having the same argument I had with my ex wife. “Why should I get off early for the kids?”, “Why can’t you do it?” Because I’d forfeit $200 per day. FML
Today, I found out that my fiance has been cheating on me. We have an 8 month-old baby together. I've been trying to help him get sober again and have done my best to be a great partner, but apparently some other girl is more important than the family he was creating. FML
Today, I woke up again from another nightmare about my university's hazing fallout. Every time I see their faces in these dreams, I remember how they got away with everything, including trying to end us as they searched for the first year snitch. FML
Today, after discussing all the things our 4 year-old does for attention, I asked my partner what I could do to get some attention from him His response? “You get enough attention from the baby.” FML
Today, my disowned son begged that he wanted to reconcile but I said no way, so he proceeded to blast me on social media. He conveniently left out the part where he slept with my now ex-wife, his stepmother, which is why I disowned his ass. FML
Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML
Today, I threw an event with my colleague that completely flopped. At the end, my colleague invited the few people who showed up to take as much candy as they wanted from the gift bags I paid for and assembled myself. My colleague contributed neither the money, nor the effort to put them together. FML
Today, as a teacher, I saw a younger boy kick an older boy in the crotch and I reported it in our online system. Despite typical consequences for violence (automatic suspension), the department head, a drinking buddy of the boy's parents, gave him only a single detention. Now, the department head is harassing me for reporting the incident. FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed with his grandmother’s ring in front of a huge crowd of all our friends. It might have been romantic if he hadn’t stolen the ring from his parents' safe and if we weren’t juniors in high school. Now everyone thinks I’m a huge bitch for saying no in front of everyone. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
