Today, after my first day at work at a local daycare, I found out that I'm not entitled to breaks because I'm the only worker there who doesn't smoke. My boss asked me, ''What do you need a break for?'' FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend flowers. All she managed to do was to say, "It’s been a year since you brought me flowers." FML
Today, I've got so many pimples in my face, I could actually fill a bucket with my own pus. I'm 25. FML
Today, I found out that the owner of my workplace hasn't been paying any of the bills and that all 10 people on my crew and I will be losing our jobs in a matter of days. FML
Today, I was absolutely busting to poop, so badly that I began to sweat. This was while I was sitting a medical exam, and had to write in depth about the mechanical and chemical process of digestion. FML
Today, I felt comfortable enough to finally call my stepmom "Mom." She politely asked me not to call her that. FML
Today, I sent a text to the girl I've been getting to know online, text which was meant for my best friend. It was a screenshot of my her Instagram page with the caption, "I can't believe I'm actually going to talk to her today." FML
Today, my girlfriend received a scam email about her great uncle dying and leaving her money. She not only believed it, but she also used my credit card details for it. FML
Today, I was running the drive-thru window at work, when a man pulled up with his dog in the seat next to him. As he was counting out his change, the dog leaned over his hand and drooled all over it. Not only did he pay exclusively in coins, those coins were slimy from dog drool. FML
Today, my screw-up brother turned up at my house, expecting to move in rent free. Apparently, mom kicked him out and sent him to me. He's a freeloading demon, who's almost impossible to get rid of, so I told him to get lost and locked my door. Now my mom calls every 5 minutes to call me a selfish asshole. FML
Today, I met Tim Duncan out in public. I went up to him to confirm that it was him and he confirmed it. Instead of asking for a picture or autograph, I said, "Well, it was nice meeting you!" and walked backed to my car as he drove off. FML
Today, I overheard my ripped, handsome, genetically perfect brother telling my mom how "fat people" make him "nervous". I have only recently accepted my weight, after struggling for years. I now understand why my brother rarely talks to me. FML
Today, I took my first yoga class ever. Everything was going fine until it was time to stand up from the floor. My knees made a sound like snapping wood, my balance disappeared, and I nearly took out the lady next to me while trying to recover. She helped me up like I was part of her family. FML
Today, my flatmate was once again passive aggressive and angry at me, despite being sweet and pleasant to everyone else. My crime? Putting a baking tray in the dishwasher without scrubbing it first. FML
Today, I found out that the reason my husband has been coming home late isn’t because of extra work. It’s because he joined a bowling league... and didn’t want me on the team. FML
Today, I realized that 95% of my Facebook friends added me only because they think my sisters are hot. FML
Today, while getting ready for work, I realized that all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work, I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale, which confirmed that I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML
Today, like every other day, if you are sick before or during work, you immediately get sent to get COVID tested. I don’t think my sickening pregnancy hormones need COVID testing, just fresh air away from my coworker who has sulfur running through his ass. FML
Today, I was informed that the company I work for has been taken over by the previous company I worked for. I left that company with a burn-out, after years of 60-75 hour weeks, so I'll soon be working for them again in the exact same department I so happily left behind last year. FML
Today, I got home late after a long day at work and all I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. As soon as the water in the shower was hot, I got in. One minute, I was standing and the next I was fast asleep at the bottom of the tub. I woke up with my face swollen and my shoulder bruised. FML
Today, I was on webcam with someone and the conversation died so I said "brb". I sat there for five minutes not realising I had left my webcam on. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I was "letting myself go". When I told the little girl I babysit in the afternoons why I was so upset, she looked at me for a moment before saying, "Well, I definitely can't blame him." FML
Today, I weighed myself for the first time in a while and confirmed that I have put on a few pounds. I was feeling a bit down about it. I went to work and on arriving a workmate I hadn't seen in a while gave me a hug. She said, "I love hugging you, you're so nice and squishy." FML
Today, as I was hanging washing out in the sun, a huge cicada flew into my face and somehow got behind my glasses. I screamed and ripped them off and ran away. I came back to a broken pair of VERY expensive glasses. FML
Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML
Today, I realized there are only three things keeping me from committing suicide: My pets, my fictional comfort character, and the knowledge that if I failed, I’d not only be institutionalized, but be kicked out of my very Catholic high school. FML
Today, it's been 3 days since my 95 year-old grandfather got a Vital Call (a big red button to call someone in an emergency). As I live close by, I'm one of the main contacts. I've been called over 6 times, most recently at 1:30 a.m. because he couldn't pull his pants up. He needs to be in a nursing home. FML
Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML
Today, I got hit and totaled my new car, on my way to get married, with my fiancé and kids in the car. FML
Today, my incredibly needy rescue cat - who knows she doesn't get to go into my bedroom at night - decided that she needed to wail and scratch the bedroom door from midnight until 5 a.m. Now that I'm awake, she's ignoring me because she knows I'm mad at her. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
