Today, my mother offered me some chocolate milk. I took a few gulps before I realized the label said it was raw unpasteurized milk. When I pointed this out to my mother, she asked me what pasteurization is. We might get sick because my mother is the most horrifically ignorant and out-of-touch person on earth. FML
Today, I was in music class and I was reaching for the pen I'd dropped, I tilted myself, gripping my left hand on the table, and the person beside me pulled my arm for some reason, and my face fell into their lap. Right on the crotch. It reeked of sweat. FML
Today, my senile mother escaped the house and wandered off as the sun was setting. Frantic, I told my husband I would call the police. He tried to convince me to wait, and couldn't conceal his excitement. I know she's not the easiest to live with, but that really hurt. FML
Today, I started my new job. I went to microwave food, only to discover roaches and ants crawling out of it. Now I am grossed out but still hungry. FML
Today, a customer got pissed off and called me a "libtard" simply because I admitted that I had absolutely no clue who Charlie Kirk was, but I'm the one in trouble for telling him to GTFO because I don't take crap from people. FML
Today, I'd booked a table at a restaurant for my parents’ anniversary but when we arrived, the staff couldn’t find the reservation. I checked my confirmation email and realized I’d booked it for the following evening. We did find a less classy restaurant nearby, but can't get my deposit back from the other place. FML
Today, I learned my ex-girlfriend has been going around to all of my friends and telling them that I wanted to fuck dead people. No wonder nobody has been talking to me for the past 3 months. FML
Today, I put my laundry into the machine before work and came home eight hours later. The clothes were still sitting there, completely dry. I'd forgotten to turn the machine on. Somehow that felt worse than forgetting the laundry altogether. FML
Today, I was making dinner when the smoke alarm started going off. I opened all the windows and stood there waving a towel at it like an idiot. Then I realized that the alarm was coming from the apartment next door. FML
Today, my boys fight a lot, and I watched as one of them revealed he bought a frigging knight's shield to protect himself, so his brother punched the shield, which flew backwards, hit him in the mouth and broke a tooth. I could not make this up if I tried. JUST GET ALONG ALREADY! FML
Today, because of alopecia, I'm bald with no beard, but during sex my wife said that I’m finally showing my age. When I asked what she was on about, she yanked a hair out of my ballsack and said, “Look, your first grey hair!” She thought it was hilarious. FML
Today, while still on a month of bed rest from a recent surgery, I started developing a fever from a booster shot. FML
Today, I brought my new girlfriend home for dinner. My mom was being unusually quiet, so I thought she was trying to be polite. After dinner, she pulled me aside and asked why I'd never mentioned that my girlfriend had dated my brother. Apparently everyone knew except me. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that my girlfriend has been banging half the cast we made friends with at the traveling renaissance festival. I thought they were just being nice by gifting us season passes and random activities. I guess she was paying them in other ways. FML
Today, I was watching a Facebook reel of this guy who tried to kill a giant spider with a shoe. All of a sudden the spider disappeared, then came running up his arm towards me so fast it spooked the fuck outta me and I threw my phone hard as hell down the stairs! The worst part is I’m sure he knew that was gonna happen. FML
Today, I left a career doing the work of three people after I asked for an appropriate raise in salary was denied. Now I want to go back to work after a year but I get nothing but rejection emails. I’ve aged myself out. FML
Today, the guy I’ve been seeing for a couple of months told me he’s now comfortable enough to let me meet his son. His two week-old son to be exact. Call me crazy but I think a pregnant ex is something a person should be told about. FML
Today, I dropped my keys down the gap between the train platform and the wall. I stood there feeling awful until a station employee came over with a long grabber. He picked them up in about ten seconds. I'd spent twenty minutes panicking for nothing. FML
Today, when my wife is ovulating, she is wild, horny, and nearly insatiable. So of course for the last four months, our work schedules have overlapped to give us absolutely no free time together during that magical week. I just got my next few weeks of schedule… and make that five months! FML
Today, I got home and noticed my kitchen light was on. I was annoyed because I'd definitely switched it off that morning. Then I noticed that I'd left the curtains open. The sun was shining directly through the window onto the wall. I'd spent five minutes investigating sunlight. FML
Today, I learned that I may have lung cancer. I've never smoked a day in my life but it could be from secondhand smoke exposure from all the years of my mom smoking around me. FML
Today, I got the craziest DM ever: A woman rambled on for several paragraphs, stating that it’s my fault she and her husband can’t conceive because years ago I “stole” his virginity and introduced a life of “sin” that’s now being taken out on her. FML
Today, I watched four episodes of Frasier at my mom’s house and now my algorithm is all Frasier facts and memes. FML
Today, I learned first hand the pleasure of having a stoma bag with severe diarrhoea from food poisoning. The bag can only safely hold 300ml before it needs changing, and I’ve changed it 6 times today. I only get 60 bags a month from the NHS, and at this rate I’ll run out in 5 days. FML
Today, I spent the afternoon painting my bedroom and was really pleased with how it turned out. When I moved the furniture back, I noticed a large patch behind the wardrobe I'd missed. The paint shop had closed, and I had no idea which shade I'd used. FML
Today, I lost my job as a pre-school teacher. The school had to shut down and may be facing legal issues. Our head teacher's super spoiled bully of a son (who sided with him), harshly picked on and hurt a girl classmate, who happened to be the only granddaughter of the school's greatest benefactor, who's greatly wealthy. FML
Today, I learned that my decades long health issue is… ME/CFS. Am I shocked? Nope, been trying to convince the doctors that this wasn’t mental health related for decades. I also found out I’ve been living with low blood flow and oxygen to the brain due to this hell. My family still doesn’t believe any of this is real. FML
Today, while I was raking leaves, the rake head broke off the handle. My psychotic mother snatched the handle from my hands, screamed that the rake "worked ten times harder than me", and beat me with the handle. FML
Today, I was walking past the drive thru window at my job when I heard someone whistle at me. I whipped around and snapped at the customer, “Did you just whistle at me?” Turns out my new coworker has a tic where she whistles, and she was standing a few feet away. I accused an innocent customer of catcalling me. FML
Today, I was cleaning my apartment when I found a €20 note underneath the sofa cushion. I was pretty happy until I remembered I'd lost €20 a few days earlier and spent an hour looking for it. I'd finally found my own money and felt lucky about it. FML
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