Today, while I was cooking a cauliflower soup, I wanted to make sure my cat didn't lick my serving spoon, so I put some bergamot extract in the bowl where it was laying. I then proceeded to pour the soup into the bowl. Let's hope my bergamot extract is the edible variety. FML
Today, I caught my husband peeing into the bath. His excuse was that he was simply too tired to pay enough attention to aim properly into the toilet bowl, this way he could just undo his zip, piss without even opening his eyes, then go to bed. I married a wild animal. FML
Today, my neighbors heard me when I was yelling to an AI model for not following instructions. FML
Today, during the night I caught a burglar in the front room so I fought and threw him out. Most wives would be happy they were saved and nothing got stolen, might want to hug their husbands, maybe give them a little loving. Mine yelled at me for waking her up and scratching the walls. FML
Today, I was making dinner when my smoke alarm started going off. I opened all the windows and waved a towel underneath it. After ten minutes, I realized the alarm wasn't reacting to the food. Its battery was dying. FML
Today, I finally had lunch alone with the girl I like. It wasn't bad, but we had a few awkward silences. Still, I got home feeling proud that I’d actually managed to get some one-on-one time with her. But a little while later, my sister pointed out that I’d had a piece of lettuce stuck in my teeth the entire time. FML
Today, after me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago, I found out he had a new girlfriend, but he was repetitively trying to get back into contact with me to rub it in my face. Then his mum died and she blocked him, so he came running back. FML
Today, hours before sleep, I'd thought I'd enjoy eating 4, yes 4, pieces of Millionaire's Shortbread. I now have a sugar rush, can't sleep, and I feel sick. FML
Today, my boyfriend made me cut a hole into the crotch of my pants so that he could discreetly fuck me in the room next to his mother's. FML
Today, my wife had to pay double on a rental car than the one I had reserved because of a "credit issue" nobody was able to give me details on. I couldn't get the car because my card wouldn't insert or swipe properly. I spent an hour trying to get to the bottom of it. FML
Today, I introduced my mom to my friend who performed the Heimlich maneuver on me when I was choking. She proceeded to loudly berate and chew him out, saying that he should have gotten an adult and could have hurt me. Now he won't talk to me and I'm grounded for calling her a cunt. FML
Today, I paid for NASCAR tickets for my husband, because it was something on his bucket list. I wanted to do something nice for him. Every time I tell him something he does that bothers me though, his comeback is, "Sorry I’m not perfect, maybe I should just kill myself and you can have all the money." FML
Today, a creep called me out in the street and asked me why I was in that part of that street, because he "knows " I live in another part of the street, and he found it "odd" that I was there. He was smiling all that time too. FML
Today, after I asked a girl out on her birthday and she said yes, I went to her place early in the next morning to give her her favorite bagels. I went to her room to surprise her after her roommate let me in, only to see her blowing some dude's candle, if you know what I mean. I don't thing I'll be taking her out. FML
Today, I thought I'd try to play Marvel Rivals, but my anxiety over having to interact with other people got so bad I panicked and never made it past the main menu. I really wanted to make friends or something. FML
Today, it's the end of hard month: renovations, on top of kids' vacation, on top of cancelled camps, on top of cat with diarrhea. The thing waiting for me this weekend is the work assignment my boss gave me an hour before business closed on Friday, and wrapping up contractors shoddy work. FML
Today, I had a big fight with my husband. We'd made a plan for our vacation and I stuck to the plan. He screamed at me for sticking to the plan. When I pointed out that he made the plan, he shouted at me some more because I'd "spoiled the vacation." Later, he asked if I was hungry. No apology. No acknowledgement. FML
Today, I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription and waited in line for fifteen minutes. When I got to the counter, the pharmacist couldn't find my name anywhere. I checked my phone and realized I'd gone to the wrong branch. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with Bell's palsy. I have exams tomorrow and I have interviews for residency coming up. Sadly, the left half of my face will not work for another two months. FML
Today, I offered to drive my friends to the airport because their taxi was expensive. We left early and arrived with plenty of time. Then I realized I’d parked in the short-stay car park. I paid more for parking than I would have paid for a taxi. FML
Today, I shaved my armpit hair. After growing it for so long, it's gone. FML
Today, I ran into my middle school crush in college. He said he found my public art account and saw my drawings from middle school on there. Except I made that account in high school and the drawings on there are all recent. FML
Today, I got so distracted by trying to keep my cat from sticking her nose in the open oven door, that I grabbed the hot pan without an oven mitt. Now I can’t use my right hand. My cat’s nose is fine, though. FML
Today, my mom opens at McDonald's, and I go with her to chill before walking to the bus stop. The lobby was closed. I had to shit so bad, I was knocking on the door, and usually they let me in, but nobody noticed. I had to shit so incredibly bad. so… I went into the car and found an old McDonald's cup and some napkins… FML
Today, my boyfriend was arrested and might go to prison because he shot the guy who tried to kidnap his dog. FML
Today, I got dumped by the guy I was dating because he wanted children and I'm now infertile due to postpartum complications. He was the only person that wanted to date me because every other guy doesn't like the fact i have two amazing kids. FML
Today, I came down hard on the top bar of my bike, and crunched my balls. I felt sick almost immediately, and by the time I got home I was still nauseous, tender, uncomfortable, and very relieved to finally be able to rest with an ice pack. FML
Today, the plant I bought for my apartment a few weeks ago started looking worse. I'd followed the care instructions carefully, so I asked my neighbor for advice. She pointed out that the plastic pot was still inside the decorative pot, so the water had nowhere to drain. FML
Today, I had my first ever mega brain fart. I was watching videos on YouTube when I noticed strange music playing. I paused the video and the music played on. When I turned the app off, I realized the music was coming from the TV, which I had on at the same time in case ads came up. FML
Today, after nearly three weeks of gastritis, my stomach has finally calmed down and I'm no longer feeling sick all day. Also today I woke up with a debilitating migraine and I can't function without taking pain medication. Guess how my stomach likes that… FML
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