Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML
Today, I was told by step-dad, who I live with, that my mom "hates my guts" while smiling so big, because he got a call from her. He's so desperate for her to come back that all the lying, cheating, manipulation, and emotional abuse doesn't push him away. She's a tornado. FML
Today, I got a new name, which is “We” apparently. My supervisor keeps admonishing me about details, saying, “WE don’t do that” and, “WE make sure to do this”, while she herself simply does anything she pleases, including the opposite of what she tells me “we do”. FML
Today, I tried to seduce the girl I like by telling a joke. It turns out my delivery was so bad that she asked if I was auditioning for a new version of "The Room." FML
Today, my daughter tried to argue with me that Scandinavia isn’t a real place. She’s 17. FML
Today, I went to the movies and accidentally walked into the wrong theater. I sat through an entire horror film, thinking it was supposed to be a rom-com. I kept waiting for the romantic twist. It never came. Satanic haunted dolls or whatever they were did, though. FML
Today, my pregnant wife has been crying for hours after she found out that I’d slept with the woman who does her ultrasounds. That woman happened to have been my prom date nearly 20 years ago and I had no idea she moved back in town, let alone worked for our doctor. FML
Today, I went to the gym to try out a new workout class. Halfway through, I realized I was in the wrong room and had accidentally joined a dance class. FML
Today, I was trying to impress a girl I like by showing off my guitar skills at a party. I'd hyped it up all night. When I finally started playing, I’d forgotten most of the chords and lyrics to the song, and ended up just strumming "Wonderwall" while humming off-key. She left halfway through the "performance." FML
Today, I finished a huge project for work. It took 3+ days and I was very proud of it. Except when I submitted it to my boss, he said that he'd already asked another person to do it. He used that person's project, not mine. FML
Today, I realized how emotional I get around my time of month when I cried because a cheese commercial was so "touching." FML
Today, my girlfriend convinced me to have sex while she’s on her period. She kept half-whispering, half-moaning weird phrases I didn’t understand. After some googling, it roughly translated to “Bound in blood. Together forever bound by blood.” I think she tried to hex me. FML
Today, while bowling on a first date, the guy I ended things with three days before was bowling too. In the lane next to ours. FML
Today, during a Zoom meeting, five out of the six attendees claimed their cameras were broken and were audio only. I get that Zoom meetings suck but come up with a better excuse than that, or just say you prefer to be audio only, Jesus. FML
We can't even give an A for effort...
Today, as yet more proof my useless son is probably going to be living with me well into his adulthood, he has now failed his driving theory test 14 times, despite me studying with him every afternoon. He also has no job, no goals, no girlfriend, and a neck tattoo. FML
Today, my best friend, who is dying of cancer, named her younger brother as next of kin for her kids. He's like 19 and knows nothing about taking care of kids. I keep begging and pleading with her that I can take the kids, and that my wife and I are capable, but she says no. Only family can have her kids. FML
Today, my sons are such idiots that they had a blazing punch-up that put both of them in hospital, all because one of them stole the last cigarette from a packet. Never mind they both have their own cigarettes, but for some reason the theft of this one cigarette was the last straw that lead to a punch up. FML
Today, my boyfriend called my mother stupid and angrily argued with her at a family dinner. Why? We have a long-running family joke that "Vegan food doesn't contain calories," and my boyfriend thought my mum said it seriously, and was therefore a moron. FML
Today, I had to reply to my boss's comments to a 50+ page document. Every second comment could be answered by, "See the sentence above/below" because apparently someone has problems with his short term memory. FML
Today, I met the most amazing man ever, we were surrounded by a bunch of pretty women, but he picked me. He was so romantic and sweet, and when we were about 2 weeks into the relationship, I wanted to introduce him to my mom, when I woke up and it was all a dream. FML
Today, I spent a full two minutes doing nothing but sniffing my computer. Don't worry, it was in the living room and my roommate definitely saw me. FML
Today, I suspected something was up when my boyfriend snuck out of bed after he thought I fell asleep. I caught him jerking to porn in the living room and got really upset. He actually got mad, saying, "I have needs and you never put out and get bitchy when I try." FML
Today, I'm off work for 4 weeks after trying to move an obese patient from their bed. The poor woman was so large that when we tried to move her the leg of the bed snapped, and her weight drove the sharp broken leg down through my foot into the carpet. Surgery and no walking for 4 weeks. Whoopee. FML
Today, wanting to surprise my boyfriend, I shaved everything "down there." When he saw the result, he burst out laughing and said I looked like a plucked chicken. FML
Today, I found out that the shampoo I’ve been using has yogurt in, following a prank my boyfriend did. Turns out he forgot about it and I’ve been using it for 5 days now. FML
Today, I heard my girlfriend refer to me as her “boyfriend for now”, as in the guy she strings along until she meets the guy she loves and wants to marry. We’ve been together for two years and rent a flat together. FML
Today, my housemate whined at me for tracking dirt into the house, saying how she shouldn't have to mop the floor after me, and that we have a doormat for a reason. She'd have a point, except I always walk barefoot indoors. FML
Today, my husband and son had their first DIY project. Less than 30 minutes later, our son’s crying in his room. Turns out my husband is just like his dad. “WHY ARE YOU STANDING DOING NOTHING? PASS ME THE THING. NOT THAT THING, THE OTHER THING. HERE, I’LL DO IT MYSELF. PAY ATTENTION, GOD DAMMIT.” FML
Today, for my birthday, my wife gave me a "day to myself", except less than 20 minutes after I woke up it was, "could I quickly drive her to an appointment?", and "can we do a quick grocery shop?", and, "the kids need this and that." At bedtime, she asked me how I’d enjoyed my day to myself, seriously. FML
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