Today, I desperately want a kid with my wife, but unfortunately I'm stuck on the hook for child support. The kid was a mistake, a pregnancy from a relationship that lasted less than two months, and unless I can get my payments reduced there's no way my wife and I can afford a kid of our own. FML
Today, my friend's phone rang in class and my teacher thought it was me, so now I have detention for a week. FML
Today, almost every girl in my contacts thinks I’m sexually unattractive, and one even said I’m "too nice.” The one girl that is sexually attracted to me only wants me for sex, and wants nothing else to do with me. FML
Today, I reprimanded my daughter for eating too many chips, since it's not good for you. She responded with, "Know what else isn't good for you? Two cigarettes a day." I couldn't even come up with a retort. I can't believe I just got burned by a ten-year-old. FML
Today, I tried to log into Instagram for the first time in 2 days. They deactivated my account for violating their guidelines. I haven't posted a picture or made a comment in months. FML
Today, I went to go soak my dentures because I fell asleep wearing them last night, only to find that my boyfriend threw away the container they were in, thinking it was trash. FML
Today, I got up and walked to college for my only class which started at 9 a.m. after a night of restless sleep. Our exam is two weeks away, so I thought it would be better to attend. Apparently, my teacher thought differently. FML
Today, I went to my husband’s work party where employees could bring a plus one. There, I met the colleague he talks so much about. She looked noticeably disappointed and said to my husband, “Wife?! You told me you were single!” We’ve been married for 7 years. FML
Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous so I, not thinking, made comments that included the words "killing", "dying" and "death". I'm a rubbish support system. FML
Today, after my aunt died and left me everything, I found my heroin addict brother searching my house, demanding his share of the money. He thought I had it in cash, so I called the cops. Now our mom is mad at me because a good brother would have given him something. FML
Today, I've eaten two pieces of fruit, three crackers, and 3.5 glasses of juice. I've also vomited 3 times and peed myself once. Can someone please tell me why I thought it would be a good idea to get pregnant again? FML
Today, I lost a second friend to QAnon conspiracy theories. Worst yet, he started messaging everyone I know on Facebook, telling them I'm a hypocrite who doesn’t “do his research.” Those who don’t now think he was my gay lover believe we were lab partners. What do I do with that? FML
Today, and for the second month in a row, my dad sent our rent money to some chick he’s been talking to, who promised 3 million if he sent dollars for bitcoin. We’re going to get evicted, and I have nowhere else to go. FML
Today, I made popcorn shrimp. My dog was being a whiner so I gave her one of the shrimp. I guess she didn't like it because she hopped right back up and spat it out on my plate. FML
Today, I had a group project on Zoom with some classmates I'm not so familiar with. When we were done and said our goodbyes, I said, "Bye bye, I love you." FML
Today, we're both sick, the heating hasn’t been working for 3 days, yet the repair company refuses to fix it because some technicality is not up to current regulations. Right on time, we’re also about to be hit by a cold spell, promising sub-zero temperatures. FML
Today, my new neighbour is totally a Karen, she has the sunglasses, the haircut and the outfits we all know so well, plus I can hear how she speaks to her husband and kids through the wall. I’m afraid to leave my house in case she introduces herself and immediately finds something to moan about. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after she found a disgusting and perverted porn site on my internet history. What was this site? Reddit. FML
Today, I tried keeping a surprise secret from my fiance. Turns out, under the influence of my sleeping tablets, which after I take them, I forget everything I've said, I spilled the beans. So much for the surprise. FML
Today, I’m at a low point. I sank low enough to ask a coworker I don’t even like for a pity shag to boost my self esteem. The sex was great, excellent even, but when he left this morning I now feel even lower because I feel cheap and nasty, and I almost had to beg for someone to have sex with me. FML
Today, I got asked, “And you are…?” by a senior colleague while in a morning meeting at work. I’ve been working here for 3 months and I've already introduced myself multiple times to them. FML
Today, I discovered that all the times my boyfriend says he's in the bathroom with horrible diarrhea, he's actually sitting there smoking crack and talking to other women. I've dedicated everything in my life to him. I feel so brokenhearted and defeated. FML
Today, my roommate sings in his room a lot. He has a horrible singing voice, but his dog trying to harmonize with him by howling at the top of its lungs makes it even more unbearable. Worst duet performance ever. And he does it every day. FML
Today, my friend fixed me up with a guy from her workplace. I'm painfully shy, so I really appreciated it and was looking forward to meeting him, since she described him as very sweet. Once the date got started, he continuously made fun of my speech impediment, until I finally left in tears. FML
Today, I took an allergy skin test and turns out I’m allergic to dogs. Three weeks ago, I adopted a new puppy to help with my depression, but within a few days I was coughing, sneezing, and having watery eyes. I’ve previously had a dog for 10 years and I was never allergic to it. I don’t wanna give the new one up. FML
Today, my wife pretended she was going to suck my knob, but then bit it so hard she drew blood. Apparently, she saw the texts from my “girlfriend”. The texts were actually from our elderly neighbour, who asked me to feed her cat while she visited her daughter. She thought “feed my cat” meant "illicit sex." FML
Today, during one of my wife’s very infrequent amorous moments, she headbutted me and split one of my front teeth in half. I now have two teeth where there used to be one, and I can see the exposed nerve in the crack. Yes, it’s as excruciating as it sounds FML
Today, the new person that I was supposed to train didn't show up for the second time in a row. They only had one session with me, and nobody is able to tell me what I'm doing wrong. This is the third time in two years. I give up. FML
Today, I messaged my two best friends for emotional support. I don't normally do this, as I feel like I'm bothering people, but I was having a breakdown. One never replied; the other said, "Everyone is having a hard time" then talked about her own problems. FML
Today, I was showing why we picked the colour in our posters and ads for my department. I used a video to explain; I hadn't watched the full video. I skipped to halfway through and there was a picture of a naked woman with starfish on her tits. Everyone kinda went silent. FML
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