Today, and since we met, my girlfriend has forced me to change my hair, clothing and jewellery, and my diet. She has changed basically everything about me. Then this morning she dumped me because I'm "not the guy she fell in love with a year ago". I'm not even upset because its too funny. FML
Today, I finally opened up to my roommates about when I came out as gay to my parents, and how I was beaten and disowned over it. One roommate saw this as the perfect time to hit on me, since he's also gay and thought I was hot, but wasn't sure if I swung that way. Glad he was so invested in me pouring my guts out. FML
Today, my daughter decided it was a good day to put a bath bomb in the aquarium so the fish could have a relaxing bath with cool pink water. She didn’t know the fish would end up being killed. She’s 16. FML
Today, the stall I was using didn't have any toilet paper in it. Being the immature idiot I am, I was too embarrassed to ask for someone to grab me some. So I waited 45 minutes for the bathroom to be empty and crept into the next stall, only to find it was also out of toilet paper. FML
Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about how much better his butt looked than mine, all while wearing my jeans. FML
Today, my ex started our conversation with, "How are you?" I asked whether this was just a way of greeting me, or if he genuinely wanted to know. He affirmed that he really wanted to know, then proceeded to talk about his work for the next two hours. FML
Today, I saw a Tesla truck in my rear-view mirror and thought, "Oh, look how cool the front looks!" Five seconds later it rear-ended me. FML
Today, I was nearly T-Boned at a stop sign by my ex-roommate. I moved 10 miles away to get away from her after her midlife crisis, and her losing the house, and now avoid her end of town. She now works outside my apartment. FML
Today, while working as a manager in a busy restaurant, I was hit in the face by a grandmother with a balloon, calling me a motherfucker, while her granddaughter chucked a salad plate into the kitchen. Why? I told them they had to leave at 10, which is currently pandemic law in my state. FML
Today, I've been dating a girl for about a year. After about 5 months, her mom kicked her out so I had her move in with me. She’s super sweet and nice, but we aren’t intellectually compatible, and have wildly different interests. My best friend is everything she isn’t. I'm starting to crush on my friend. FML
Today, I told my parents that I was planning a garden for my house. My child of a mother got upset and jealous, because, "When you were younger, you hated working outside with us." Sorry for maturing and developing new interests in the past 30 years, I guess. FML
Today, I discovered that my "life-changing" skincare routine wasn’t working because I’d been using conditioner instead of moisturizer for two weeks. My skin is greasy, and I smell like coconuts. FML
Today, my cat jumped into my lap and sat on my headphone cord. I tried to get it out from under her by pulling on it. Big mistake. My cat is now eyeing the cord and will attack it if I move it again. I have expensive headphones and the cord is not interchangeable. FML
Today, my husband won’t stop bragging about the girl with the "model cheekbones" from the airport shuttle, who kept telling her friend in French how hot he was in front of us. Miss Model was unaware that we’re from France, and my husband’s ego might never deflate. FML
Today, I’ve returned to college in my thirties because I was finally ready to commit to a program of study. Unfortunately, I have zero organizational or time management skills at this point in my life and I can’t keep up with deadlines. I waited all this time just to crash and burn. FML
Today, I went on a 50 km bike ride with a friend. We stopped for a break halfway through, and locked our bikes up. When we returned, some guy had locked his bike to mine. We had to wait an hour for him to return. FML
Today, my girlfriend was driving on a busy highway when she slammed on the brakes, causing a multi-car accident. She then ran across several lanes, almost getting smashed by a truck, because she thought she saw a dog in the road. It was already dead. Insurance is gonna be a nightmare. FML
Today, while assisting my 2 year-old with potty training, she stuck her hand in her own poop, and when I wasn't expecting it, put her fingers in my mouth. Ever wondered what a green blowout tastes like? I don't have to. FML
Today, it should have been my day off from work because I did a lot of night shifts. At 6 a.m., my boss called told me that my day off was canceled, because a coworker is ill. Now I'm sitting here on a night shift with a pinched nerve in my shoulder and a lot of pain, just because I stretched. FML
Today, after my boyfriend left me a few months ago, I'd accepted him back because I wanted to work things out. However, now the pain I had to go through is making me lose sleep, interest, and my self-respect. Ugh! FML
Today, all my coworkers are incompetent and I'm constantly fixing their mistakes. I've tried to help them to make fewer mistakes. They don't care. I've tried talking to their supervisors. They don't care either. I've been escalating matters step by step. I finally talked to the CEO about it. He doesn't care either. FML
Today, I lost a tooth and got my jaw wired shut after my toddler managed to break my jaw by whacking me with a plastic toy. Hello at least 8 weeks of being unable to talk while only eating meals that have been thoroughly blitzed into a liquid form first. FML
Today, my landlord asked me to get rid of the flower boxes I have at the window in the stairwell. Why? Because they are disgusting. Why are they disgusting? Because his cat keeps using them as a litter box. FML
Today, I got slapped by a date because she thought I was making fun of her speech impediment. I wasn't making fun, I just have the same speech impediment. FML
Today, my wife, who has been unemployed for over two years, had a $415k job offer rescinded, all because the hiring manager thinks she might be a Karen (Yes, she is). My job contract ended last month, so we have no income. FML
Today, it was my first day being home after doing a 4 and a half month hike through the Appalachian Trail. This evening, I stepped out my front door and directly onto a copperhead snake. It thought my leg was tasty, and I went to the ER for the first time in over 20+ years. FML
Today, via legal bollocks, I got nothing from my husband in the divorce, even though he cheated on me. On my wage, I can’t afford to live in this area anymore, so I have to move and quit my job to get another job wherever I end up moving. This is why people hate lawyers. FML
Today, the doctor finally gave us the OK to have sex at 37 weeks pregnant. We were going to make love that night, but she was tired so we planned for the next day. She goes for an appointment and has emergency induction. We haven't had sex since April. No sex until next year. FML
Today, while laying in bed, I let out a huge fart. I then heard my roommate yell from outside my room, "Did you think you were alone?" FML
Today, my mom broke it off with her online boyfriend. That wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact he's in the military, knows our address, and apparently is threatening to kill himself if she doesn't take him back. She tells me not to worry cause we have guns in the house, but I still don't feel safe. FML
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