Today, I got a care package for graduation. Among the stuff inside was a toolbox; I never took shop classes or showed any interest in them because of severe disability. I also got a Snickers bar; I hate peanut butter. I even got a bunch of clothes hangers; I had more than enough as it was. FML
Today, thanks to my girlfriend's goddamn habit of using the stairs as storage shelves for keys, coats, shoes, dog leads, makeup, and the fucking kitchen sink, I fell down the stairs for the third time, and broke my third bone this year, and it’s only just March. That’s one bone a month. FML
Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML
Today, it's the third day that I can't sleep. Somewhere in my room, there's a mosquito craving for my blood, and every time I'm about to fall asleep, I can hear it flying around. I'm covered in bites, even in places that barely see the daylight. FML
Today, the guy I have a crush on invited me over to his house. I was nervous and excited, until I found out that he really just wanted me to clean it. Apparently, my friends from the university told him that was my job and he believed them. FML
Today, I told my friends that I got a therapist this past week. Every single one of them told me to quit seeing the therapist, and to just talk to them and do more drugs to feel more numb. I don't think that's the right thing to do, and they're actually arguing with me over it. FML
Today, my husband told me that he and my cousin had been seeing each other for the past two months. The cousin I took in because my aunt kicked her out for dropping out of high school. I’ve clothed, fed and paid bills for this homewrecker. She’s barely 18. FML
Today, I accidentally put my passport through the washing machine. It is completely ruined, and I have had it less than 3 months. FML
supertacowaffle tells us more.
Hi, this is my FML. Basically after a 32 hour trip back from Australia (layovers, waiting round etc) the second I got home I put my jacket in the wash and it had the passport in the pocket. Complete my fault, just thought it would make a funny FML.
Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML
Today, my wife read a Facebook article about how oral sex can lead to mouth and/or throat infections, and is now avoiding all forms of sex, in case my penis happens to give her the bubonic plague. FML
Today, I found out the works council won't let the company offer me the job for which I was the only applicant because the council requires 3 years experience with the company. I've only been here for 2 years, 10 months, and 26 days. FML
Today, I called my mother to say hi. She spent a whole hour and a half complaining about how I never call her, bawling and calling me "a waste of human flesh." I call her at least once a week. FML
Today, I discovered that apparently my six-year-old daughter actually believes that the United States is the only country with advanced technology. FML
Today, I gave birth two weeks early. Everyone is telling me I should be so happy she's healthy, but all I can think is how much I did not want a Taurus baby. I wanted a Gemini baby. FML
Today, my 8-year-old son eagerly showed me a PowerPoint he made. It consisted of REALLY graphic and gory descriptions of a guy getting murdered, complete with pictures from the internet. He was laughing the whole time he was showing me this, and even set one of the images as his desktop background. FML
Today, I had the option of choosing a train or a plane to get to my destination. The train was cheaper but took 4 hours longer, so I picked the plane. My flight was delayed, so I essentially paid more to arrive later. FML
Today, I was supposed to start a new job. I had accepted a new position with a different company three weeks ago, and gave my notice. At the time, I even trained my replacement. Today, I found out that my new work doesn't need me anymore. So, I'm unemployed. FML
Today, I was accused of cheating on our math test, instantly granting me a perfect zero. How? I used the wrong formula on a problem, but ended up with the correct answer. FML
Today, I was at Goodwill and I saw my bike, which was stolen from me a couple of weeks ago. It was a gift that my mom gave me for my birthday. The bike was being sold for 65 dollars. I had to buy it. FML
Today, I think all those jokes my wife made about becoming an alcoholic during quarantine may be true. She came back from the weekly shopping today with 7 bottles of wine, a bottle of tequila and a 30-pack of beer. FML
Today, five hours into my shift, I found out that I had been given the day off. They just forgot to tell me. FML
Today, I'd been saving for months to go on a whiskey tour of Kentucky. Eight distilleries. My wife signed up for an online university. The tuition is covered. But, do you know what isn't covered? The books. The laptop. Getting internet for the house. Goodbye whiskey; hello university. FML
Today, I was notified that my work is cutting my pay almost in half. I just renewed my long-term lease on an expensive apartment because I was able to afford it before this morning. Now I have no idea how I’m going to pay for it. FML
Today, my father told all of us that he eloped with his girlfriend of two months. I'm engaged to the woman's daughter, and have been engaged since before they met, but now my family is making fun of me for marrying my "sister". FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of 7 years has been cheating on me with my friend's 18-year-old sister, took her on the vacation we planned, and will be starting with my company next week. FML
Today, I witnessed a postal worker with an important parcel stopping before knocking on my door, shrugging, getting back in his van, and driving away. I couldn't get the door open quickly enough before he left. FML
Today, I got home from work early to find my boyfriend spread eagle on the couch, taking pictures of his anus. Apparently, that's what his other girlfriend is into. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend is only staying with me because I’m getting him a signed poster for Christmas. FML
Today, my neighbours knocked to complain about the noise. I have been nursing a headache for the past several weeks while they have been slamming doors and arguing. FML
hellpop tells us more.
hellpop 22
So... I'm pretty sure that this is my FML... however I have no idea why it's saying I'm male or from that part of the UK... However I did submit this some time ago so that's why I think it's me. Anyway! The explanation was that it turned out to be my loud, lousy ex friend they had an issue with who'd stay every Sunday night. And my headache, I have been to several doctors but it's due to another medical condition I have that I'm having an MRI for in the near future. Hope that explains some stuff!
Today, my girlfriend's deaf and senile cat listens to my verbal instructions better than my completely healthy middle school students listen to me. FML
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