Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, our freezer was full because my Dad got a free turkey from work. Thing is, my mom bought a pre-made ham, even though she knows my dad brings home a turkey every year. Why? Because of all the prep work that goes into making the turkey, including clearing out the kitchen, and throwing it into the oven. FML
Today, I went home for my grandma's 95th birthday. While there she noticed my new tongue stud and asked why I would get it done. Before I could reply, my cousin said, "So she can can make the boys happier when she's sucking on them." She's 9 years-old. FML
Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my daughter trying to cut her wrist with a plastic spoon. When I asked her why, she said her friend Lucy did that so her parents would buy her pretty things. My daughter and Lucy are both four years old. FML
Today, on Thanksgiving, I asked my kid what she is thankful for. "My tablet." I had just told her I was thankful for her. FML
Today, my mother-in-law gifted us with a new microwave. I told her it was too much and we didn't really need it. Her response, "I just want my grandkids to have food that tastes good for once." I'm a chef. FML
Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML
Today, I learned that my aunt, who lives with us, is using our chopsticks in her hair and putting them back in the utensil drawer without washing them. I'm the one that uses chopsticks the most. FML
Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML
Today, my daughter couldn't find a hair tie and thought a piece of duct tape would be a perfectly fine substitute. FML
Today, I took my parents up on their invitation to spend Thanksgiving with them. My 3 year-old daughter refused to get out of the car and insisted on waiting there. When asked why, she said, "I don't like Grandma because she's mean to Daddy!" Not only did my parents hear, we haven't told her he, my husband, passed away 4 months ago. FML
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Top comments
Janrok24 0
Just one word: OWNED!
cristy91 33
Tell her she should buy one for that fat trap of hers.
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Comments (294)
zymn 6
oh shnap! i wish my aunt said that stuff when my sisters were teenagers...
zymn 6
OH SHNAP! wish my grandma said that stuff when my sisters were teenagers...
Indiana_fml 4
Awesome aunt. Sounds like one can have relaxed talks with her :)
Hadeezz 0
WAhqhahaahahhahah ROFLMFAO..., PWNED, And thats harsh
shmaller 0
Eh, so what. At least you're getting some. I don't understand society's pressured dislike of sexual pleasure.
AnaMaree 0
...so she thinks your a turkey?
grannycakes753 0
haha. i definitely think she wasn't calling you a ****. but was saying make sure you dont have sex
Beth79 0
ahahahaha...your aunt is awesome =)
Phallus_fml 0
What a perverted aunt!
tech42er 0
Sorry OP, but that's hilarious! And it's not an FML if you're getting some ;)