Today, I am going to take a law school test. My Mom told me to relax, so I told her, "I'm better at stressing out, so I have something to fall back on if I bomb the test." To which she replied, "And masturbating, you've always excelled at that." FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML
Today, I jokingly told my mom that I was having sex with my Professor. Her response was, "As long as you're getting A's, honey!" FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I got a lecture from my mother about how bad my stress has been, how I have to treat myself better and do something with my life. She still doesn't realize that most of the cause of my stress has been from her berating me about how stressed out I am. FML
Today, my girlfriend was complaining of being stressed, so I mentioned having heard that sex relieves a lot of that build up of stress. She replied, "I think I'd rather stay stressed." FML
Today, I'm having an existential crisis. I don't what the future holds, I'm overthinking and stressing about things I could've controlled. Now I'm having a breakdown and I've got a test tomorrow and I have to take a bath, but all my lazy ass does is worry but never actually do the fucking work. FML
Today, since my finals are starting tomorrow, I made a joke about setting my math books on fire. I laughed. Friends laughed. Parents laughed. Guess what subject just managed to actually get in touch with my scented candles? FML
Today, I have a huge test coming up for my licensing boards and if I don’t pass, I can’t work. I’ve been so stressed that I’ve hardly eaten or gotten more than a few hours sleep in the last couple of days. Without sleep, I can’t study. Without studying, I can’t pass. I’m literally worrying myself sick. FML
Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML
Today, my mom was more upset about my 67 on an Algebra test than my sister almost setting the house on fire. FML
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Top comments
WitEluded 13
Good luck getting that out of your head before the exam
igg125 30
Mama knows you best.
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Comments (62)
StickyPickles 33
Hahahaha. Owned by your own mother. yes
gracehi 33
Your mom is my new hero.
S1N9UL4R17Y 8
lets be realistic for a second. Everybody does it, and then acts like they don't.
JohnTheDonJuan 11
At first I thought you were implying that everybody only does it for a second, and I felt like a super - hero. Or just really terrible at it.
1dvos_grl3 21
well she isn't wrong
Vitotaylor36 13
Would you like some Aloe Vera for that burn?
drbobbz 16
I think lotion would be more appropriate in this case
buckdharma 38
It sounds like the old bate and twitch.
cassbird09 12
I don't actually get it? What does he have to fall back on if he bombs the test? How does stressing out help?
Brandi_Faith 34
I wondered this too. I was actually checking the comments to see if anyone knew what he meant by this. I don't see how stressing= something to fall back on. Anyone understand what op means?
Wsparta 26
I would assume it is referring to being on one's back while masturbating though I will confess I am not totally sure
That_Ginger 18
Falling back on as an excuse if he fails.
isawan09 14
I thought maybe he meant that if he failed the test, he could say 'oh, I was overly stressed out and wasn't doing my best'. That's the impression I got.
cassbird09 12
That's the most I could get from it too. Thanks for replying :)
Krwman 8
I don't suppose that's an argument you would try to win
isawan09 14
What guy doesn't excel at that?
Jord_Fox 14
One more skill to add to your CV