Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML
Today, I accidentally hit someone's car while in the supermarket car park. I left a note, went shopping, and when I came back my windows were shattered, my tires were slashed, and "FUCK YOU" was written on my windshield. FML
Today, I got into an accident and my car was totaled. My friends then took me out to a bar for a drink to make me feel better. It appears that the police officer I'd spoken to had kept my I.D. by mistake and I couldn't get into the bar. FML
Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML
Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML
Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML
Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML
Today, I went to the post office. As I entered the building, my car alarm went off. Thinking I'd accidentally pressed the alarm on my keys, I shut it off without looking. When I returned to my car, the passenger window was demolished and my purse with all my money was gone. FML
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Top comments
siberianhamster 17
YDI, twice over for trying to drive.
BntyHntrSeattle 30
At least you couldn't drive!!
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Comments (135)
BntyHntrSeattle 30
At least you couldn't drive!!
Welshite 40
He still made an attempt to drive; which is inexcusable.
BntyHntrSeattle 30
Well he should thank whatever supreme being looks over his sorry ass for preventing him from driving.
skittyskatbrat 19
His ass? The ass of everyone else on the road at that time!!!
JesterJosh 5
He could've been getting something out of his car so it wouldn't sit there overnight. Then hopped in with a friend or Taxi. He even could've just been grabbing something to show his friends or whatever. Point is: Nothing in this FML suggests he was going to drive so calm your ****.
KawaiiCupcake 14
OP is so ******* unresponsible! You know what shit would happen if you got in that car!! ******* seriously, drunk driving is no joke!!
NotAddictive 6
88-He was trying to get in his vehicle. That's enough to make me think he was going to drive...
Wimoweh 10
88. Since when has any shit drunk guy opened his car to do anything other than attempt to drive? What, he's going to get his notes so he can study for his biology test? Likely.
ang3l4 17
Irresponsible *
siberianhamster 17
YDI, twice over for trying to drive.
Turrence 9
Yeah, OP should have known they deserved it.. What an idiot.
jerzjay 17
........dumbass
caohm 18
stupid is as stupid does.- Forrest Gump The dude does not abide - The Dude
shugacube 13
I would have loved to have seen the officers faces as they played the security footage... So many laughs!! Reporting a crime that you committed is too funny!
Jared900DUmpling 30
YDI for getting so drunk that you couldn't think properly, but FYL as well.
Kyuzomi 12
There is no FYL in this FML. Everything that happened is a **** the people around him.
brebabee793 13
wow, is all I can say.
Rainhawk94 27
What a waste
DistanceRunner94 9
As in that's all you're capable of saying?
brebabee793 13
no you idiot.
Welshite 40
There are so many stories of drunk drivers causing serious accidents. Hopefully you'll be smarter next time. Still, you deserve it.
DocBastard 40
Are there? Where can I read such stories?
Welshite 40
I've heard of a blog created by a deranged trauma surgeon; I highly recommend it. There are such stories of drunk drivers and also step-by-step instructions on how to properly insert a coke bottle up one's bum.
Sports_guy3 28
It's called Channel 2 Action News, Doc.
annoyingmous 4
#47, you're not the common idiot. You're an especial kind of idiot. You not only have talent, but your stupidity is also fueled by effort and a huge ambition. Don't worry, some day soon you will be the greatest moron in the world. You are getting so close, you should feel proud.
Kiki242 19
You didn't get the joke 102.
DocBastard 40
Annoyingmous - Your username is oddly appropriate.
tukies 28
I love how people don't understand sarcasm...
zandalee 20
Be gentle Doc, that was Annoyingmous's first comment... Bless
Odis12 11
Messing with doc? Soon you'll be deadmou5. (I know, I'm stupid)
pistachiopanda 19
Hey, at least you didn't drive.. A key element in maintaining a good record.
Jared900DUmpling 30
No, you didn't have to.
Rainhawk94 27
People are too optimistic
jazzy_123 20
a key element is driving responsibly and not putting your life or anyone else's in danger!
Awesomeaxel 24
Take it as a blessing. If you had driven you probably would've gotten in a wreck.
The_Big_Boss 20
There are so many reasons you deserve this. I hope you have a couple grand spare to get it repainted
xcteamrunner 16
So why was this a good idea?