Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML
Today, I accidentally hit someone's car while in the supermarket car park. I left a note, went shopping, and when I came back my windows were shattered, my tires were slashed, and "FUCK YOU" was written on my windshield. FML
Today, I got into an accident and my car was totaled. My friends then took me out to a bar for a drink to make me feel better. It appears that the police officer I'd spoken to had kept my I.D. by mistake and I couldn't get into the bar. FML
Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML
Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML
Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML
Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML
Today, I went to the post office. As I entered the building, my car alarm went off. Thinking I'd accidentally pressed the alarm on my keys, I shut it off without looking. When I returned to my car, the passenger window was demolished and my purse with all my money was gone. FML
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Top comments
siberianhamster 17
YDI, twice over for trying to drive.
BntyHntrSeattle 30
At least you couldn't drive!!
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Comments (135)
AngNic42 0
You definitely deserved it. I hope they were able to ticket you for something, since you were too drunk to drive.
pistachiopanda 19
They could technically charge him with public intoxication.. Unless he is in the vehicle though they can't really charge attempted DUI.
perdix 31
#21, it's too bad there's no such crime as attempted DUI. At least, they could play the video on the local TV news to publicly humiliate the OP.
Gpmo 10
depends on the state. keys in hand at driver door. will get you one here.
RedPillSucks 33
No. You actually have to be in the car.
pistachiopanda 19
I actually work in law enforcement and there IS in fact an attempted DUI charge. Try google next time.
perdix 31
#51, I'm sure it varies from state to state. I'm here for the funny and not to learn obscure statutes.
pistachiopanda 19
#52 Gotcha :) No worries, just thought I would throw it out there.
mattorama 15
Attempted DUI? What, so if I get hammered at a bar, go to get my jacket out of my car so I can get a ride home, the cops should be able to come up and go "You were going to drive, you're charged with attempted DUI!" How TF could that possibly hold up?
Gpmo 10
I have 3 "friends" with DUI from being at the driver door with keys in hand with intent. Also one with dui while sleeping it off in driver seat with keys in pockets.
Fuaaad1994 31
Blessing in disguise
iknowiwantyou 13
That doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. I have a friend who actually drives much better when she's drunk and she's usually the drunk designated driver. Don't ask me how
lh176 7
Never try to argue that your driving isn't impaired if you're drunk. That's just ignorant. Maybe she tries to be more careful, but she definitely doesn't have the same perception
Dynosaur_dollie 38
that's bullshit and your friend should not have their license. drinking and driving gets people killed. I am sure the drunk that killed my brother felt he was driving much better too. considering alcohol alters your perception a lot of drunks think they are doing much better than they are.
DrownedMyFish 18
#32, I would love to be the officer that your friends tries to explain that to. "Officer, I was only driving drunk because I drive better under the influence"
DocBastard 40
Iknowiwantyou - Congratulations on writing the most absurd thing I've read all day.
edanielleh 21
@ 32 Please never reproduce, we do not need this level of stupidity on our planet.
alycion 39
32 I am on pain medication on a somewhat regular basis. I have built up a tolerance to where they don't really effect me anymore and I still won't drive if I'm on them. I've watched impaired driving destroy lives. A coworker who was having issues got drunk. Nobody knew he was having problems or intoxicated when he left the office to go help his wife. She noticed he was drunk and told him to go home. He opted to come back to work. A few mile path of destruction ending in multiple accidents with two deaths and him in prison for life was the result. He was lucky because they were looking at the death penalty. Nobody knows why he snapped and did something so out of character. But there are families missing a wife and child and his children growing up with the knowledge of what their father did. Not to mention the guilt that everyone around him felt for missing the signs. If you want to be dumb and justify your friends behavior, I hope you are prepared to deal with the inevitable consequences.
Sports_guy3 28
#49- You're in for a lot more.
Sports_guy3 28
#58- yet, it is already here...
Missyeru 14
#32. You are retarded, it does apply to everyone, and if your friend hasn't gotten caught yet, they will, and for the sake of everyone let's hope the only person your friend hurts is themselves. Unfortunately drunk driving usually isn't that pleasant and ends up ruining tons of peoples lives by one persons dumb decision. I would highly recommend reevaluating your friends and your life choices if you think it's ok to designate your friend as "designated drunk driver"
Sweetpea22 14
Your friend is an idiot
jazzy_123 20
32, funny. The day my boyfriend told me that his driving was actually better when drunk, I smacked him so hard that I don't think he'll ever do it again.
PattonGilette2 18
pas
sammieshortcake 15
Your car being keyed is getting off easy. If you were so drunk you couldn't open the door why in the hell were you trying to drive? No sympathy for asshats like you that drink and drive.
tochiotome 14
Nice work bro
perdix 31
Being able to hold your liquor is the... key to enjoying your partying.
yerbduebeenehe 16
I'm gonna shrug this off since I have a sense of humor and have never been the victim of drunk driving, but others won't take this joke lightly.
perdix 31
#45, CTFD. Yeah, we all get it -- DUI is a real problem! We don't need a bunch of wet blankets, killjoys and turds in the punch bowl around here to screw up the fun we have on this site with our dark, sick humor.
anonymous_kenie 7
You're an idiot. You could've killed someone trying to drive drunk.
Ugi 27
Just as well you couldn't open the door - you sure as hell should not have been driving! You got off lightly.
cyttex 13
Keying your own car sounds like such fun.
perdix 31
Now that the police found the culprit, are you going to press charges?
DrownedMyFish 18
He should sue himself for everything he has.
perdix 31
#44, even better would be if he hires one lawyer to sue himself and another to defend himself. That'll work out expensive no matter what.
BoltTheSuperdog 22
#61: Somewhere, two lawyers are cheering at your idea.