What am I doing?

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

Today, I was so bored I googled the word "bored." The results were boring. FML

Today, I found out my parents have a list of everything I have ever Googled. FML

Indoctrinated

Today, I realized that because of my construction job, I have spent such a huge amount of time with older, cynical guys that I keep uncontrollably using the phrase "fucking kids these days" regularly like an idiot. I'm 18. FML

Need help

Today, I was so depressed that I almost called Kids Help Phone for support. Then I remembered that I’m 33. FML

Lizard queen

Today, someone tried to guess my age. They guessed 45, then 39. I'm 35 and just spent $20,000 on plastic surgery to make myself look more youthful. FML

Turned out OK

Today, I found my high school diary and decided to read it for nostalgia. My teenage self wrote, “Future me will totally be rich, famous, and married to Chris Hemsworth by 30.” I’m 32, single, and googling “How to fix a clogged toilet.” FML

Time

Today, I used to look so young for my age that in high school, I was regularly mistaken for a freshman. I never succeeded in getting dates because of it. Today, I'm 25 years-old and regularly get confused for being in my thirties. I guess all the stress from work, loneliness, and rejection really caught up. FML

We've all been there

Today, I looked through my daughter’s search history. Did I find porn? No, worse. At the age of 17, she has been looking up the definitions of commonly used words such as ‘arbitrary,’ ‘pretentious,’ and ‘initiative.’ FML

Pinhead

Today, I'm 35 years-old and I had to buy myself a hat from the kids section. FML