Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML
Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML
Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML
Today, I learned that when my daughter spent the night at her best friend's house for her 18th birthday, they made her an account on one of those "cam girl" websites, and now every time she goes over there, she masturbates for money in front of strangers. FML
Today, my 20 year-old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML
Today, I gave my hubby a hand massage as he's beginning to deal with carpal tunnel issues. He then proceeded to tell me, and I quote, "This is the consequences of not properly stretching as a young guy. I did stretch pussy though." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
buckeyed 20
Easy fix: all she has to do is use her mouth!
LindsayxMoore 18
Wow. I think you need to have a talk with her!
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (189)
LindsayxMoore 18
Wow. I think you need to have a talk with her!
thatkidhesh 11
must take a lot of willpower to power through that pain. nevertheless your girl has issues OP
Zebediabolical 45
I have to agree. Kids today don't generally have that kind of dedication and work ethic. Kudos to you OP!
\ 28
Sounds like a raging case of "major **** craving disorder"
karnnie 11
Nice way to bring in past FML's
LindsayxMoore 18
For real. I stop when my arm starts hurting.
ositoakaluis 16
or she can just switch hands I'm just saying
lorraineald 7
Look on the bright side OP, at least she isn't getting STDs or pregnant.
androiddestroya 7
Can't talk. Handjobs.
wonders8 3
Haha good one
peacheso 31
Pls handle the situation with care
MeLikeBigBoom 8
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Please*
buckeyed 20
Easy fix: all she has to do is use her mouth!
feldco1 17
Darn it, saw this comment after I posted mine! Sorry
\ 28
Or start giving footjobs instead
TheDrifter 24
Our art least swap hands, ambidexterity is a useful skill for her probable future in "adult" films
Murilirum 23
I like the way you think :p
kat_a_tak 18
i was thinking OP should be glad her daughter wasn't suffering from lockjaw in the first place!
Thundering_Jibbs 13
I think we are all missing the obvious solution: Why doesn't she just use the other hand?
SiJSyd 2
#56- that's not a thing. I think you should do stand up at a mental asylum- the crazy people will find your random jibberish hilarious.
adrenalx42 2
Or she could you know not be a ****
clemsi 20
100 they are in fact a thing...Google is...well not your friend,but a double edge sword at best
LemonandLime 13
Dude is everyone forgetting that she's only 17?!
josebaseball11 14
141 I couldn't agree more.
BossPathfinderGM 14
Age of consent in many states. It's a grey area...
processengineer 9
or other hand...
benmec 18
All the more delicious !!!!
sparky1970 2
Then she'll get lock jaw
slooby_fml 25
She's giving them to me. Sorry about that
syki 22
But... you're a girl.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
I never knew pentaceratops liked hand jobs..
flockz 20
all those handjobs must be leaving you a little.... saur.
slooby_fml 25
;)
tygerarmy 35
She needs to learn to do it lefty.
happle 21
Wouldn't she stop after realizing it hurts? Or just switch hands? :/
rosenkrieger223 24
You'd think, but unfortunately, common sense isn't so common anymore...
Liamj774 36
No, it wouldn't be called common scence if it weren't common. There is just a lot less of it, though.
feldco1 17
If she used her mouth she would heal.
crudeandrudeguy 29
You say that with enough confidence that it seems you are speaking from experience... Go get em girl!!!!!
assassinbanana0 20
You should sit down and have a talk with her, OP. I'm not going to call her a ****, because I don't know if she does it to random guys or a boyfriend. But she needs to realize that her health is more important than her sexual pleasuring of other people.
SiJSyd 2
Isn't the fact that OP needs to talk to his daughter a little obvious?
robchfra 5
Maybe ease up on the **** shaming. How come no comment about the boy (or boys) who are getting the handjobs. Aren't they involved as well? Or is the woman the only one who is doing something shameful? Sex, unless you are masturbating, is between 2 or more people, so if one person is a ****, so's the other.
assassinbanana0 20
I specifically said I'm not going to call her a **** because I don't know her and she could be doing it to her boyfriend and not random guys
ygdrassil 17
Well the way it was written it sounded like she's jerking off a whole bunch of guys. Unless they're quite lucky/slutty, each of the boys individually does not have many girls giving him handjobs, and "****" is a term usually reserved for someone with many sexual partners.
LaLa_xo 14
If she physically can't stop then you have worse things to worry about than her sprained elbow..
DocBastard 40
Her technique is all wrong. More with the wrist, less with the elbow. Alternately, more with the mouth, less with the hand.
Wizardo 34
But then again if she used her mouth her knees would be injured pretty soon, I guess its the trade off she'll have to pay...
Ki11erC 18
Simple solution to the knee problem, get the receiver to lie down... Win-win
Wizardo 34
True, its definitely a win-win. I see big things in her future...
hashshim 23
That "big things" pun was a good one. hahaha
theycallmekitty 13
I got a lot of those "been on your knees too much" jokes when I had knee surgery...
Wizardo 34
#65, You should have replied that "Yes I've been on my knees... praying for a speedy recovery and your doucheyness being alleviated". :')
karnnie 11
Have her lay on the bed...
crudeandrudeguy 29
@65- I'm going to be "that guy" and say it's because you're hot and the men who said it to you were hinting that's what they wanted/were hoping...