Today, for the sixth time in a row, I was driving my kid to school and he made me late for work. Why? He was whacking off instead of getting ready. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my daughter's school is furious because we were 3 hours late picking her up. My son, who was supposed to pick her up, apparently accidentally fell asleep after masturbating himself to exhaustion, which is why when we finally got home he was asleep with his pants down, porn still playing. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML
Today, I was rushing around like a lunatic trying to get my shit together and knocked on my son's door a few times. The fourth time I did it, he shouted at me to just fuck off already because he’s trying to have a wank. Oops, and TMI son, TMI. FML
Today, I had to tell my daughter 7 times to get ready for school. I packed her lunch, made her breakfast, got her clothes ready for her, and yet it still took her half an hour to get dressed, making me just under an hour late for work due to peak hour traffic. Traffic I would have beaten. FML
Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML
Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML
Today, while on the road, my dad called twice before I pulled over and answered the phone. He first got mad at me for not answering, and then again later for "paying attention to my phone" while driving. FML
Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML
Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML
Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "Sex". My son is 16. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
marcelmg 10
What did he say when you called him? I'm coming?
goose12321 11
Well you know what they say, getting up (and ready for school) is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (138)
RayearthNinja 10
so make him walk.
upallnight11 19
That would be awkward, but if there isn't any choice. No, still no good idea.
PenguinBitch 44
But not all parents are as awesome as yours Noor. And if OP does let him, then this is when leather seats become a huge win.
ComoEsJuan 24
#26, if the luxury of leather seats is unavailable, an empty can of Dr. Perky works just as well!
perdix 31
Back in my day, whacking off was part of getting ready for school, especially when I had that hot algebra teacher in first period. The monkey-spanking kinda took the edge off ;)
KingDead 18
Hahah, that's healthy. Don't forget to teach him about Jill.
Dadvocate 5
Lol. But wackin off is cheaper. U know what they say; Jack and Jill went up the hill both with $1.25 Jill came down with $2.50.
KingDead 18
Do you not know about JILL?! Your left hand my friend! Your right hand sidekick!
Enslaved 38
33 don't forget-- "That ******* *****!" Love the Dice Man!(:
Dadvocate 5
37- oh lol my mistake 78- lmao. I didn't write that thinking no one wud know it. Glad u added it.
shorty6823 28
Sounds like my dads girlfriends son. He takes 45 minute showers because it's "relaxing".
dogpup4 23
He might not be lying. I spend a long time in the shower but I don't wank in there, I just stand there daydreaming because the hot water's nice.
ApacheC424 18
Agreed with 32. A long shower is relaxing, and a great time to self-reflect, or daydream. Besides shower and a wank doesn't take 45 minutes.
KingDead 18
Don't lie! You've done it once or twice.. Perhaps whilst having a cold beer... Or is that just me...
ApacheC424 18
38, it may just be you. But the idea isn't so bad........excuse me while I take a shower.
gracehi 33
I do that too, 32. Sometimes, I even fall asleep in the shower.
PrincessPesa 20
Nothing like a showeer (shower beer) to brighten up your day! Cold beer+ hot shower= delicious!
shorty6823 28
He's 12, and at the point where he is first starting to enjoy his manhood.
Enslaved 38
Come on! Don't be so hard on him. Just wake him up three minutes earlier. :P
olpally 33
Is your son Chris griffin???? Lol.
skyeyez9 25
Wake the little bastard 30 mins earlier so he can fap and not make you late for work. Or make him walk.