Today, for the sixth time in a row, I was driving my kid to school and he made me late for work. Why? He was whacking off instead of getting ready. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my daughter's school is furious because we were 3 hours late picking her up. My son, who was supposed to pick her up, apparently accidentally fell asleep after masturbating himself to exhaustion, which is why when we finally got home he was asleep with his pants down, porn still playing. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML
Today, I was rushing around like a lunatic trying to get my shit together and knocked on my son's door a few times. The fourth time I did it, he shouted at me to just fuck off already because he’s trying to have a wank. Oops, and TMI son, TMI. FML
Today, I had to tell my daughter 7 times to get ready for school. I packed her lunch, made her breakfast, got her clothes ready for her, and yet it still took her half an hour to get dressed, making me just under an hour late for work due to peak hour traffic. Traffic I would have beaten. FML
Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML
Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML
Today, while on the road, my dad called twice before I pulled over and answered the phone. He first got mad at me for not answering, and then again later for "paying attention to my phone" while driving. FML
Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML
Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML
Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "Sex". My son is 16. FML
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Top comments
marcelmg 10
What did he say when you called him? I'm coming?
goose12321 11
Well you know what they say, getting up (and ready for school) is the second hardest thing in the morning.
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Comments (138)
young_weezy_fml 3
just tell your boss your car has a flaccid tire
pmadNess 16
If he's not ready on time leave him. When his grades fail, punish him. Teach him to be self responsible.
21jason 9
Time to hide the lotion.
Keevarou 17
Lotion is for the weak anyway ~
TurquoiseJesus 15
Real men use sandpaper.
j_cat187 20
Real real men use a 25 grit belt sander.
21jason 9
Time to hide the lotion.
iLike2Teabag 27
What a jerk.
gracehi 33
...off
PenguinBitch 44
It'll be awkward if his name was Jack and when you give him a ride and arrive to his destination you say," Jack, get off!...... Oh I mean get out."
calipilot227 16
Not as awkward as that joke.
gracehi 33
I give you props for trying.
PenguinBitch 44
43-And where's your joke or advice? Or do you just reply to others and judge? Thumb it down son.
Enslaved 38
That's when Jill comes in extra handy.
trellz17 19
He needs to manage his time better. Like waking up earlier to jack-off
DocBastard 40
When he said he was "Taming the Shrew", he did NOT mean he was reading Shakespeare.
Enslaved 38
"I want a doctor to take your picture So I can look at you from inside as well I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so"
ambitiousnygrl 17
Or when he said he was studying anatomy...
ComoEsJuan 24
Tell that little jerk off to hurry up!
upallnight11 19
If I may ask, how old is he?
zandalee 20
28
GoodLookingGeese 10
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