Today, for the sixth time in a row, I was driving my kid to school and he made me late for work. Why? He was whacking off instead of getting ready. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my daughter's school is furious because we were 3 hours late picking her up. My son, who was supposed to pick her up, apparently accidentally fell asleep after masturbating himself to exhaustion, which is why when we finally got home he was asleep with his pants down, porn still playing. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML
Today, I was rushing around like a lunatic trying to get my shit together and knocked on my son's door a few times. The fourth time I did it, he shouted at me to just fuck off already because he’s trying to have a wank. Oops, and TMI son, TMI. FML
Today, I had to tell my daughter 7 times to get ready for school. I packed her lunch, made her breakfast, got her clothes ready for her, and yet it still took her half an hour to get dressed, making me just under an hour late for work due to peak hour traffic. Traffic I would have beaten. FML
Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML
Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML
Today, while on the road, my dad called twice before I pulled over and answered the phone. He first got mad at me for not answering, and then again later for "paying attention to my phone" while driving. FML
Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML
Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML
Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "Sex". My son is 16. FML
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Top comments
marcelmg 10
What did he say when you called him? I'm coming?
goose12321 11
Well you know what they say, getting up (and ready for school) is the second hardest thing in the morning.
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Comments (138)
Zoey5683 17
Make him walk to school or take public transportation O.o
then000bster 16
Yeah seriously.... Is morning wood that hard to get rid of?
gracehi 33
Yeah! Make that wanker walk!
NioBerry 7
dude for real if he has time to wack it make him get up and walk it ( or catch the bus)
AKGirlinSD 20
I pretty much agree with everyone's statements in this thread. OP, to answer your user name on your FML post, it is because he's probably going thru maturity and has discovered self satisfaction is the best feeling in the world, to him, at this point in his life. You need to sit him down and tell him to wake up earlier or he's walking or taking the bus because your work puts food on the table and a roof over his and your heads.
IscoreOnU 19
Yeah but he can do it at night or wake up earlier... I only do it if I have time in the morning... Not gonna be late for it
uhhSavage 22
Yo, 73, thanks for sharing, man.
sonicgreg 12
He needs to start taking pubic transportation
whY402Jay 12
But he might get arrested for doing that in public... people don't wanna see that shit.
Sonfang 19
#60 I think you mean puberty, not maturity.
AKGirlinSD 20
^Good catch, thanks! I think people understood what I meant.
spazz666 18
Honestly. I don't know why you let him get away with this 6 times without any apparent consequences.
leezylvl3 3
You're funny lol
xeka 10
"Kid"? Oh goodness.. Well, at least he's keeping from liver cancer :b or whatever Science said it is.
zero4life123 7
I think you just gave me eye cancer....
charlotte178 4
Prostate*
DocBastard 40
Uh...what? I had to read through comment #2 several times to try to decipher it, and I'm still lost. Even my Idiot-English Translation Engine is powerless here.
AKGirlinSD 20
Doc, I'm pretty confused too! I think the commenter was saying that by some how masturbating, he has a lesser chance of getting liver cancer of what ever the doctors have proven what masturbating can do to help not get a type of cancer or disease. Either way, I reread it multiple times and it gave me a headache.
pmadNess 16
So Doc, will wacking keep any kind of cancer away? What about for women? If true, I see an increase in masturbation taking ahold of the nation. Lol
zandalee 20
Come on guys... We all know wanking causes blindness.
Stalkerloo 11
I don't know about anybody else, but if I got caught doing that, my Dad would make me walk to school.
insertnameherr 11
That kid needs to know when it's the right time to do that kind of stuff.
Lrigglez 7
Yea i agree
Success4444 12
I say whack him in the head.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
I'd say most fathers would have a hard time even looking at their son right after they caught them with their dicks in their hands. Just a strange situation..
Joe9024 20
I think OPs son is already on that, 82
Success4444 12
The pun was intended. I didn't think I had to say it.
iammeorami 25
Ya, he was really "hard"
NessieMonster188 17
Like father, like son...
sux4u121 10
I don't recall op saying anything about his chronic masturbation.
OptimusVader 23
The son certainly has his priorities in order.
goose12321 11
Well you know what they say, getting up (and ready for school) is the second hardest thing in the morning.
RpiesSPIES 27
I'd say getting up is the easiest, actually... If you know what I mean ;D
Caruci 7
At # 5 - Lol nice picture
goose12321 11
Haha cheers Caruci
marcelmg 10
What did he say when you called him? I'm coming?
KingReppin956 15
Lmfao
zandalee 20
I wake my son up every morning with, "hands off cocks and onto socks". He's never made me late for work. Not yet...
koranne1 4
ohmygosh, that's funny :D
KittenQuinn 6
Mom?!
Dadvocate 5
Lmfao
kmccain 27
That would work better if you're profile didn't say you are a girl...
PenguinBitch 44
He's relieving the stress from having to wake up every morning.
Curtar2 18
well it it does help you focus if you ********** before hand.
Sir_ND_Pity 35
"I'm sorry, mom! The little bastard keeps on spitting at me so I've got to choke it and teach it a lesson!" Make him walk, OP!
Sir_ND_Pity 35
Dad*