Today, for the sixth time in a row, I was driving my kid to school and he made me late for work. Why? He was whacking off instead of getting ready. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my daughter's school is furious because we were 3 hours late picking her up. My son, who was supposed to pick her up, apparently accidentally fell asleep after masturbating himself to exhaustion, which is why when we finally got home he was asleep with his pants down, porn still playing. FML
Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML
Today, I was rushing around like a lunatic trying to get my shit together and knocked on my son's door a few times. The fourth time I did it, he shouted at me to just fuck off already because he’s trying to have a wank. Oops, and TMI son, TMI. FML
Today, I had to tell my daughter 7 times to get ready for school. I packed her lunch, made her breakfast, got her clothes ready for her, and yet it still took her half an hour to get dressed, making me just under an hour late for work due to peak hour traffic. Traffic I would have beaten. FML
Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML
Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML
Today, while on the road, my dad called twice before I pulled over and answered the phone. He first got mad at me for not answering, and then again later for "paying attention to my phone" while driving. FML
Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML
Today, while stuck in a traffic jam, my son silently changed my gear to reverse. FML
Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "Sex". My son is 16. FML
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Top comments
marcelmg 10
What did he say when you called him? I'm coming?
goose12321 11
Well you know what they say, getting up (and ready for school) is the second hardest thing in the morning.
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Comments (138)
Wizardo 34
Your mornings must be so hard, don't be flaccid about it teach the jerk a lesson and tell him to beat it and make him go on his own.
ice723 5
next time lend a hand or mouth and speed it up for him so he's not running late
DocBastard 40
That is truly disturbing and disgusting, and I hope you're ashamed of yourself for thinking it, let alone posting it.
Zen_Mei 17
Next time YOU should lend a hand or mouth! Urg creep
RaVeN53 7
Make his butt walk to school!
Branlamb 14
But what about the rest of his body?
TurquoiseJesus 15
Clearly the only solution is to cut his hands off.
my2centsworth 15
So make him ride the bus. You're supposed to be in charge.
LoveMeDontHateMe 9
How old is he?
buddy51 23
OP- I shudder to think about how you figured out what your kid was doing! But seriously, jacking off IS his way of preventing embarrassing pants-tent situations.... have some mercy on the poor, over-sexed, hormonally driven early morning obsessive chicken choking monkey slapping batter-beating prime pecker-wood nutter your little boy's become! Remember back to the days of your youth and wake him up 15 minutes early tomorrow morning so he'll spurt out the door with some spunky energy and squirt into the car on time! At least he'll have one soft well-lubed and un-chapped hand!
Slavgaard 16
Tell him to start ealier next time so you can get back on schedual !
witeshdw08 4
Every morning walk in his room naked, that would destroy anyone's desire to spank it. Well unless you are in back wood of Arkansas. :)
ealovan 20
shouldn't this be in the 'kids' category?