Today, I checked the camera I set up to find out who has been stealing my prescription painkillers: my wife, my daughter, or my son. Turns out they all are. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mother accused me of stealing pills; she looked all over my room and couldn't find them. When she went back to the pantry, she saw them on the shelf below where they were supposed to be. She then accused me of putting them there while she was searching my room. FML
Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML
Today, my wife and I got frisky in the living room, completely forgetting we recently gave our adult daughter access to our home security cameras for safety reasons. The cameras didn’t see anything but she now keeps making fun of my orgasm noises, which apparently she found hilarious. FML
Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML
Today, my asshole uncle stole the painkillers I was prescribed after my surgery. To top it all off, the pharmacy called CPS on my mom when she attempted to replace them because they thought she was lying, so they're going to be investigating. FML
Today, a bunch of cops showed up at my house demanding to see my wife to make sure she was OK. Turns out my insane out-of-state daughter swatted me, calling 911 to tell them I had tied up my wife, and been impersonating her for a week. FML
Today, I was installing wireless surveillance cameras outside my workplace. Before mounting them, I pointed them around the building to make sure there was a good signal and picture. I got inside to the monitor just in time to see a kid steal one of the cameras. FML
Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML
Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML
Today, a "friend" tried to sell me a digital camera that I recognized that was stolen from my home a week earlier, along with a few other things. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
Wow, looks like you could start up a family drug business!
NickCassell 2
Can I has some? :D
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Comments (204)
WCARlover 35
Wow, looks like you could start up a family drug business!
YourEvilHero 12
they're probably taking them to get high and not selling them. but pretty crazy wife is doing it along with the kids
jillianmathers12 13
Get a divorce and let her keep the kids!
LiveLaughFML 10
this sounds like something that would happen on Family Matters. hehe. "did I do thaaat?" :D
urdirtyolduncle 15
Time for family rehab.
Keyman1212 14
The newest ABC show: it's like Weeds, but less exciting! We call it: Druggie Family!
zombicidal 11
the new MTV series meet the dopers
StoryOfTheYear 15
Looks like you drugged them into the situation. Huh-hah!
FarSide 23
Steal your wife's *****, wear your daughter's thongs, use your son's condoms.
FarSide 23
Almost makes you wish you could trade places with the kid whose grandma shows and tells restaurants to kiss her ass....
HomelessMuslim 0
The all new oxymoron drug cartel!
iluvwaffles42 0
I hope OP doesn't keep his medicine in the medicine cabinet... right beside the toilet.
EvilPotato 15
they can all get high together.
enonymous 9
Hey flintstones vitamin chewables are ******* delicious... tell your doc you need more refills.
Ali_Ridhima541 0
y would they do that?
monkeys1315 0
Maybe you should hid them, thats what we gotta do at my house
Pendragon525 0
It doesn't work that way with opiates. In the vast majority of cases, you have to sign a pain management contract. Standard in those contracts is a clause that says if you will not get extra medication...even if your meds are lost or stolen. Chances are, no matter how much he needs them, he won't get more meds until his next monthly refill.
False_Stupidity 42
Oxymoron = a self contradictory sentence or statement... In light of this, how does your comment make sense?
kalixzo 11
Time to slap some bitches
slantyshanty 7
They can't start a business selling drugs if they are always using their product.
cookies666 0
More like buyers than sellers
andrewjt 3
Not what they meant by family medical.
shiawase_fml 3
what are they doing with them?
dre_bro11 12
Why's everyone thumbing down 94? He has a good point, because if the meds were in the cabinet next to the toilet, it'd mean that OP would have been filming whatever went on in there.
ChibiChibi_fml 28
@126 I think that depends on where you live. I've been on Opiates many, many, times and for large lengths of time and have never had to sign any contracts about them. That's including when I was on the really freaking strong stuff. I've even actually had to have them refilled after someone stole a bunch from and not one person has ever said anything about it.
NickCassell 2
Can I has some? :D
chester75 5
you should switch the painkillers with sugar pills and see if they notice.
nellienicole 1
Call Dr. Drew.
j_cat187 20
No consider Dr greenthumb
ShyAnn29 15
13 they might go through withdrawal, which is not fun at all!!
cali_dude 5
No one can hook you up better than the family.
cali_dude 5
No one can hook you up better than the family.
marpay 11
69- if they are stealing drugs from someone who needs them they deserve to go cold turkey and have some withdrawals.
SnowFlakeInAK 7
I agree marpay!!! I hope they have horrid DTs from it!
kiran_fml 5
I agree with 13, you should consider doing it and see what happens
DocBastard 40
Delirium tremens is due to alcohol withdrawal, and it is potentially fatal. Narcotics withdrawal sucks, but you don't die from it.
ShyAnn29 15
Well that's true if they are stealing them, you're right, I don't know what I'd do if someone stole my medicine, I have some strong narcotics. I had to go 2 days without them, OMG!!! that was awful!!!
MsKittyKatWeber 10
They'll only go through withdrawl symptoms if they have been on them a long enough time and if they are strong enough. OP, you are at fault here. You need to treat these drugs as you would cash. Keep them hidden where none of them can find them. This is one of the reasons why docs are having to put refill restrictions on pain meds. Please for everyone's sake, be responsible :)
JiggaJayZ 16
2- No
BIEBERSLAYER 10
Obviously if op only thought one person was stealing them they must not have gotten too much each so making them go cold turkey wouldnt be that bad no matter what they were.
Lightbulb830 4
I'm selling some percs and oxy for cheap :D
mattsan1992 0
90- please for everyones sake, shut the hell up
GuessWhatKids 13
Anyone else think 2 looks like McLovin?
magnetic_aura 26
He should be able to trust his wife to not steal medication from him.
bubblekitty 1
You can really trust them now
urdirtyolduncle 15
...says the upside-down sleepy kitten.
jallred254 4
The cat can def kick the shit outta your dog
jacob12311 4
It's not sleepy it's yelling a battle cry GOSH!
killerkiss92 8
So the battle crying kitteh has a dirty old uncle who is also a dog hm lol
SuperSukh 6
Hide the prescription, stupid.
rayrayray23 1
Or he can switch them with like vitamin pills or something (: I'd so do that :D
sxe_beast 11
I think he needs a ******* family intervention. Dear science. This is horrible.
ShroomsOnAcid 17
He should switch them with Ambien.
rebekahah 7
Switch them with laxatives and lock all the bathroom doors >:)
Matias_Says_FML 4
Maybe those painkillers are making you hallucinate!
Pendragon525 0
He has it on camera. He's not hallucinating. BTW, pain meds don't generally cause hallucinations. HTH!
Matias_Says_FML 4
Yes, I am aware that he saw it on camera. I was being a bit facetious you know.
je_suis_fml 11
107- Hi, my name is Joke.. it's time we become familiar with each other..
Pendragon525 0
Understood. Unfortunately, pain patients are often treated more like junkies or criminals than patients, and we can get a little fed up with it. Sorry for not giving you the benefit of the doubt.
siickman 7
lol scrubs use final stand at least ...
minisquid 9
For that, you get -10 internets.
siickman 7
lol i was just kidding guys final stand sucks dick....copy cat is were its at (y) lmfao!!
MarioDragon 14
Time for an intervention.
jillianmathers12 13
Drug family!
ciarafox9 9
This all sounds ridiculously suspicious..
ciarafox9 9
This all sounds ridiculously suspicious..
ciarafox9 9
My deepest apologies for posting twice
bizarre_ftw 22
It takes this to tell you that? If your family steals each other's drugs I can only assume there have been other obvious hints to the dysfunction that is them