Today, I checked the camera I set up to find out who has been stealing my prescription painkillers: my wife, my daughter, or my son. Turns out they all are. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mother accused me of stealing pills; she looked all over my room and couldn't find them. When she went back to the pantry, she saw them on the shelf below where they were supposed to be. She then accused me of putting them there while she was searching my room. FML
Today, I figured out why I have been feeling so drowsy and lethargic for the past week. My daughter had been slipping sleeping pills into my coffee as payback for taking her phone away. FML
Today, my wife and I got frisky in the living room, completely forgetting we recently gave our adult daughter access to our home security cameras for safety reasons. The cameras didn’t see anything but she now keeps making fun of my orgasm noises, which apparently she found hilarious. FML
Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML
Today, my asshole uncle stole the painkillers I was prescribed after my surgery. To top it all off, the pharmacy called CPS on my mom when she attempted to replace them because they thought she was lying, so they're going to be investigating. FML
Today, a bunch of cops showed up at my house demanding to see my wife to make sure she was OK. Turns out my insane out-of-state daughter swatted me, calling 911 to tell them I had tied up my wife, and been impersonating her for a week. FML
Today, I was installing wireless surveillance cameras outside my workplace. Before mounting them, I pointed them around the building to make sure there was a good signal and picture. I got inside to the monitor just in time to see a kid steal one of the cameras. FML
Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML
Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML
Today, a "friend" tried to sell me a digital camera that I recognized that was stolen from my home a week earlier, along with a few other things. FML
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Top comments
WCARlover 35
Wow, looks like you could start up a family drug business!
NickCassell 2
Can I has some? :D
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Comments (204)
Darklozer23 0
um... Whoppdy ****** doo?
nicole8402 4
Schedule a "family movie night". Turn on what you recorded and watch them try to explain.
Pendragon525 0
How old are the kids, OP? If they are still minors, you can get into some real trouble keeping your meds where they can get them. It also probably invalidates your pain management contract; you might want to read it over & check your the opiate policy at your doctor's office/pain management clinic. Protect yourself: especially if your pain is chronic & not temporary. Good luck.
ifknh8usernames 7
how many times are you going to comment on the same FML?? just shut up already.
Pendragon525 0
Ah, you're paying attention to how much I post. How quaint.
Malinkrot 3
junkies are sneaky liars and they can do some pretty crazy things for opiates (and money to get opiates). my ex boyfriend stole over $10,000 from both his parents and spent it all on heroin and roxicodone. he even was able to break into his moms safe to get her oxycodone and cash. so I wouldn't assume the OP is just leaving his meds out in the open. a junkie in withdrawals is a very desperate person who WILL spend hours looking for hidden pills.
William523 5
Take a video of yourself sticking the pills up your ass, then have a family video night. And I don't mean the bottle, fool, I mean each individual pill!
Pendragon525 0
You may be on to something here. He should announce he had his Rx changed to suppositories. They might not be so quick to steal them then! (J/K, of course)
xXMudkipNoobXx 7
hey dad.
R4P3DwithALOHA 0
r u teh dumb a•• son?
Pinknessie 1
This can't be true. Wow.
Tyger44 1
Time to send your family to rehab..oh yeah yeah
dumaz 2
geeked up off them barsss
summerbreeze888 10
Sometimes the truth hurts!
MarkARod 0
Wow your really beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MarkARod 0
Yes it does like the fact that we are best friends now haha Jk!!!
EarAcheMyEYE10 2
Divorce them all!!!