Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my wife yelled at me for not helping her rearrange the furniture. I have a sprained shoulder and have been ordered by my doctor to avoid heavy lifting. She said, "Move the couch or sleep on it." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML
Today, I got home from work and face-planted into my sofa because I hate my job, suffer from depression, recently lost my wife to cancer, and a host of other BS. As I face-planted it turned out that my sister invited herself over and had fell asleep, curled up under a blanket. Our heads collided at 30 mph. FML
Today, I took a nap on my couch. I woke up three hours later to my neighbor knocking on my door, asking if I was OK because looking from the outside in, they thought I was dead. Guess I sleep like I’ve been hit by a truck. FML
Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML
Today, for the second time in a row, I slammed into the edge of the doorway while half asleep. My entire body hurts. FML
Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away, and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
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Top comments
baconftw 9
How did you not see her?
alexh15 13
Some guys actually enjoy sleeping on the couch. It's kinda like camping.....
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Comments (146)
RuCheezBurger 10
How did you not see her? Was it like 3am and was she wearing black clothing?
geon_olam 17
Ski mask and all. It's couples' bank robbery night. At least it was suposed to be before op dented the getaway vehicle
sjhill 32
>_< good luck mate.
goodgirlxgonebad 3
Woah yeah how do you let that happen? I love how you used "bump" as if it's nbd
ikickgingers 15
I can see your boobs.
loserman67 36
Question, which one of you was drunk? Tell her your sorry, bump into her with your **** a few times and all will be forgiven. OR, make her put her ass on the couch for being in the way of your car, the bitch
jafreen 8
attaboy!!
fartgun 3
Sounds like a wench.
starwind3438 9
No 41, just no.
Awsemogreeb 19
How would OP hitting her with a car imply she is a barmaid in a tavern?
Monkeybuttcream 4
"Slightly bumped" is that kids are calling it these days? I guess i am just used to the old fashion term "ran that bitch down". I guess i am just getting old
jojimugo 20
Dude u killed it
himoonkey 8
No 45, YOU killed it
YummiGummi 0
God doesnt hate you OP. your wife does.
Commiecakes 0
Well at least it was a "slight bump" aka you saw her and pushed the pedal through the floor trying to chase he down
x123 0
5 points?