Today, the police were canvassing my neighbourhood about a recent robbery. When I answered the door, my brother saw badges, panicked, and jumped out our apartment's third-storey window in an attempt to escape. He thought they were after him for using a bong two weeks ago. I'm related to this twit. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. Fifteen minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML
Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I had my headphones in and was blasting my music. It was also cold so I had my hood up. I had my back turned to the house and wasn't paying attention. My brother thought I was a burglar and tackled me to the concrete. FML
Today, after I was locked out of my apartment, I went down the leaf-filled ravine behind the building to get to the fire escape ladder, climbed up four stories and over the balcony, then wiggled through the window on my stomach onto the living room floor. Now I'm back inside and paranoid about robbers doing the same. FML
Today, I was in the shower, oblivious to the outside world, when four police officers who had apparently been banging at my door, entered by force. They were doing a bust on a weed farm and got the wrong house. FML
Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML
Today, someone left their drug bag on the table in the lounge at my place, probably a friend, and probably a mistake. The next minute the cops knock on the door and force their way in. Immediately the cop spots the drug bag and cuffs me. It wasn't even my bag. FML
Today, I found out my junkie brother broke into my home, and stole mine AND my children's belongings whilst we were on holiday. I rang my mother to vent, only for her to blatantly defend him and insist I got it wrong. We caught him on camera, and now I'm being scolded for even thinking he would do such a thing. FML
Today, I got lost trying to find the hospital my sister was giving birth in. I stopped at a store to call my mom for directions. A cop pulled up beside me and knocked loudly on my window asking me to get out. The store had been robbed and I am now a suspect. FML
Today, I woke up to NYPD detectives banging on my door with flashlights, looking for some criminal who used to live in my house. Apparently, when they showed the man's mugshot to my neighbors upstairs, for some reason they identified the man as my husband. FML
Today, while I was showering, my brother thought it would be funny to burst through the door pretending he was a burglar. Panicked, I went to grab the soap bar as a weapon, slipped, fell, and hit my head on the faucet. FML
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Top comments
JakeLee 6
weed makes ya paranoid man...
maddybopeep 2
can't pick your family, fyl
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Comments (171)
BountyBass 13
hits from the bong!
westop 0
Police don't really make house calls about weed even when people complain. The police won't even get involved unless your growing plants without a permit(in cali at least). I'm sorry your brother is a complete dumbass.
whatsittuya 2
enlighten me. how does one smoke a bong?
Enslaved 38
I'll show you, bring ice water.
BbqKirbyAnn 0
I'll bring the munchies. we'll have a party
Forlorn420 9
I got the "tobacco"! Haha
Lovelyfailure 16
Haha, that's funny. XD
denisa_fml 5
Lul wut
zoeulani 0
hah im so sry u have a jackwagon for a brother. =P
gigi03 5
This is funny did he get away?!
Petunia888 13
"Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time..." XD
BigPerro4life 0
take your brother for a ride to the next town. have him get out to check the tire pressure. then... leave and go home. with any luck if he's that stupid, he won't find his way home.
anti_average 5
In Mississippi the only thing the police will usually do is take your weed from you if you're caught; However, if you have certain items on your person, or in your car they can arrest you for intent to distribute. Anyways I'm digressing. OP's brother is a paranoid idiot.