Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML
Today, I found out that my prude wife, who has given up on anything remotely sexually exciting, has been researching swinger clubs. I found out when she “accidentally” texted me a Vice article on the subject. FML
Today, I received a Playboy magazine that I never ordered, and now my husband won't stop laughing at me or calling me a closet heterosexual. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted to try something that would turn me on immediately. While I was in our bed, she came in, wearing only the underwear she took from our 13 year-old daughter's closet. Now she doesn't understand why I'm genuinely disgusted and don't want to have sex with her. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, my wife has been super into sex lately, she even let me try some of the stuff she said no to before, and even surprised me with some of the kinky stuff she’s always wanted to try. Sounds great, right? Nope. Turns out she was overcompensating from the guilt of also fucking my coworker. FML
Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML
Today, my wife complained that our sex life is too boring and vanilla. I have spent the last two years suggesting ideas to keep it interesting: S&M, swinging, roleplay, cosplay, public play, new toys, you name it. All I ever hear is, "Eww you pervert, that is disgusting and sick, how dare you even mention that." FML
Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML
Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML
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Top comments
doemetoch 28
As a woman who doesn't read Cosmopolitan, I have to ask: what on earth do they give as sex tips that you need to have this fear?
Kakapo4Ever 11
Let's be honest OP, this could be worse..
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Comments (59)
doemetoch 28
As a woman who doesn't read Cosmopolitan, I have to ask: what on earth do they give as sex tips that you need to have this fear?
201chasew 22
I Googled for some of their tips, and they don't seem bad or painful. The only thing I saw that could be painful is if OP has an irrational fear of breaking his dick when being rode. I couldn't find anything too strange or painful though.
smokecloud_ 37
I've seen ******* tips that invite teeth. Teeth on most penises is described as painful...
Bearsmomma 30
webmd. says it's possible to "break a penis". Obviously it's not a bone, but severe damage can take place with tears and such (sometimes requiring surgery) if bent significantly. When slipping out during sex and then hitting your partners pelvis c forvexample. It was one of the c articles in my daily email just last week-crazy coincidence! ?.
Rawrshi 25
"Now, to really heat things up, set your partner on fire!"
evilplatypus 39
I've read some of their tips - some of them are downright terrifying if you and your partner haven't worked up to it slooowwwllyyy. Biting things, hot/cold torture, etc.
rain_in_the_Sky 3
#11 there are two reservoirs of blood that cause the penis to expand when erect, these can rupture - this is how it breaks. yes I'm wincing.
Mauskau 36
Some people don't mind teeth, but it's something that has to be eased into. The way they describe it makes it sound like you should just chomp down like it's an apple, when really it should be treated like soup. 8) but their tips are horrendous, I've looked at some and cringed big time. The same with their workout tips.
ShotaSammy 17
I saw one that recommended putting a donut on the guys dick and then eating the donut. Which just doesn't sound that sexy at best, downright painful if you **** it up enough.
kirkaygri 18
I came to mention the doughnut one! It's still mind blowing...
Unbansawsage 16
Their Tips are mostly just over the top and a bad representation of what men want. Many of them sound like they where thought up by a bunch of horny middle school girls and then women read them thinking they are true.
fab_fellow 9
Well, think about it. If a woman could read a single issue of Cosmo and all the relationship's problems were fixed, then she'd never need to buy another copy again, and Cosmo's business would take a hit. Cosmo's notorious for giving terrible relationship and bedroom advice, such as "If your man wants to talk to you about your day, he's probably cheating." The worse a person's relationship is, the more they'll "need," relationship magazines like Cosmo.
X_Gon_Giv_ItToYa 9
If mine could fit in a donut I'd have self-confidence issues
Saercia 6
Go to cracked.com, search "Cosmo" or "cosmopolitan" - they have a list of horrifying sex tips.
17green17 13
I was thinking the exact same thing
KrDizzy 16
I actually have a few exes who liked a little teeth action. They're the ones who asked for it. You'd be surprised..
THE_GLOW_CLOUD 9
Yeah, I've heard about that. One of my friends has a cousin who broke his dick on a radiator.
FlyingMangoes 5
I honestly think by the time I was done consuming the donut I wouldn't even want to finish the *******...
thedebater1 3
"Hey babe how was your day?" "Fine" (To self) "cheater" What?
Nckc8819 11
what was he doing to that poor radiator??????
JETarchitect 32
Good luck, but maybe they won't be as bad as you think
Kakapo4Ever 11
Let's be honest OP, this could be worse..
Jared900DUmpling 30
Agreed, but your statement could also apply to pretty much any story on this site
Kakapo4Ever 11
True, but that's like saying "you can apply a new paint job to any car in the world". Yes you can, but some require it more than others.
thedebater1 3
At least it wasn't 50 shades of grey
thestoryofacaleb 14
Just be honest with her that that they make you nervous to try out. Best of luck.
Kakapo4Ever 11
Not sure if that that that that that that would work
conman317 14
The tips in those magazines are very much mutually beneficial. It's something new to discover together. Don't knock it til you try it, man. She may surprise you ;)
krs97 5
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Watch out for pegging. That's a cosmopolitan favourite
TabooSushi 24
Honestly, not all of them are terrible. I've learned a few tricks from Cosmo that drove my lovers wild. Ask her to see a full explanation of whatever new tricks she wants to try before you agree to anything, of course. Don't do anything you don't think you'd be comfortable with or physically unable to do, but otherwise, just try it! You might find something new and amazing that you never knew you liked.
Nacelle 7
At least you're getting some.
ADBurns 22
Go with the flow bro and enjoy the "Ride" amongst other more interesting suggestions I'm sure.
PANDORUM89 21
The majority of them are not even possible without contorting your body in to a position where, if you can even get and stay in, you wouldn't be able to actually move. So I'd fear more for your back than your genitals. Hopefully you know a good massage therapist or chiropractor.