Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML
Today, I found out that my prude wife, who has given up on anything remotely sexually exciting, has been researching swinger clubs. I found out when she “accidentally” texted me a Vice article on the subject. FML
Today, I received a Playboy magazine that I never ordered, and now my husband won't stop laughing at me or calling me a closet heterosexual. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted to try something that would turn me on immediately. While I was in our bed, she came in, wearing only the underwear she took from our 13 year-old daughter's closet. Now she doesn't understand why I'm genuinely disgusted and don't want to have sex with her. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, my wife has been super into sex lately, she even let me try some of the stuff she said no to before, and even surprised me with some of the kinky stuff she’s always wanted to try. Sounds great, right? Nope. Turns out she was overcompensating from the guilt of also fucking my coworker. FML
Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML
Today, my wife complained that our sex life is too boring and vanilla. I have spent the last two years suggesting ideas to keep it interesting: S&M, swinging, roleplay, cosplay, public play, new toys, you name it. All I ever hear is, "Eww you pervert, that is disgusting and sick, how dare you even mention that." FML
Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML
Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML
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Top comments
doemetoch 28
As a woman who doesn't read Cosmopolitan, I have to ask: what on earth do they give as sex tips that you need to have this fear?
Kakapo4Ever 11
Let's be honest OP, this could be worse..
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Comments (59)
tbrill 15
As a somewhat avid reader of Cosmo, most of the tips aren't all that scary / terrifying. At worst some are a little weird or cringy at times, but not really a straight up danger to anyone that should be willing to try them out. However, maybe you could take this as an opportunity to spice up your sex life together. Compromise a little and be willing to try some new things (feel free to get involved and help pick and chose what you're trying / offer critiques and ways to change things up if a certain act seems too daunting - you guys are married after all! Commutation is key!) I'm sure your wife would be pleased to see you're excited and getting involved! Overall this could be a really fun (or just funny) opportunity for the both of you together! Take advantage of it! Happy times OP - hope everything works out!
sherri_baby88 36
This probably shouldn't be an FML. I'd say congratulations and good luck. But then again, I read Cosmo. There actually are some really good tips in there. Several of which drive my husband wild. Some are pretty impractical, I'll admit. But communication is key. Read it together. My husband reads it sometimes. He'll suggest a few things. Cosmo, done right, really can spice things up.
BabeSlave97 12
As long as you discuss the things before she tries them, you should be fine. There's some outlandish shit in those mags but some of it is actually pretty enjoyable, good luck OP
jcash52426 5
Wouldn't some up those tips spice up the relationship. Don't do anything your uncomfortable doing. But talking about doing different things in bed might be good.
strych91 2
That's probably her not-so-subtle way of telling you that she's unsatisfied with your sex life.
fallrain 4
I love Maxim. I'd choose that over Cosmopolitan any day. BUT Maxim was better during the time where you could stack your issues in order and the spines showed a pic of a woman.
fallrain 4
Aaaahhhh the ol Cosmo.....this is where I learned what a diesel dick was. For all of you that missed that issue, a diesel dick is a condition (probably known better these days by erectile dysfunction) a man who is a trucker by profession gets when he sits in the same spot for long periods of time. He now has a hard time getting an erection also known as d.d.
bruce_leroy 7
OP .... Wtf is your problem with that? Evidently you haven't been man enough to step up before she read Cosmo, and now you're wussing out after? Step up man!!!
slingo234 12
time to set up a safe word maybe they mentioned 50 shades of grey
freddygasman 18
just be careful, we don't want you to break a hip.