Today, my wife discovered Cosmopolitan magazine, and now only wants to have sex if I agree to try some of their sex tips. I fear for my genitals. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML
Today, I found out that my prude wife, who has given up on anything remotely sexually exciting, has been researching swinger clubs. I found out when she “accidentally” texted me a Vice article on the subject. FML
Today, I received a Playboy magazine that I never ordered, and now my husband won't stop laughing at me or calling me a closet heterosexual. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted to try something that would turn me on immediately. While I was in our bed, she came in, wearing only the underwear she took from our 13 year-old daughter's closet. Now she doesn't understand why I'm genuinely disgusted and don't want to have sex with her. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, my wife has been super into sex lately, she even let me try some of the stuff she said no to before, and even surprised me with some of the kinky stuff she’s always wanted to try. Sounds great, right? Nope. Turns out she was overcompensating from the guilt of also fucking my coworker. FML
Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML
Today, my wife complained that our sex life is too boring and vanilla. I have spent the last two years suggesting ideas to keep it interesting: S&M, swinging, roleplay, cosplay, public play, new toys, you name it. All I ever hear is, "Eww you pervert, that is disgusting and sick, how dare you even mention that." FML
Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML
Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML
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Top comments
doemetoch 28
As a woman who doesn't read Cosmopolitan, I have to ask: what on earth do they give as sex tips that you need to have this fear?
Kakapo4Ever 11
Let's be honest OP, this could be worse..
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Comments (59)
EvilLittleMan 23
And then there were none. RIP Giblets.
yerawizardlizzy 27
I'm more concerned that your wife is just now "discovering" Cosmo. I understand not being a reader but you make it sound like she's never heard of it. Has she been living under a rock? How old is she?
Sj1147 12
Good luck OP, if you really are scared talk to her about it.
demix_fml 32
How about you just try it, she is obviously trying to spice things up a bit, which she maybe she needs.
LevelupKid 8
"13 sex moves that will blow his mind and destroy his penis."
TheNewGuy03 29
Unless she's asking you to contort or something, I'd say **** it (literally) and give her suggestions a try. However, I do believe she shouldn't use Cosmo as some sort of Bible for sex.
Lalala579121 28
If anyone actually called it the bible of sex I would just point them to the book known as the Kama Sutra.
TheNewGuy03 29
The Kama Sutra would certainly be more apt than anything Cosmo has to offer. I have thumbed through a few copies here and there throughout my life, and most of it had me thinking, "Are they ******* serious?"
NeneJPhilly 8
Cosmo is a magazine for the sociopathic. They have some really messed up advice but I do believe in trying almost anything once. You never know; they could surprise you. Try out what you're comfortable with & explain to your wife that Karma Sutra is also a good go to.
fallrain 4
Sociopathic, so true. They give some pretty sick advice sometimes.
ronbach 8
except that its supposedly ok for women to read cosmo but god forbid I grab a penthouse or a maxim because thats cheating. FYI I read maxim for the articles. lol.
UrinatingPandas 12
It's never too bad to get experimental try to have fun
HollyQuinn 21
It's just Cosmo, hardly the epitome of dirty, gritty sex.
ZaiopePerSe 15
dirty, gritty isn't necessarily a bad ghing. most Cosmo's writers seem to think sex is all about how to make a man never take pleasure in sex ever again