Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, while moving my wax burner away from the window, I spilled hot wax all over my hands, the wall, and in my electric fireplace. FML
Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML
Today, I was having trouble blowing out the last of the several candles on my bedside table. Exasperated, I blew as hard as I could, which sent hot wax from the other candles shooting into the air, all over my face and into my eyes. FML
Today, my idiot son incinerated his shoes in the oven. They were wet and he wanted to "quick-dry" them, so now the whole house smells terrible. FML
Today, I yelled at my boyfriend for smoking in the house, because I didn't want the house to smell like smoke. While doing so, I knocked over a candle and lit the couch on fire. FML
Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML
Today, I burned my nose. How? I tried sniffing a lit candle. FML
Today, at a candlelit dinner, I accidentally set my dad's leg on fire. FML
Today, my apartment smelled like something was burning, so I checked the oven, toaster, outlets, and even the hallway. After an hour, I discovered the smell was coming from the candle I had forgotten I'd lit in the bathroom. I had spent an hour investigating a fire that wasn't happening. FML
Today, my dumbass cat sat on a lit candle. The whole house now smells like burnt hair and I now have to clip clumps of wax-burnt hair off his bum. FML
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Top comments
desireev 18
Cinnamon and corpse! Aaah! The wonderful scent! My favorite! :)
datoismyname 22
Sounds lovely.
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Comments (163)
EG14_fml 8
Great. Now I gotta go and google half the words on this FML…
KiddNYC1O 22
Is your son Freeze?
Chrissiepoo 4
What a lovely description. Oh, and I would have smacked your son upside the head. Just sayin'
clutz123 5
i like how you use vocab, finally i can see somebody who uses fml has a brain!
bubo_fml 11
A phreaky lava lamp & weed disguising air freshener? Methinks one is involved in the heavy consumption of chemical refreshment...Any wonder why your offspring is a malcontent?
docscientist 10
Op probably likes a fresh smelling house, and who doesn't enjoy lava lamps. But that's ignoring the most asinine assumption, that the son is somehow a malcontent because op might smoke weed.
anneboleyn994 2
"misanthropic malcontent"; "twisted act of rebellion"; "a hint of freshly embalmed corpse". I kind of love the way this is written.
RomanBeauty 0
Yes but you write like an upstart type of person- id break your faulty lamp too. If you can't turn it on- why have it?
xXRazelleLuniiXx 9
"Son angry! SON SMASH!"
PimpnPanda 2
Whoa whoa! Let's stop using those big words before one of us gets hurt!
longboardsrule 0
I'm a misanthropist too, why did he break your lava lamp?