Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML
Today my mother, who was once shocked to realise that my older sister was having unmarried sex, told me to go and 'get some' because it's good for my health. I'm asexual. FML
Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML
Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, after my husband told me he doesn't enjoy having sex unless he initiates it, my mother-in-law barged into my bedroom only to find me pleasing myself. FML
Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML
Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML
Today, at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. His reply? "Not as good as her sister." His defense? "It was only one time." FML
Today, I had to listen to my mom give a detailed description of her date last night to her friends via speakerphone... while I was trapped in the car with her. When I pointed out that I was still in the back seat, she scoffed and told me, "I have a sex life, deal with it." FML
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Top comments
katt_is_here 24
Sounds like damn good advice to me!
xStaciexLynnx 15
We have videos of my mom on Ambien. People do some pretty odd stuff...
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Comments (38)
chanellgymnast 17
She be thirsty.
tmmundy 17
Again?
MEM0817 18
Got to love the drug induced honesty that comes out of people's mouths.
capnbzarr 43
She's not wrong, though.
paprika_pilipili_fml 14
That has to be disturbing...
vbmg152 19
Ambien does weird shit to people! I take it for sleep & if I exceed the dosage, I never know what I'll do! She should stick to one at bedtime!
krunchy_kitty 8
The last time I took Ambien, I didn't think to mention it to my husband. Two hours later he thought I was having a psychotic break -- I didn't know where I was or what was going on -- and called my mom, who is a nurse, to ask which hospital he should take me to. Thank goodness I had happened to mention to her earlier that day that I was having trouble sleeping and planning to take an Ambien. Never again!
jdizz16 16
Did anyone notice how well written this was? So extravagant :{D
Rogersmoonshine 7
Except the period at the end should have been placed outside the closing quotation mark!
NickElSak 1
Can't include anyone if your sleeping... but then it's a totally different story
BFons 19
What a ****.
meekthekit 6
Please explain why this makes her a ****.
tmmundy 17
What a dick, you are 53!!
kristenleanne09 4
My mom once warned me of the dangerous "one eyed monster" while on ambien. I know that feel bro.
Mahtari 19
The Ambien Walrus strikes again.