Today, my high-strung and normally very proper mother took twice her prescribed dose of Ambien, and extolled the virtues of a "full blown sexual relationship with oneself", advising my teenage sister to "only include the men when they behave." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML
Today my mother, who was once shocked to realise that my older sister was having unmarried sex, told me to go and 'get some' because it's good for my health. I'm asexual. FML
Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML
Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML
Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML
Today, after my husband told me he doesn't enjoy having sex unless he initiates it, my mother-in-law barged into my bedroom only to find me pleasing myself. FML
Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML
Today, my mom decided it was a good idea to remind me about my non-existent sex life while all the family was having dinner. FML
Today, at dinner with my boyfriend and my family, my mother had too much to drink and asked my boyfriend how I was in bed with the purpose of embarrassing me. His reply? "Not as good as her sister." His defense? "It was only one time." FML
Today, I had to listen to my mom give a detailed description of her date last night to her friends via speakerphone... while I was trapped in the car with her. When I pointed out that I was still in the back seat, she scoffed and told me, "I have a sex life, deal with it." FML
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Top comments
katt_is_here 24
Sounds like damn good advice to me!
xStaciexLynnx 15
We have videos of my mom on Ambien. People do some pretty odd stuff...
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Comments (38)
perdix 31
I'm sure your dad is thrilled to pay for double the drugs and not getting any unless he "behaves."
lilhellian 27
Why so serious 29..
21jason 9
It's both of their money, so yes he still would be Paying for it
10showgirl 16
We don't even know if her parents are still together... How are you so sure that OP's dad pays for her mom's pills?
perdix 31
#34, maybe the children were born by Immaculate Conception, so there is no mortal father at all. This comment was a lot funnier when we all assumed that Dad has to pay double for Mom's Ambien while she masturbates instead of sexing him.
Catkam623 27
I disagree the man should always be included, Jill gets old after a while.
RedPillSucks 33
Your mom gives sound advice on Ambien. Dose her a couple more times so she can make her man a sammich while she's asleep.
aardvarkish 17
I don't know why sammich is funny, but it is.
buddy51 23
Ambien: The magic drug of truth-telling....
lennelleong 33
Veritaseum
BossPathfinderGM 14
That is an epic mother right there.
sugarbear0727 19
That's pretty hilarious. She has a good point. You should only reward guys when they behave and are being nice.
rattusrattus 19
Yeah, take the second half of her advice. The first part isn't bad either as long as it's not the full extent of your sex life (unless you want it to be).
karlcolt45 19
epic mom advice.
Zforya 10
Haha you're mom is a ****!
IHaveThePower 18
It's always a pretty safe bet that if someone's calling a woman a ****, they're not worth listening to, but in your case, I think a plant called and wanted the oxygen it made back for someone who can read a dictionary.
akiahara 14
It's always the quiet and seemingly innocent ones.