Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
TheYamBagga 5
Wow OP you guys are bad at this...does she even know how sex works?
Cazzybum 11
Your girlfriend is weird. Has she never put a tampon or a finger or two (or three) inside herself? If she hasn't, it sounds like she's not old enough for sex! Otherwise, just give her a good licking and slide it in.
mrbassman1895 0
I'm the same way when I stare at my girls ass!
W3ST 0
Da ***
dani05 0
Explain to her that you find her so amazingly attractive that you can't do it soft but you will be gentle with her.
flyboy16 2
I don't know how to have sex with that thin limp, but you can whack it like 20 times that day so you don't get hard then give it a shot bro
Mayshod 3
Bang her sister. Done and done.
Beatlemaniac1964 9
Just be gentle, it's really not that bad just pinches at first.
Christala 8
Speaking from experience here. When I finally gave it up to my boyfriend, I was scared silly that it was going to hurt like hell. I was 17 and could barely get a finger in there, so how was his dick going to fit?? When you and she are ready (and it sounds like she may not be ready yet), I have 3 words for you: Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. Take your time and really get her aroused, relaxed and lubricated. Kissing, petting, manual stimulation (aka fingering), oral stimulation (go down on her). You do a thorough and enthusiastic job of getting her wet and willing, and she'll be begging you to stick it in. Just go slow and easy. Probably even might be better for her to be on top when she's ready for it, so that she can control how much, how fast, how deep. Resist the urge to start thrusting like a jackrabbit once it's in. She's going to need time to adjust to the feeling. Let her go at her own pace and get used to it. She'll let you know when it's time to hump for glory! Oh, if you're inexperienced as well, you may want to jerk off a couple of times a day, so that when it does happen, you're not coming at her with a loaded gun and a hair trigger. Good luck.
totallydonteven 5
Best advice on this whole FML
Sanch101 7
Good advice. Going slow to start is the best way.
XiaoWu 4
I suggest you perform *********** on her and if you're good enough I bet she'll get an apetite for it...