Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
RoboCop1 3
Wayyyy to young dude
picturescrazy 24
Is that even possible to penetrate when it's flaccid? xD
loganmarquez 3
Does your girlfriend know how sex works...?
mOrGiE76 2
Start with a lot of foreplay and then use lots of lube!!! My bf was scared of hurting me and I didn't care so thats what he did...
aigroeg 0
No offence,honest.But is your girl really stupid?
DJ_G11_SMITH 8
It's impossible to have sex while flaccid.
discojaxx 7
I can't even find the words to properly insult your girlfriend.
SoultheWolf 19
Ok, I hae to say that I am shocked that my comment, #32 had so many negative votes. Are you guys really that stupid or shallow that if someone puts out real information out there, especially seomthing that can help him try and communicate the truth with his gf you automatically have to vote it down? Just but voting it away does not change the fact that it is true. I'm probably guessing that it was put down by women (most likely stupid teens) who don't stop and think about it. I'm not a guy, I'm not telling him he has to go ahve sex, I'm giving him advice to tell HIS girlfriend who oviously is having the wrong idea about sex here. Grow up people. -.-
totallydonteven 5
Except half of your information (particularly about the hymen) was grievously wrong and the other half was a huge generalization that does not apply to all women. Oh. And the other reason I thumbed you down? Your spelling and grammar are atrocious.
dylan501 3
That would be like thumbing a marshmallow through a keyhole
dogpup4 23
I think putting a marshmellow through a keyhole would be a bit easy, more like playing snooker with a piece of string.
daaniel69 6
Who doesn't love a girl with a nice ass in spandex?;)