Today, my girlfriend said I could only take her virginity while I have a flaccid penis, so I won't hurt her. I get hard from just staring at her covered ass. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she wants to have sex with my ass. I'm not sure she's taking "no" for an answer, seeing as how she's keeping a dildo on her nightstand and is clearly waiting for me to fall asleep. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML
Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML
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Top comments
GrooveTurtle 0
... -face palm-
zombicidal 11
flaccid sex? the ****?
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Comments (483)
OptimusKali 0
Soft penises are no fun...
jlstough 10
i feel like it should be "peni"... and they are if you dont intend to have sex. i love playing with my husband on soft :-P
QfiggyQ 10
Just tell her, lots of foreplay and she'll be good to go!
CaptainNap124 8
Doesn't she know it doesn't work like that?? You better find a girl that can take it... Or just put it in her and tell her to be a woman! Or else your gonna have a sad sex life :/
Sparrow04 1
There's no way you can get it in on a regular girl that's had sex no less a virgin while flaccid . Warm her up with your fingers or mouth then take it slow for a bit, she'll be fine--- tried and proven method
cmb8280 24
Your gf's an idiot
Hasina01 5
Hahahahah !
blazinjsin 5
your gf is an idiot. and so are you for going along
somanywords 0
Why would you use a tampon if you're having sex?
Kanon1104 0
Some people during their first time, bleed. So they may have a tampon on or nearby to catch blood if any.
Cinn_fml 23
Nearby maybe, definitely not in though.
kirsten249 1
I was scared my first time too but then he got me really turned on and wanting it so bad that I was almost begging him to put it in. It hurt at first but then it turned in to good pain and I loved it so so much!!! She will be begging u to put it in hard of u get her turned on enough. Either that or she don't wanna have sex with you lol.
N8George 9
She must have a really tight asshole