Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML
Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML
Today, I was teaching my two year-old daughter how to take a person's temperature. While I was sitting down, she came up behind me and shoved the thermometer in my ear hard. Now I can't hear out of my right ear, and I'm in excruciating pain. FML
Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML
Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML
Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML
Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML
Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML
Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML
Today, I told my five year-old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML
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Top comments
enonymous 9
You're lucky she didn't charge you for that meal. sautéed baby earwax is usually served with a hot caramelized snot ball and a side of full half baked diaper.
denvan 0
Get those earwax cooking lessons started
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Comments (95)
insanesna1l 0
I believe in smacking kids but in this case a simple "well from now on you can cook your own food" should suffice
Thebluesteel1 3
perhaps take the hint and learn to cook?
CardMaster1992 0
I know, right? stop cooking crappy meals and learn how to cook. or else just buy pre-made meals. or go out.
Niki0308 0
Uh......ewww just that. Leave it at that. 'But-' 'LEAVE IT!'
WhateverFloatsYo 0
yummy. learn to cook maybe??
sourgirl101 29
Iron Chef's secret ingredient.
heavenleigh85 5
it's not her fault you can't cook. there are only 2 types of honest people in the world , drunks and children. f her life for having to eat her ear wax cuz the food u made was horrible poor thing
RamenEater 0
Or maybe the earwax tasted delicious.
Doortje 30
Sounds like something my brother would do. And it would probably be true, too. Work on your cooking, woman!
twister21_fml 0
mmmhh mmmhh good!!!!! NEW RECIPE! EARWAX!!!! :]
Xpensive 0
what were you cooking??? and how bad did you mess it up?
trollprideworldw 0
Yea, you should just stick to the happy meals.