Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML
Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML
Today, I was teaching my two year-old daughter how to take a person's temperature. While I was sitting down, she came up behind me and shoved the thermometer in my ear hard. Now I can't hear out of my right ear, and I'm in excruciating pain. FML
Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML
Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML
Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML
Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML
Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML
Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML
Today, I told my five year-old daughter that no, she could not have ice cream for breakfast. She retaliated by pooping in the living room and smearing it on the walls. My in-laws, whom I've been trying to impress for ages, are visiting today. FML
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Top comments
enonymous 9
You're lucky she didn't charge you for that meal. sautéed baby earwax is usually served with a hot caramelized snot ball and a side of full half baked diaper.
denvan 0
Get those earwax cooking lessons started
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Comments (95)
perdix 31
Give her a spanking, er, scratch that, give her a time-out for not bringing enough for everyone.
SCrazy_fml 0
The kid is four
ThatLooksSticky 16
he didn't say anything about spanking, you sick freak.
khaya 9
So what, I killed a fellow child at the age of three.
Frelling 0
Something wrong with a four year old operating an oven or hotplate? Hrmm, yeah you might be onto something there.
ThatLooksSticky 16
Tell your daughter to get her finger out of her ear and back up her nose where it belongs. (I almost said back up her ass, but she's only 4 and I didn't want to sound like a perv.)
Frelling 0
Too late, you put it in brackets. Now everyone knows you're a dirty perv. j/k
T3P33_fml 0
brackets, the way to say things so that your conscience feels like you never said them. I know for sure, my conscience was put in brackets a long time ago :D
leethewrestler 0
home cooking is the foundation to a good childhood. guess we know who's gunna be stripping downtown in a few years.
amuck 0
very true
fmlfails 0
I just tasted ear wax it tastes bitter u must be a very very very very very very very bad cook no offence
ashattack23 1
Why on earth would you taste that? o.o ew
lmaoatall 6
and that's a nice way for a four year old to tell you that you need to work on your culinary skills. your cooking must taste like crap if ear wax tastes better. what are you feeding your family? doggie loggies and pusst tootsies? take a hint damn it
lostfaithinpppl 19
Time to learn some culinary skills, OP. Get a hint from your 4 year old.